Showing posts with label domestic abuse. Show all posts
Showing posts with label domestic abuse. Show all posts
This isn't going to be an organized typical blog post. It's going to be messy and probably out of order. I just decided to write this after debating if I should or not -- because today, nine years ago, was a day that killed a part of me that I didn't know existed.
My first pregnancy happened nine years ago and it was very painful, very uncomfortable and very short lived. My boyfriend at the time saw the pregnancy test and the first thing he said when he saw it was "we need to find an abortion clinic." he didn't even ask me what I wanted. And he literally spent the rest of that day sending me links to various abortion clinics telling me to get this done.
I was completely heartbroken at his reaction. And it only got worse. I threw up maybe 3-5 times a day. I couldn't stomach anything. I couldn't even look at food. My motion sickness was insanely rough. Smells made me throw up. I had no energy to do anything. And I was on my own. Every time I threw up, there he was commenting "what a waste of food" or "my aunt was able to do laundry and clean while pregnant, you're just using this as an excuse."
When I started expressing I couldn't do this, I didn't feel right ending a pregnancy, he would get angry and he would literally slam me on the floor saying I needed to stop acting like a child and get this done. I brought it up 3 times and each time I was met with the same anger.
I can't even begin to express how hopeless and helpless I felt. I had no help, I was too far away from anyone I knew. He had me move an hour away from Orlando and anyone who could help me. Being forced to get this done was horrible. I got an ultrasound photo and I have no idea where it went. I wouldn't be surprised if he threw it away. I was told the baby was healthy with a strong heartbeat that I got to see.
My heart broke. Completely. Utterly. Broke.
When I was sent back to the waiting room, I protested again that I couldn't do this. And he screamed at me in the waiting room telling me if I don't get this done driving out there would had been a waste of time and gas (that he didn't even pay for -- the gas or the abortion fees).
The actual day of the abortion was Father's Day that year and he left me home alone to deal with this alone to go spend Father's Day with his grandfather. He wasn't home when the symptoms prior to passing the fetus happened. He wasn't home when I passed the fetus. He wasn't home when I sat on the bathroom floor, bleeding and crying. He didn't ask me how I was, didn't check on me all day, and came home acting like it was just another day.
He also had failed to pay the phone bill prior to this so my phone was off. I couldn't call my parents, I couldn't call for help. This is why I only text my mom on Facebook Messenger now. I wish they had the ability to call back then, maybe I wouldn't had felt so helpless and alone.
After all that was said and done, just looking at him disgusted me. I had no idea what postpartum depression was at the time, I had no resources, no help. But looking back at it now, I absolutely fell into a deep dark postpartum. He expected me to keep the house clean, to play some sort of weird ass home keeper now that I was "feeling better". As if I was just getting over a flu or something.
I ended up leaving my ex, after he wouldn't leave my damn house. With him telling me I was lazy and useless because "I haven't done anything since the abortion". I told him "you feel your baby die inside you and tell me how you'd go on." he replied with "you're so full of shit, you never even wanted kids so I don't know why you're acting like a child right now."
Triggered is an understatement. Angry, is an understatement. I was so much of both that I didn't even respond. I just blocked him and kept him blocked. For years. He's still blocked, actually.
The silver lining is that I would meet my future husband in just a few days. Someone who's helped me navigate and allowed me space to mourn. Someone who would end up in the delivery room with me twice. I have two very adorable, smart, loving and compassionate girls.
If you had told me 9 years ago today that it'll be okay, I wouldn't had believed you. Not at all. Not even a little bit.
I think of the baby I never got to meet. The baby that was taken from me. And while I don't fall into a crying mess as much now than I have before, it's something that is burned into my soul. Something I will carry with me for the rest of my life.
There is no justice. There is no battle. There is nothing I can do about what happened. As much as I wish there was something I could do, there isn't.
I literally don't know why I'm getting anxiety just thinking about writing this blog post. I feel like my blood has run cold and all my nerves are on alert.
I guess just thinking of this day still makes me cringe.
Traditions are very important to me. And I created traditions for myself to enjoy the things I like in life, to have things to look forward to. Because when your life is lonely and your mind can be your greatest enemy the best way to combat that is to have something to look forward to. To have bits of this life that excite you.
Two years ago I lived in Lake Mary, Florida. I moved away from Orlando and it was the biggest and dumbest move I ever made. I was told by the guy I was dating at the time that I wouldn't be that far from Orlando or Disney and we would be able to go any time.
That was a lie.
I had to fight with him for a week to get to Disney and even when we finally DID go, he would be miserable the whole time and want to leave as soon as we got there. We were an hour away, maybe less. But hell he'd get upset if I said I wanted to go to Krispy Kreme which was ten minutes away. He was the type to expect you to go/do everything HE wanted to do without question yet when I wanted to do the things I've ALWAYS done he'd throw a fit and trap me in the house. This was a big thing of his btw, trapping me.
I didn't really notice it until I moved to Lake Mary.
Two year ago today was Easter.
I normally spent Easter at Disney and I had brought up this months before to which he said was fine, we could spend Easter there since he had no real plans. But the day before was saying all of a sudden we couldn't go and I HAD to go with him to his grandparents house. His grandparents house were we spent EVERY OTHER FUCKIN DAY doing NOTHING but staring at the wall, literally. Not to mention my cousin who I hadn't seen in year since I moved away from California was going to be in Tampa and he had ZERO interest in seeing her or meeting her --- in fact he had zero interest in meeting ANY of my family members including my parents.
The morning of, he did what he always did.
He firmly stated we WEREN'T going to Disney. Demanded I get dressed and get ready to go with him to his grandparent's house.
I refused.
I was tired of him gas lighting me. I was tired of him promising to do something then last minute going back on his word then picking a fight with me to shut me up when I'd call him out on it. I was tired of his shit.
So I said no. I wasn't going. I wasn't leaving the house if we weren't going to Disney. That I'm sick of him lying to me.
He walked over to the computer desk where I was sitting.
He picked me up by my throat.
Then he SLAMMED me on the couch wrapping his hands around my throat and screaming at me asking if "I was done acting like a child." I tried kicking him in his gut, in his face, anywhere to get him off of me. I was screaming for him to get off of me. To let me go. He kept screaming "No. Not until you stop acting like a child." That was his reason for everything when shit like this happened I was the one acting like a child.
He finally let go.
Then he did what he always did afterwards, he sat CALMLY like a fuckin psycho telling me that if I kept acting like this we wouldn't last for much longer. To which I replied, "put your hands on me again and I promise we won't." he laughed. He fuckin laughed. Then patted my shoulder and told me to have a nice day before leaving the house.
I wanted to burn the apartment to the ground.
I stayed in my room with the door locked hiding in my closet and cried for hours. I stayed quiet. I listened for when he'd come back. I made sure I was in bed and 'asleep' by the time he came back. I hated being scared. I hated myself. I hated Easter. He ruined my favorite holiday without so much as a fuckin care. I was heartbroken.
Then he had the nerve to come home and hug me like he didn't just put his hands on me. Claiming he didn't slam me that hard and to quit acting like a baby. As if slamming your girlfriend anywhere for any reason was fuckin normal. Then went on to claim that I needed his money when he blew all his money on comic book and Hot Wheels.
He didn't pay rent. He didn't pay bills. He didn't pay electric or internet. He didn't even pay for his own gas or food. He literally didn't pay for shit. I laughed when he said I needed his money. I never needed his money or him. But in his delusional mind he really thought he was doing some shit for the 'household' when he didn't do shit. He didn't even pay for the Netflix or Hulu he was fuckin using. And when I would remind him of rent he would again fight with me and the cycle started all over again.
This day however was the first time he picked me up and slammed me. Through out our relationship he would do it again. And again.
And no matter how hard I tired to kick him out. Or break up with him he just wouldn't get the fuckin hint. He would ignore me. If I could had afforded to change the locks on the apartment and leave all his shit outside I would had. But I had nowhere to go, nowhere to hide and no one to turn to. I was stranded in a city an hour away from anyone I knew. And it was definitely scary.
I refused to let this day take away my love for Easter. But every time it comes up, it just hurts to think someone out there thought this was okay.
~*~
I'm thankful I'm out of that relationship. I'm thankful I'm away from all that toxic energy and I'm somewhere far away from there and safe. And around someone who goes above and beyond these days to make sure every holiday is one I'll love.
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