I wonder how many of these Hello June blog posts exist on this blog. I do wish I had continued to consistently blog here... but between getting distracted from other blogs on different platforms and being a highly emotional driven person... that just wasn't happening. And I can't beat myself up for that, life is life and consistency in the things we like to do isn't always going to happen. And that is totally okay. Especially when it comes to creating content; content creating is already hard and emotionally taxing as it is, doing it when you're depressed or in a bad place in your life feels impossible.
Granting myself grace has never been easy, and I honestly have never done it. I always expect the most from myself because I know what I'm capable of... but in the moments where I just can't, I shouldn't punish myself.
This blog generates its own traction of thousands of views a month, I assume because it's been here for over ten years. But whatever it is, I'm glad for the views I do get, especially in the months I don't post anything.
I've told myself for the last 2 years I was going to work on healing and each time those plans didn't happen because I have too big of a heart. I can feel myself reverting back to that person who just didn't care as much as she did, and that's not really who I want to be. I care, naturally. That's just who I am. I'm trying to learn to not let other people's deflections, or their demons define me. I'm trying to learn that people act the way they act because of who they are. There's no reasoning or hoping for change, and change that isn't done for yourself is just a show.
This month I want to focus on healing my nervous system as much as I can. Learn how to move forward without still being angry about what's behind me. I want to laugh more. I want to find more things I love. I want to discover new snacks and foods, because that's what makes me happy. I want to share those or taste test them with my kiddo or my husband because that too makes me happy.
I want to go back to falling in love with books, stories that move and change me. I want to go back to writing like I'm running out of time. I want to discover more music. Play more games that I find myself searching their hashtags for on IG in the middle of the night.
I want to open a new shop, one that no one really knows or will know about. I want to create art for myself and the people who find and resonate with it.
I want to keep more about myself, to myself. I've always been a pretty open book and on my blogs, I don't exactly regret that... you don't heal from shutting yourself away, you heal by being more mindful of who deserves your trust and energy. But when it comes to people who know me in real life, I want to keep more of myself and struggles to myself. They've been weaponized by so many people I know in real life that it became extremely discouraging. My husband gave me advice that I still think about today after I had left for the second time: "it doesn't matter how much you cry, beg or bleed, some people just don't care." I don't talk about my husband as much as I should, I use to have him all over this blog. But for someone who's had zero experience with ocd, anxiety and depression... he's good at sensing when something is wrong and he's quick to apologize if he knows it's something he did on accident. I get endless cuddles, hugs and tickles from him and the babies when I'm sad. He's taught them how to be gentle with me and my heart as well. I'm truly thankful.
I would say I want to start cooking, but I always say that and it doesn't happen. I use to be really into Hello Fresh when I'd get Sunday's to myself and I would cook. Or I'd have my husband cook them. And we've discovered so many good ones through Hello Fresh.
I want to start blogging my weekend recaps and my monthly favs again. Along with some of the girls favs as well. I want to revamp my motherhood blog and motherhood accounts.
I want to go back to streaming and talking about video games I love. I shouldn't let someone else's opinion define what brings me joy, especially if that person themselves have no idea what the heck I'm doing or even talking about.
This month I want to work on reclaiming my joys and the things I love doing. I'm honestly excited for myself and I can't wait to see where this will take me.
What are your goals for June?
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