We are in the 4th month of the year. That's 2 months away from hitting mid-year. I recently learned that time indeed seems to pass faster the older you get because of the things you've already experienced. It's really interesting and also really scary in a mind fuck kind of way. Not at all comforting.

It's my birth month and usually I celebrate my birthday all week. Since moving to Texas, I have not and it's making my soul itch, if you know what I mean. The older I get, the more I want to move back into my "you can't tell me how to live my life" era because since I fund my own life, I should be in control of my own life and my own time. It would only make sense.

I'm not here to even attempt to romanticize April, as much as I want to. Because let's be real -- April means rain and rain anywhere other than Florida is miserable. April means the bugs are suddenly more comfortable coming outside. April means Spring which means allergens are ready to wreck yo face. As pretty and as girly it is to romanticize April, I'm not going to bother this year. Hop on Pinterest if you're looking for that. Or Threads, it's all over the place.

Instead, I'm going to give myself the low spoonie goal + hope guide for my 41st year. And goodness, has it been a long one already.

        | celebrate your birthday your way

That means, fuck what anyone else has to say!! Do you boo, it's your day. Your week. YOUR MONTH. Be as loud as you use to be.

| declutter items not spaces

I read that decluttering items like clothes or shoes or like specific things like that instead of area's or rooms or drawers can be less overwhelming. And I kinda see how that's a thing.

| go back to eating more greens and adding more iron rich foods to your meals again

I hate that I lost sight of this. Depression does some weird shit but changing my diet was uncalled for lol. I'm usually really good about eating iron rich foods, whole foods, healthy fats, all that stuff. Texans don't believe in healthy eating and I don't know why I even let that get to me. Don't like it? Don't eat it. But leave me the fuck out of it. I know my body and I know what I stick to long before any of this, so step off, thanks.

| do what you can to create your cozy space

Walking into your room should feel like a deep breath. It should uplift your spirits every time you set foot. It should reflect who you are as far as fandoms, colors and scents. Do all the things you use to do to create your sanctuary of a room when you first moved out.

| figure out how to take 4k videos of Switch games

I really want to start making Pokopia and Mario videos but also Animal Crossing. I low key miss playing that but every time I get on I want to redo my entire island. But there are so many Pokopia videos I want to make! The base Switch capture isn't that great, which is sad since we're on the Switch2 now. Like? When did the image quality go down? I do stream and play on pc with my capture card that has a 4k setting. I'd just... have to figure out how to use it lol.

I'm also debating on installing Streamlabs on my MacBook Neo, but like... would that be a bit much?? It's not like I game heavy on it or anything. Or even at all. The games I usually play on my phone or iPad aren't optimized for the MacBook, does it stop me from trying? No. Is Steam installed on my MacBook? Yes.

| gentle self discipline

Do one thing for future you. Rebuild without guilt -- no matter how long it may take or how slow you may move. 

Slow movement is better than no movement - Kai Cenat

The two can co-exist, why not? Rebuilding does seem scary, especially after everything that's happened but you were this sort of person before any of this happened, before anything. You even majored and graduated in social media, like, come on. Stop it! You're good at what you do, you need to stop acting otherwise.

It's your birth month and if you don't celebrate big for you then who will? We know this already, again stop acting like you don't know. Be you. The loud, unhinged, unapologetic you.

It's finally Fall.

Though here in Texas, you wouldn't be able to tell. I tend to dwell in states that don't exactly have a Fall, in Fall. But it's okay, because as long as I know in spirit that it's Fall, I'll be good.

I was looking back  at my previous Fall Bucket Lists through out the years and it's kind of cool to see what I had planned in the years before. Wish I had one for every previous year, but I can also see why I didn't. Regardless, looking back at all your previous favorite things is kinda cool.

This year the list is going to be a bit simple, ending up sick the in ER early in October really pressed me for time for the things I wanted to do, but it's fine. Technically Fall is still a thing in November. 

1. Drink a Pumpkin Spice Latte

I refuse to drink the Starbucks in stores one because I'm still mad they ruined my favorite drink a few years ago by changing the recipe. I did try the one at Krispy Kreme recently and liked it. I've also been making my own at home every morning while I make Winnie her pancakes. It's a nice little routine to myself that I've been looking forward to at 6am. 

2. Bake something + make cozy soup

Tums has been asking to bake something with me and as a former pastry chef, I feel like I should. I haven't actually baked anything in forever and it's sad to see how much time has passed since, but I'm excited to share something I loved as a kid with her.

I also want to make my cozy soup -- well not mine, but one my mom made a lot when I was growing up on rainy days. It's one of my more simple ultimate comfort foods and one of the few things my mom makes that I know how to make, I owe it to myself and my inner child to make it more often this cozy season.

3. Go to a Pumpkin Patch

An actual like the ones you'd go to as a field trip in elementary school. I mean we have pumpkin patches here, but I want to go to like a field full of pumpkins just to see the excitement on Winnie's face. She loves pumpkins. I can't come up with any good OOTD outfits for this Fall, I remember when I had a ton of outfits. I wonder where half of them are. Cause I haven't seen anything I like in stores in the last few years.

Aerie use to be my go to, but even they haven't had anything good lately. Their sweats and lounge wear though? Still top notch.

4. Find crunchy leaves

Okay, this one is going to be harder to do I think. It's a bit harder to find crunchy leaves out here in actual Fall. It's a bit easier to find them in Jan and Feb, but I love taking crunchy leaves photos!  I mean, honestly, who doesn't.

5. Read a cozy Fall book

I haven't made my annual Oct TBR post yet, but I've started reading a few titles. Right now I'm sucked into Wayward by Emilia Hart and The Girl with No Reflection by Keshe Chow. As much as I love multiple time lines in books, I hate when I have one character I'd rather know more about and find myself skimming the other pov's just to get back to the one I really want to know about.

TGWNR starts off questionable and a bit creepy. But it's so gripping that I just need to know what the fuckin hell is going on. I don't know why it took me so long to pick this one up -- probably because I forgot I bought it. Books tend to just get buried in my Kindle library.

I still need to finish House of Salt & Sorrow, I was creeped out by the younger sister drawing that disturbing picture but man, it was getting so good. Reading creepy books is the best in the Fall when the days are shorter and I swear the nights are darker.

What are some things this season you want to do or see? I'd love to know in the comments below! 

 I wonder how many of these Hello June blog posts exist on this blog. I do wish I had continued to consistently blog here... but between getting distracted from other blogs on different platforms and being a highly emotional driven person... that just wasn't happening. And I can't beat myself up for that, life is life and consistency in the things we like to do isn't always going to happen. And that is totally okay. Especially when it comes to creating content; content creating is already hard and emotionally taxing as it is, doing it when you're depressed or in a bad place in your life feels impossible. 

Granting myself grace has never been easy, and I honestly have never done it. I always expect the most from myself because I know what I'm capable of... but in the moments where I just can't, I shouldn't punish myself.

This blog generates its own traction of thousands of views a month, I assume because it's been here for over ten years. But whatever it is, I'm glad for the views I do get, especially in the months I don't post anything.

I've told myself for the last 2 years I was going to work on healing and each time those plans didn't happen because I have too big of a heart. I can feel myself reverting back to that person who just didn't care as much as she did, and that's not really who I want to be. I care, naturally. That's just who I am. I'm trying to learn to not let other people's deflections, or their demons define me. I'm trying to learn that people act the way they act because of who they are. There's no reasoning or hoping for change, and change that isn't done for yourself is just a show.

This month I want to focus on healing my nervous system as much as I can. Learn how to move forward without still being angry about what's behind me. I want to laugh more. I want to find more things I love. I want to discover new snacks and foods, because that's what makes me happy. I want to share those or taste test them with my kiddo or my husband because that too makes me happy. 

I want to go back to falling in love with books, stories that move and change me. I want to go back to writing like I'm running out of time. I want to discover more music. Play more games that I find myself searching their hashtags for on IG in the middle of the night.

I want to open a new shop, one that no one really knows or will know about. I want to create art for myself and the people who find and resonate with it.  

I want to keep more about myself, to myself. I've always been a pretty open book and on my blogs, I don't exactly regret that... you don't heal from shutting yourself away, you heal by being more mindful of who deserves your trust and energy. But when it comes to people who know me in real life, I want to keep more of myself and struggles to myself. They've been weaponized by so many people I know in real life that it became extremely discouraging. My husband gave me advice that I still think about today after I had left for the second time: "it doesn't matter how much you cry, beg or bleed, some people just don't care." I don't talk about my husband as much as I should, I use to have him all over this blog. But for someone who's had zero experience with ocd, anxiety and depression... he's good at sensing when something is wrong and he's quick to apologize if he knows it's something he did on accident. I get endless cuddles, hugs and  tickles from him and the babies when I'm sad. He's taught them how to be gentle with me and my heart as well. I'm truly thankful.

I would say I want to start cooking, but I always say that and it doesn't happen. I use to be really into Hello Fresh when I'd get Sunday's to myself and I would cook. Or I'd have my husband cook them. And we've discovered so many good ones through Hello Fresh. 

I want to start blogging my weekend recaps and my monthly favs again. Along with some of the girls favs as well. I want to revamp my motherhood blog and motherhood accounts.

I want to go back to streaming and talking about video games I love. I shouldn't let someone else's opinion define what brings me joy, especially if that person themselves have no idea what the heck I'm doing or even talking about.

This month I want to work on reclaiming my joys and the things I love doing. I'm honestly excited for myself and I can't wait to see where this will take me.

What are your goals for June?

I am thankfully feeling less sick, the maintenance needed to keep me feeling normal sucks. But it is what it is and I don't think fixing this earlier would had made much of a difference, it was going to catch up to me sooner or later. I write it off as part of getting older. It has forced me to focus my life in places that should had taken priority the last few years, and didn't.

I have also been back on working on my usual hustle, it's much more challenging this time around for sure... mostly because the excitement of starting has faded, obviously, and because I now have 2 kids instead of 1 to keep track of while working... or struggling to work.

While it can be challenging, it is also very rewarding.

May Goals;

| Prep for May The Fourth

May The Fourth is something me and my husband celebrate every year since we got together in 2016. Sometimes we go all out and other times we just spend the day watching Star Wars movies and eating pizza. Now with 2 kiddos, we tend to go all out. I do appreciate that he takes this day seriously for me since I've had some horrible memories associated with it in the past.

But it's a day I look forward to every year. 

| Add 4 new products to each shop

I have a habit of working on things and just... never posting them lol. I know that makes zero sense, and honestly I can't figure out why I do this either, but I do and I need to stop. I miss the days I would just post/go for it and not even think twice. It's like the perfection of things matters when it really shouldn't.

People won't find you if you don't make yourself known. 

| Work on getting Shopify up & running

Me and Shopify have a very long and complicated relationship. There is so much flexibility with Shopify and so much more control over your business... but you're on your own to market without the help of Etsy's search bar. And because there is so much more freedom with how you design your Shopify shop, it can get overwhelming really fast.

However, at this point, I'd like to have that freedom and flexibility. 

| Write. More. Gaming. Posts

Again with the taking content and not posting lol. I demo and play a lot of games, especially ones that are in Early Release with the intention of making content and writing about it. It's just... the posting I struggle with lol! A recent trauma has played a part in that for sure, but I'm trying to push passed it.

I started writing for me, and I started long before I met people who discouraged and put me down about it. I started long before they could even learn to type. My audience does not include them, so why let something so small and insignificant stop me from doing something I love?

People who hate on you for your hobbies and interests when they could never even understand what you do is diabolical and says more about their own lack of hobbies and interests than it does about yours. Creators and creatives don't sit around and bash other creatives, that's what sets us apart from the rest.

| Purge kids outgrown clothes 

My husband found some newborn clothes mixed into our stuff. Not sure how or why they were there, but they were and it made us wonder what else is lurking in the clothing piles lol. I know I have some of Tums older stuff in one of my hampers from the last place, so I plan on going through that this month and purging the stuff that doesn't fit me or the girls anymore.

At 40, I feel the need to purge different areas of my space and my life. I think every 10 to 20 years it's good to take a look at your life and see how far you've come, where you want to go and who you want to be and adjust accordingly.

I miss doing the things I use to do effortlessly, like reading and blogging. Taking amazing product shots and working with companies. However I want to add create my own company to the list of things I've done and accomplished as well. And while my main shop has been down for some years now, I'm not done with it just yet.

So here's to a productive May and achieving the goals I set out for myself at 40.

It's November.

November.

Meaning the year is pretty much over. That is insane. I hate how the holidays are so close together, like there's all this time to prep for Halloween but then it comes to Thanksgiving then Christmas. So when exactly is the window of time to prep for Christmas?! 

I normally start Nov 1st, but with the girls more aware of time, we don't want to confuse them. We have made some moves towards prepping for Christmas but we also still have a long way to go. Hell this post is way later than it usually is. 

I would say that I'm not going to pack my November with an insane amount of goals, but it's November, let's be real. My November's are usually crazy.

 Plus, it's Wicked movie month and this family has already gotten their Wicked wardrobe's together thanks to Bubba. Literally so excited.

| Christmas prep

Obviously. This includes the girl's room and all the TV stands. I really want to get Nutcrackers at the door, but with these kids? Not possible. Sadly. I do plan on having fairy lights literally all over the place. The ones with timers cause fuck electric bills in Texas with its clueless weather. Plus with daylight saving being what it is, and how it takes me forever to adjust to it, I figure this would be a fun way to do that.

Bubba lined the under part of the counter with an LED strip that we keep on at night, it's super pretty.

| Find something to bake

I really want to attempt macarons but that's going to take some time. And maybe a day to myself. I also want to find something to bake with Tums, she's been asking to bake something with me. She's been in such a helpful mood lately, I have no idea how I got so lucky with her. But I'm glad I did. She's an awesome big sister and she definitely makes everything much easier.

The least I can do is find something fun for us to bake on the weekends.

| Find Thanksgiving outfits

I usually just stay home on Thanksgiving and let the girls and Bubba go to his family's. But this year I've been trying to make it a point to be around more. I appreciate everything his family has done for me the last year and all they ever ask is that I share my time with them, esp on the holidays.

Bubba is usually in charge of finding the girls their Thanksgiving outfits. But since we're skipping Disney World this year (me and Tums are very sad about this) I figure it gives more room to spend that money elsewhere, especially for the holidays. 

As for me, I think I already have my outfit.

| Work on Christmas stickers

To be honest, Christmas doesn't really make my list of favorite holidays. So when it comes to designing things for the shop, I typically skip the holiday themed stuff. If anything, I only have Filipino holiday themed products. Only because it helps me feel a little closer to home, I guess. I do need to do a better job of exposing the girls to Filipino holiday traditions, just not sure where to start.

I do plan on working on some Final Fantasy holiday stickers... mostly because I want Final Fantasy holiday stickers for myself lol.

| Work on shop 2

 Shop 2 and I have a very complicated relationship right now. It is doing a great job of highlighting the things I still have yet to learn about everything. And while that is helpful, it's also very... frustrating. As is everything you're learning for the first time. I enjoy learning new things and I actually enjoy the frustration that comes with it.

So far I'm having a lot of fun with putting together Shop 2, it's just when I run out of idea's that I start to feel like an ant who's lost its colony and has no idea where to even go.

| Launch shop 3

Shop 3 is almost ready for launch. Actually, no, no it's not. But I really do want to launch it this month.

| Reorganize closet

This one is gonna take awhile. There's a lot to go through. And while my closet now has more open space, I don't feel it has... space. If that makes sense. I'm trying to find ways to make my stuff easier to find while still looking nice. The bigger problem is that I don't have anywhere to display my Loungefly bags the way this closet is set up. I'll figure out a way, somehow.

| Launch social's for new blog.. launch new blog

Due to some fucked drama that happened earlier this year, I've been finding less and less interest in Facebook and Instagram. I lost interest in IG a few years ago, but this event just made it so much worse. I actually lost access to the hazearella IG account, like, foreal. So there goes 14 years of work and building relationships and networks and... sigh. I take it as a sign that I needed to start over anyway, move on to something else.

I launched social media accounts for this blog elsewhere. On other platforms that encourage more engagement without being filtered.

The recent drama also forced me to start new blogs; I still hold on to this one because there's a lot here to look back on. But I've also launched a new review blog that I want to build, the 2024 way. It's been 10 years since I started hazearella and social media and blogging has changed a lot since then. I'm excited to start this new blog with the changes that the internet has made since starting hazearella.

| Read 3 books... please 

I wasn't able to do my annual October reading challenge this year, and that's fine. I wasn't going to stress myself about it. This year has been Hell. Not as much as 2023 was, but a fraction of it. I'm set on taking the healing process more seriously from now until 2025, the girls deserve to have the best version of me and I deserve to find the control of my emotions again and the joy of the things I love.

With that said, I want to read at least 3 books this month. At least enough to complete my 2024 reading challenge. Without the restriction of sticking to a certain genre. 

| All the recaps

I didn't have very many favorites this year, sadly. But I still want to get a start on getting my recap posts done and catching up on my Yelp, NetGalley and Amazon reviews.

| WATCH WICKED

I watched Wicked for the first time in 2009. Wizard of Oz has always had a special place in my life. Since then I've watched it a total of 14 times across 3 different states. I'm still friends with both the Fiyero's who played in the SF production from 2009-2010. Wicked changed my life for good. And I am so excited for seeing Wicked in a new way. And I love Ariana Grande! I'm so happy she landed the role of Glinda.

I met Bubba 8 years ago, what caught my attention was he was singing Defying Gravity in the voice chat. Since then he's built me a Wizard of Oz and Wicked shrine in every apartment we've had. And as I mentioned earlier, he's built me and both the girls a Wicked wardrobe since Wicked merch has released. 

I actually have not bought one Wicked themed merch since they started coming out. Bubba has bought them all for me. From the makeup to the clothes to the pj's to my Emerald City hairbrush. At this point, I'm about to defy gravity myself.

Oh he also got me cupcake mix where it'll either turn pink or green. I'm super excited to get into those!

Hopefully I can get through most of these this month. Here's to a hopeful chill, cozy and relaxing November.

Do you have any goals for this month?

 Oh wow, it's March already?

Anyone else feel like Feb was both the longest and shortest month? It's kinda weird. A lot happened in Feb which is probably what made it feel so long for me. Thankfully we're one step closer to summer. After that weird random snow storm here in Texas I'm MORE than ready for hot humid weather. Or well, as humid as Texas can get, I guess.

The next couple months are going to (hopefully) be exciting (if nothing gets prematurely cancelled). And I really really need a break from chores, life and the mundane.

I'm also convinced that Texas pissed off someone somewhere because all this bad juju coming to TX is not it. First the snow storm, then people losing power FOR DAYS and clean water. Then now this; them lifting the mandatory mask and now allowing businesses to operate at 100%. Like really? Some people are still trying to recover from the dang snow storm but sure, I guess this is more important. What makes it worse is that TX barely took it seriously to begin with. The amount of Texans I know who GOT covid is unreal. Seriously.

AINT SHIT TO DO OUT HERE, STAY HOME. Dang.

Lemme get into my goals before I go on a full blown rant lol;

October Goals;

Things I hope to get done in August;

So here's to April; my personal restart button.

What are some things you're looking forward to this month?

• Figure out a direction for my blog and social media
• Come up with my [ onelittleword ] for 2018
• Come up with a SHORT list of SPECIFIC additional resolutions for 2018
• Research remote control jobs
• GO TO THE  DAMN DOCTOR
• Upgrade my glasses (or early next year)
• Get back into meditation
• Get back into night time routine yoga
• Get back into Duolingo
• Get back into making healthier eating choices
• (Basically get back into the mentally healthy plan on things I fell off on)
• TIDY THE APARTMENT
• PUT THE SHIT AWAY
• Go into 2018 a little more ORGANIZED and TIDY
• Read as many books as you can
• Take holiday photos
• Figure out what to bake for Christmas Eve

What are some of your goals this month or goals before the year ends?