Life | My Past Birthday's... II

I somehow forgot to write this little section in the previous entry. I guess I thought the photo had copied to my desktop when it didn't and I didn't realize it until I went to bed last night that I didn't talk about this!

This birthday was probably the most memorable, and definitely not in a good way.

My ex husband was pretty... selfish. Bubba had asked me months ago if he was ever controlling and in a sense I never thought of M as 'controlling', I guess because he never acted out, if you will. Like he never made public scenes or he never flat out showed your typical version of jealousy. But if I think about all the things he expected of me or all the things he pushed then in a really subtle yet un-subtle way he was controlling. He wouldn't throw a fit or make a scene but he was a pro (A FUCKIN PRO I TELL YOU) at ignoring someone for as long as a week and a half. And I mean IGNORE, like not talking, not responding. But if we're talking ignore then he went years doing that shit.

But he was selfish in a sense since I can't really think of another word to call it --- let's put it this way --- if he had friends (and 99% of his friends were girls which was fine cause 100% of my friends are usually guys though I DO NOT hug coworkers AT WORK. Hell I don't hug them AT ALL unless I'm REALLY close to them and that takes a lot of time. I'm not a hugger if I don't fuckin know you and I'm definitely NOT a hugger if I suspect you have a crush on me. In fact I'd be less than a friend if I suspected you had a crush on me and I definitely would not be hanging out with you, ever) which were mostly girls he would completely ignore me. If they asked him to hang out he would be prompt and he would stay out as late as 2am. He wouldn't tell me WHERE he was going or WHO these girls were and he wouldn't update me from time to time. If he went to hang out with friends or coworkers I wouldn't get a single text or call the entire time he was out. If I texted asking him something while he was out he would get pissed and wouldn't respond.

This particular year we had to take the same work bus to work (the E bus for those of you who do/did the DCP and worked on the Hollywood Studios route whoot whoot); we barely ever started work at the same time or ended at the same time to ever really have to be on the same bus. But the very few times we did he wouldn't even acknowledge I was on the bus, especially if his coworkers were there.

Once we were standing at the bus stop, I had my headphones on cause we were waiting and he was standing next to me, a coworker comes and says hi. Looks at me then walks off. He turns to me mad saying, "why do you always have to repel my friends." uh bitch what? I'm sitting here, listening to music, on my phone, minding my own business. Don't no one care about you and your janky friends. She need to brush her hair.

This was the birthday year I'm talking about.

The one I had mentioned where his friend's birthday was the day before mine and they went to lunch and I was waiting for him at my spa appointment. His friend had asked about me and he didn't like it. So he resolved to not have me meet anyone he worked with. So this year, though I saw some of his coworkers from time to time on the bus with him, I wasn't allowed to meet them or say hi. So most of the time when I'd run into him say on the bus on the way home, I'd sit away from him and with my coworkers instead and ignore the fact he's actually on the bus since he did such a great job of ignoring me even as I walked on.

Great marriage, right?

So he was never into social media, he always said it was "stupid" and "gay" but during my birthday week that year he got back on Instagram and Facebook, added all his chick friends and would frequently be in a group chat with them on Facebook or on Instagram and leaving each other comment threads. I noticed he got back on social media but he still hadn't liked or commented on any of my posts anywhere. But I knew he was texting people on these apps.

He said he had gotten on for my birthday as if THAT was his bday gift to me. Just like how he frequently used, "I was nice to you all day." as if it's something that he should be praised for. It didn't occur to me at the time that Chanel's birthday was literally the day before mine and that he added all his coworkers and was constantly texting them. Yet he spun it around saying he got back on for me though he left no trace of any activity on any of my posts.

I do a lot of random things.

At EPCOT you can color in a Perry or a Duffy at any of the countries. There's a table for kids to color at and you take it to every station in every country and they stamp it for you.

I was pretty proud of this guy cause I thought the body color was pretty accurate and at the time I was kind of obsessed with Perry (not so much Secret Agent P) even though I didn't watch the show. But I always thought it was funny how as Perry he's kinda cross/bulge eyed but as Secret Agent P he looks all professional lol! And no, sadly you can't meet Perry in the parks!

So I decided to color a Perry and take him around the world for my birthday. M colored some of him but I colored most of him and it was me who took him around and I'd chit chat with the people in the diff countries. The guy in France noticed I had a Vinylmation pin and we talked Vinylmations for awhile.

There was another photo of just Secret Agent P by himself without me in it and I noticed M had posted it on his Instagram with the caption, "I scraped those little whack ass kids."

I noticed that there was no mention of me or my birthday at all on that post. When his friends left comments he took ALL the credit and he made it sound as if he was so hardcore that he "scraped" some KIDS in coloring a fuckin character. It's not a content or a game. It's something fuckin fun for kids to do. If you need to boost yourself up by down talking KIDS who are on VACATION you've got some fuckin problems. Foreal.

I had brought it up as we were going to Magic Kingdom to watch Wishes and it started this big argument where the above was said. I don't remember the entire fight. I do remember sobbing my fuckin heart out at the Magic Kingdom gates not even wanting to go see Wishes. Not even wanting to celebrate my birthday anymore.

I was just so sad and so hurt.

And I was so tired of being hidden. And sadly this was the start of the next 2 years of being hidden and BANNED from his work location. Oh yes, it got worse.

I was so tired of him saying anything having to do with marriage was gay. When that shit didn't even make fuckin sense. He never told people he was married. They would have to figure it out themselves. If I did go visit him at work and someone asked who I was he'd say "oh that's Hazel." it got so bad that some of his coworkers speculated he wasn't even married and was lying about it since no one EVER saw me. There was one coworker who he got into an altercation with at work who ran into us doing laundry once and was like "oh, you really are married I guess." and he got pissed he said that. As if it wasn't obviously his own fault. Or as if he was mad he was married in general.

As much as I loved that Perry in the end I ended up throwing him away. Every time I saw him I'd just get sad and remember that day.

At the end of the day M blamed everything on me and "acting crazy" so he deleted the photo off his Instagram and deleted the app off his phone along with the FB app. And in the end he ended up joining SnapChat with all of them and refused to add me to his friends list.

I try to cling on to the good memories of this birthday --- my facial. Finally meeting Remy at Chefs de France and getting to eat in France. My day 2 outfit with the top hat. How good this outfit came out and how I didn't feel insecure in it at all (it was the first time wearing a dress in forever). Getting to eat Ohana's.

And I think that was it.

But this is definitely one birthday memory I wish I could erase.

Life | My Past Birthday's...

It's my birthday week.

And though I'm not turning a significant age I thought I'd look back on all my past birthdays. As a reminder, if you will.

I'm a little sad I'm not going on vacation or doing anything epic this year for my birthday. I am going on foodie adventures through out the DFW area though which I am REALLY REALLY excited about especially since there's a few places I've really wanted to try since I moved here!

But I was thinking the other day and this morning; I had mentioned to Bubba I never look forward to my birthday. Like ever. And though I've had traditions that I've held on pretty tightly to through out the years I wonder, really, how do I FEEL about my birthday?

Food | Review; Sugarfina Bunny Bark

Earlier in March we took a trip to Dallas cause I wanted to check out the Easter collection at LUSH and we were planning on heading to the Dallas Farmers Market but ended up going to another mall instead. Whomp. Some day I'll make it to that Farmers Market!

Tbh I wish I could spend more time in Dallas, there's so much to see and do and discover there!

We did head to my favorite mall and I saw that Sugarfina had successfully finished moving into their bigger store. So I made a small haul purchase.

But we're not here to talk about that, we're here to talk about the Bunny Bark!

Life | Hello April!

I love Tulips.

I'd love if I could afford them right now too, but since I can't. Picture taking will have to do.

It's five days into the new month. Five D A Y S and bills are already fucking me. Ya'll I'm so tired of paying bills. Like it's not even funny how tired I am! I guess that falls back to me and past me and all the dumb shit past me was doing but then again I'm extra mad at past me for not telling those other dudes who were using me to get they own shit!

It's my birth month and I'm never excited about my birthday. I mean I was pretty excited last year since Bubba was spending the week with me at Disney World but generally speaking, I'm never really excited.

I can't do my usual traditions cause I'm not in Florida anymore. Also Bubba started a new job (which I'm really happy about) but he's working on my birthday. I'm trying to be somewhat not a poopy pants about it but let's be real, after I turned 25 without a BA in sight I was just like LORT ANOTHER YEAR OLDER. ANOTHER YEAR FAILED.

And that's definitely NOT the way you should be viewing life.

Granted there's nothing exciting about turning 33, still trying to rebuild your shit and yourself and thinking godammit I should get off FB with all these people and their careers and vacations. Which is why I'm never really on FB anymore. I post what I need to post, stalk who I need to stalk and get off!

This blog post wasn't suppose to be about me, it was suppose to be about my goals for April.

⇢ Get your shit together (at least a little bit)
⇢ Read 3 books (and not on the last day of the month)
⇢ Blog more // I know shit can be hard but girl it's your release SO QUIT IT
⇢ EXPLORE more, spend LESS
⇢ Apartment hunting
⇢ Tidy room & closet / purge shit you really don't need
⇢ Sort digital stuff / back up laptop (since it's been like years since you did)
⇢ Get RDM and AST to 60 on FFXIV
⇢ Find something that calms you
⇢ Practice better time management
⇢ Catch up on reviews that need to be written
⇢ Celebrate your birthday... the best you can

I know Bubba puts a lot of effort into everything. And I know it might be killing him that he can't go all out on the day of my birthday this year and that the only thing I asked for was food adventures but I guess when you get older the experiences matter more than getting things. And normally I go on vacation for my birthday --- which I was excited moving closer to the West Coast cause I really wanted to celebrate my birthday in Vegas & Disneyland like I use to when I lived in CA 7 years ago but that didn't work out. 

So this year I hope I find a new birthday tradition and I hope I find some enlightenment or motivation to get up and do something MORE. I mean I always want to do more but it's actually doing it lately that's the problem (which was never a problem before, so I'm confused as to why it is now).

So here's to April; my personal restart button.

Life | Easter 2018!

Last year I told Bubba that Easter was one of my favorite hoildays; my mom always made sure we had Easter baskets and as I got older she started adding Tulips to my Easter basket gifts. But when I moved away to work for Disney, she wasn't there to set up an Easter basket for me (though some years she would ship me one) and so I started making Easter baskets for myself.

(Fun Fact: Despite I was married before for pretty much 11 years, my ex husband never ONCE made me an Easter basket. Then again it took divorce papers to actually buy me a birthday gift for the first time ever so who knows.)

Last year Bubba made me an Easter basket claiming I can't make them for myself so he put together a basket and brought it with him to Disney World since we were spending my birthday there and he was flying out on Easter.

To this day, I have no idea how he fit that giant basket into his duffel bag.

Life | Easter 2016

I literally don't know why I'm getting anxiety just thinking about writing this blog post. I feel like my blood has run cold and all my nerves are on alert. 

I guess just thinking of this day still makes me cringe. 

Traditions are very important to me. And I created traditions for myself to enjoy the things I like in life, to have things to look forward to. Because when your life is lonely and your mind can be your greatest enemy the best way to combat that is to have something to look forward to. To have bits of this life that excite you.

Two years ago I lived in Lake Mary, Florida. I moved away from Orlando and it was the biggest and dumbest move I ever made. I was told by the guy I was dating at the time that I wouldn't be that far from Orlando or Disney and we would be able to go any time. 

That was a lie.

I had to fight with him for a week to get to Disney and even when we finally DID go, he would be miserable the whole time and want to leave as soon as we got there. We were an hour away, maybe less. But hell he'd get upset if I said I wanted to go to Krispy Kreme which was ten minutes away. He was the type to expect you to go/do everything HE wanted to do without question yet when I wanted to do the things I've ALWAYS done he'd throw a fit and trap me in the house. This was a big thing of his btw, trapping me. 

I didn't really notice it until I moved to Lake Mary.

Two year ago today was Easter.

I normally spent Easter at Disney and I had brought up this months before to which he said was fine, we could spend Easter there since he had no real plans. But the day before was saying all of a sudden we couldn't go and I HAD to go with him to his grandparents house. His grandparents house were we spent EVERY OTHER FUCKIN DAY doing NOTHING but staring at the wall, literally. Not to mention my cousin who I hadn't seen in year since I moved away from California was going to be in Tampa and he had ZERO interest in seeing her or meeting her --- in fact he had zero interest in meeting ANY of my family members including my parents.

The morning of, he did what he always did.

He firmly stated we WEREN'T going to Disney. Demanded I get dressed and get ready to go with him to his grandparent's house.

I refused.

I was tired of him gas lighting me. I was tired of him promising to do something then last minute going back on his word then picking a fight with me to shut me up when I'd call him out on it. I was tired of his shit.

So I said no. I wasn't going. I wasn't leaving the house if we weren't going to Disney. That I'm sick of him lying to me.

He walked over to the computer desk where I was sitting.

He picked me up by my throat.

Then he SLAMMED me on the couch wrapping his hands around my throat and screaming at me asking if "I was done acting like a child." I tried kicking him in his gut, in his face, anywhere to get him off of me. I was screaming for him to get off of me. To let me go. He kept screaming "No. Not until you stop acting like a child." That was his reason for everything when shit like this happened I was the one acting like a child.

He finally let go.

Then he did what he always did afterwards, he sat CALMLY like a fuckin psycho telling me that if I kept acting like this we wouldn't last for much longer. To which I replied, "put your hands on me again and I promise we won't." he laughed. He fuckin laughed. Then patted my shoulder and told me to have a nice day before leaving the house.

I wanted to burn the apartment to the ground.

I stayed in my room with the door locked hiding in my closet and cried for hours. I stayed quiet. I listened for when he'd come back. I made sure I was in bed and 'asleep' by the time he came back. I hated being scared. I hated myself. I hated Easter. He ruined my favorite holiday without so much as a fuckin care. I was heartbroken. 

Then he had the nerve to come home and hug me like he didn't just put his hands on me. Claiming he didn't slam me that hard and to quit acting like a baby. As if slamming your girlfriend anywhere for any reason was fuckin normal. Then went on to claim that I needed his money when he blew all his money on comic book and Hot Wheels. 

He didn't pay rent. He didn't pay bills. He didn't pay electric or internet. He didn't even pay for his own gas or food. He literally didn't pay for shit. I laughed when he said I needed his money. I never needed his money or him. But in his delusional mind he really thought he was doing some shit for the 'household' when he didn't do shit. He didn't even pay for the Netflix or Hulu he was fuckin using. And when I would remind him of rent he would again fight with me and the cycle started all over again.

This day however was the first time he picked me up and slammed me. Through out our relationship he would do it again. And again.

And no matter how hard I tired to kick him out. Or break up with him he just wouldn't get the fuckin hint. He would ignore me. If I could had afforded to change the locks on the apartment and leave all his shit outside I would had. But I had nowhere to go, nowhere to hide and no one to turn to. I was stranded in a city an hour away from anyone I knew. And it was definitely scary. 

I refused to let this day take away my love for Easter. But every time it comes up, it just hurts to think someone out there thought this was okay.

~*~

I'm thankful I'm out of that relationship. I'm thankful I'm away from all that toxic energy and I'm somewhere far away from there and safe. And around someone who goes above and beyond these days to make sure every holiday is one I'll love.

Happy Spring!

There are few things in life that instantly put me in a good mood --- Spring season is one of them.

Despite I spend 70% of my day every day sneezing my soul out. 

And even though my allergies are awful in the Spring (though to be fair they're just as bad in Fall which is also my favorite season).

But also my birthday is in the Spring!

I love how you get super excited for your birthdays until you hit like 25 then it's like shit, I'm hella close to 30. I'm turning 33 this year which means I'm inching closer and closer to 40 and I'm not sure how I fuckin feel about that. 

There's so much I want to DO and SEE and EXPERIENCE. There's so much I'm not ready for. There's so much I want to be ready for but I don't know how. And as always, I feel like I'm running out of time. Then again I've felt like that since I was 13.

However this is my first real Spring in Texas and my first birthday here. Every time I live somewhere I come up with a new tradition, on accident. I'm a little worried since I don't know what to do for my bday since I don't know much about Texas but I'm also really curious to see what I'll stumble on.

Though I have thought of creating a tradition with this super cute bakery in Dallas called Sweet Daze. But we'll see.

Today is also this sweet girl's THIRD ADOPTAVERSARY!

Today 3 years ago I got to finally take Sophie home! In the last 3 years we've moved FIVE times to FOUR different cities and to TWO states. She's been my cuddle buddy, my nap buddy, my alarm clock, my time-to-go-to-bed clock, my guard cat and my best friend. 

She's licked my tears while I've cried. She's swatted my arm to get extra loves and she's woken me up with kisses. She is the sweetest soul I've ever encountered and the most laid back cat. She doesn't get mad. She doesn't get attitudes. Sometimes she talks back and sometimes she just talks. But she's never bit anyone out of anger or annoyance. She's patient with everything except loves. And she loves attention. She also loves cheese. And sea salt kettle chips. And coconut ice cream.

Everyone advised I didn't adopt her when I found her because she was 10 and only weighed 5 pounds but I'm glad I didn't listen and held on to her until I could take her home. I don't regret any of it one bit.

Happy 3 years baby girl, I hope you'll stick around for another 3. And maybe 3 more after that?

What are some of your favorite things about Spring?