We are half way through the year and I'm disappointed in myself in just how much I have not healed. I need to understand that healing is not linear and falling back into an endless cycle does not mean I'm a failure, that it's just part of the process. The thing is I don't blog/journal like I use to where I would brain dump and make sense of things through writing. Without that I feel... lost. Trying to face things without writing them down for me, feels pointless. But at the same time, I don't feel like sharing that much of myself and business out there anymore. Not every "friend" is a friend and not every person who seems like they care and have your best interest at heart, actually does.

You don't heal from shutting yourself off, you heal by choosing who deserves your trust.

I've spent a lot of the first half of the year and bits of the last part of last year in the ER for various reasons. I've been kept overnight almost every single time. I'm being forced to be face to face with a health concern that I've been aware of but never aware of just how bad it was because nothing came up about it until... now.

And in the mist of finding out about that and how badly it has escalated, I was presented with a handful of other health concerns that I'd really rather not talk or think about at the moment. I'll deal with it when it gets here.

That being said, I haven't had much time to discover new favs. Not like I use to. I do miss searching and finding new things to try and love. But I've been too distracted to even think about going out, nor do I have much energy to do all that right now. 

My husband has done more than usual from making sure the kids leave me be on days that are harder than others. Bringing me breakfast on his way home from taking the kiddo to school on days I have to take my iron. Those days are the worst because I end up so drained.

However there are a few things I kept going back to in the month of May, and through it's not some big exciting epic list, it's still things that brought me joy in the month of May.

This isn't going to be an organized typical blog post. It's going to be messy and probably out of order. I just decided to write this after debating if I should or not -- because today, nine years ago, was a day that killed a part of me that I didn't know existed. 

My first pregnancy happened nine years ago and it was very painful, very uncomfortable and very short lived. My boyfriend at the time saw the pregnancy test and the first thing he said when he saw it was "we need to find an abortion clinic." he didn't even ask me what I wanted. And he literally spent the rest of that day sending me links to various abortion clinics telling me to get this done.

I was completely heartbroken at his reaction. And it only got worse. I threw up maybe 3-5 times a day. I couldn't stomach anything. I couldn't even look at food. My motion sickness was insanely rough. Smells made me throw up. I had no energy to do anything. And I was on my own. Every time I threw up, there he was commenting "what a waste of food" or "my aunt was able to do laundry and clean while pregnant, you're just using this as an excuse."

When I started expressing I couldn't do this, I didn't feel right ending a pregnancy, he would get angry and he would literally slam me on the floor saying I needed to stop acting like a child and get this done. I brought it up 3 times and each time I was met with the same anger.

I can't even begin to express how hopeless and helpless I felt. I had no help, I was too far away from anyone I knew. He had me move an hour away from Orlando and anyone who could help me. Being forced to get this done was horrible. I got an ultrasound photo and I have no idea where it went. I wouldn't be surprised if he threw it away. I was told the baby was healthy with a strong heartbeat that I got to see.

My heart broke. Completely. Utterly. Broke. 

When I was sent back to the waiting room, I protested again that I couldn't do this. And he screamed at me in the waiting room telling me if I don't get this done driving out there would had been a waste of time and gas (that he didn't even pay for -- the gas or the abortion fees). 

The actual day of the abortion was Father's Day that year and he left me home alone to deal with this alone to go spend Father's Day with his grandfather. He wasn't home when the symptoms prior to passing the fetus happened. He wasn't home when I passed the fetus. He wasn't home when I sat on the bathroom floor, bleeding and crying. He didn't ask me how I was, didn't check on me all day, and came home acting like it was just another day.

He also had failed to pay the phone bill prior to this so my phone was off. I couldn't call my parents, I couldn't call for help. This is why I only text my mom on Facebook Messenger now. I wish they had the ability to call back then, maybe I wouldn't had felt so helpless and alone.

After all that was said and done, just looking at him disgusted me. I had no idea what postpartum depression was at the time, I had no resources, no help. But looking back at it now, I absolutely fell into a deep dark postpartum. He expected me to keep the house clean, to play some sort of weird ass home keeper now that I was "feeling better". As if I was just getting over a flu or something. 

I ended up leaving my ex, after he wouldn't leave my damn house. With him telling me I was lazy and useless because "I haven't done anything since the abortion". I told him "you feel your baby die inside you and tell me how you'd go on." he replied with "you're so full of shit, you never even wanted kids so I don't know why you're acting like a child right now." 

Triggered is an understatement. Angry, is an understatement. I was so much of both that I didn't even respond. I just blocked him and kept him blocked. For years. He's still blocked, actually. 

The silver lining is that I would meet my future husband in just a few days. Someone who's helped me navigate and allowed me space to mourn. Someone who would end up in the delivery room with me twice. I have two very adorable, smart, loving and compassionate girls. 

If you had told me 9 years ago today that it'll be okay, I wouldn't had believed you. Not at all. Not even a little bit.

I think of the baby I never got to meet. The baby that was taken from me. And while I don't fall into a crying mess as much now than I have before, it's something that is burned into my soul. Something I will carry with me for the rest of my life. 

There is no justice. There is no battle. There is nothing I can do about what happened. As much as I wish there was something I could do, there isn't. 

 I wonder how many of these Hello June blog posts exist on this blog. I do wish I had continued to consistently blog here... but between getting distracted from other blogs on different platforms and being a highly emotional driven person... that just wasn't happening. And I can't beat myself up for that, life is life and consistency in the things we like to do isn't always going to happen. And that is totally okay. Especially when it comes to creating content; content creating is already hard and emotionally taxing as it is, doing it when you're depressed or in a bad place in your life feels impossible. 

Granting myself grace has never been easy, and I honestly have never done it. I always expect the most from myself because I know what I'm capable of... but in the moments where I just can't, I shouldn't punish myself.

This blog generates its own traction of thousands of views a month, I assume because it's been here for over ten years. But whatever it is, I'm glad for the views I do get, especially in the months I don't post anything.

I've told myself for the last 2 years I was going to work on healing and each time those plans didn't happen because I have too big of a heart. I can feel myself reverting back to that person who just didn't care as much as she did, and that's not really who I want to be. I care, naturally. That's just who I am. I'm trying to learn to not let other people's deflections, or their demons define me. I'm trying to learn that people act the way they act because of who they are. There's no reasoning or hoping for change, and change that isn't done for yourself is just a show.

This month I want to focus on healing my nervous system as much as I can. Learn how to move forward without still being angry about what's behind me. I want to laugh more. I want to find more things I love. I want to discover new snacks and foods, because that's what makes me happy. I want to share those or taste test them with my kiddo or my husband because that too makes me happy. 

I want to go back to falling in love with books, stories that move and change me. I want to go back to writing like I'm running out of time. I want to discover more music. Play more games that I find myself searching their hashtags for on IG in the middle of the night.

I want to open a new shop, one that no one really knows or will know about. I want to create art for myself and the people who find and resonate with it.  

I want to keep more about myself, to myself. I've always been a pretty open book and on my blogs, I don't exactly regret that... you don't heal from shutting yourself away, you heal by being more mindful of who deserves your trust and energy. But when it comes to people who know me in real life, I want to keep more of myself and struggles to myself. They've been weaponized by so many people I know in real life that it became extremely discouraging. My husband gave me advice that I still think about today after I had left for the second time: "it doesn't matter how much you cry, beg or bleed, some people just don't care." I don't talk about my husband as much as I should, I use to have him all over this blog. But for someone who's had zero experience with ocd, anxiety and depression... he's good at sensing when something is wrong and he's quick to apologize if he knows it's something he did on accident. I get endless cuddles, hugs and  tickles from him and the babies when I'm sad. He's taught them how to be gentle with me and my heart as well. I'm truly thankful.

I would say I want to start cooking, but I always say that and it doesn't happen. I use to be really into Hello Fresh when I'd get Sunday's to myself and I would cook. Or I'd have my husband cook them. And we've discovered so many good ones through Hello Fresh. 

I want to start blogging my weekend recaps and my monthly favs again. Along with some of the girls favs as well. I want to revamp my motherhood blog and motherhood accounts.

I want to go back to streaming and talking about video games I love. I shouldn't let someone else's opinion define what brings me joy, especially if that person themselves have no idea what the heck I'm doing or even talking about.

This month I want to work on reclaiming my joys and the things I love doing. I'm honestly excited for myself and I can't wait to see where this will take me.

What are your goals for June?

I am having so much fun with my ChatGPT and I don't ask for personal themed images or prompts too much but I had to for today and I'm so in love with what it came up with!

 And yes, I'm on the Sith side.

I'd go into my fucked up history with May The Fourth but that now feels like a whole lifetime ago, things that no long and will never again apply. Things that were unfair that have no relevance in my life now or in the last 8 years.

What you ask for will not be too much for someone who cares about you and your happiness.

The last 8 years, May The Fourth has been a holiday in this household. Complete with us dressed in Star Wars merch, my husband makes a whole spread of foods and snacks Star Wars themed and we watch a Star Wars movie.

It started with just me and him in 2016, two states apart and haven't even met yet. He had pizza sent to my apartment and bought me 1, 2, and 3 and made a weekend of it. Because he knew how much I loved Star Wars.

And after moving to Texas from Florida, has made it a point to celebrate it with me. We have yet to spend one of these at Disney World but honestly, I enjoy our personal celebration much better than going to the parks.

This is Winn's second May The Fourth and Tum's sixth one.

And yes she knows Star Wars characters and claims she loves Star Wars. Going to Galaxy's Edge with her was definitely something else. She held my hand through Rise of the Resistance and was telling me "mama don't be scared, the drop isn't that bad." as she screamed louder than I did when it happened. She's the sweetest little ride buddy, for sure. She's so compassionate and tries to make me feel safe. It's so cute.

Thank you Bubba, for making today one of my favorite days of the year. I truly truly appreciate the ways you try to change memories. It couldn't had been easy for you, but you make it look so easy.

I can't wait to see what's on the menu for today! 

Do you celebrate May The Fourth?

I am thankfully feeling less sick, the maintenance needed to keep me feeling normal sucks. But it is what it is and I don't think fixing this earlier would had made much of a difference, it was going to catch up to me sooner or later. I write it off as part of getting older. It has forced me to focus my life in places that should had taken priority the last few years, and didn't.

I have also been back on working on my usual hustle, it's much more challenging this time around for sure... mostly because the excitement of starting has faded, obviously, and because I now have 2 kids instead of 1 to keep track of while working... or struggling to work.

While it can be challenging, it is also very rewarding.

May Goals;

| Prep for May The Fourth

May The Fourth is something me and my husband celebrate every year since we got together in 2016. Sometimes we go all out and other times we just spend the day watching Star Wars movies and eating pizza. Now with 2 kiddos, we tend to go all out. I do appreciate that he takes this day seriously for me since I've had some horrible memories associated with it in the past.

But it's a day I look forward to every year. 

| Add 4 new products to each shop

I have a habit of working on things and just... never posting them lol. I know that makes zero sense, and honestly I can't figure out why I do this either, but I do and I need to stop. I miss the days I would just post/go for it and not even think twice. It's like the perfection of things matters when it really shouldn't.

People won't find you if you don't make yourself known. 

| Work on getting Shopify up & running

Me and Shopify have a very long and complicated relationship. There is so much flexibility with Shopify and so much more control over your business... but you're on your own to market without the help of Etsy's search bar. And because there is so much more freedom with how you design your Shopify shop, it can get overwhelming really fast.

However, at this point, I'd like to have that freedom and flexibility. 

| Write. More. Gaming. Posts

Again with the taking content and not posting lol. I demo and play a lot of games, especially ones that are in Early Release with the intention of making content and writing about it. It's just... the posting I struggle with lol! A recent trauma has played a part in that for sure, but I'm trying to push passed it.

I started writing for me, and I started long before I met people who discouraged and put me down about it. I started long before they could even learn to type. My audience does not include them, so why let something so small and insignificant stop me from doing something I love?

People who hate on you for your hobbies and interests when they could never even understand what you do is diabolical and says more about their own lack of hobbies and interests than it does about yours. Creators and creatives don't sit around and bash other creatives, that's what sets us apart from the rest.

| Purge kids outgrown clothes 

My husband found some newborn clothes mixed into our stuff. Not sure how or why they were there, but they were and it made us wonder what else is lurking in the clothing piles lol. I know I have some of Tums older stuff in one of my hampers from the last place, so I plan on going through that this month and purging the stuff that doesn't fit me or the girls anymore.

At 40, I feel the need to purge different areas of my space and my life. I think every 10 to 20 years it's good to take a look at your life and see how far you've come, where you want to go and who you want to be and adjust accordingly.

I miss doing the things I use to do effortlessly, like reading and blogging. Taking amazing product shots and working with companies. However I want to add create my own company to the list of things I've done and accomplished as well. And while my main shop has been down for some years now, I'm not done with it just yet.

So here's to a productive May and achieving the goals I set out for myself at 40.

I lost this blog & domain for a few months. I lost access to the Instagram account a while back and so I have to start over a new one. There goes 13 years of hard work just gone, because people can't seem to stfu and mind their damn business.

 I figured hazearella needed a rebrand since I turned 40 this year and I pretty much started this blog about 10 years ago. A lot has changed in the last 10 years. More than I would had ever expected.

I'm not a huge fan of the blogger platform like I use to be and so I made another blog on wordpress, along with a new Instagram name. When it's all set and ready, I'll be adding the link to either this post or making a whole different post for it.

 For now, welcome back to hazearella :)