It's finally Fall.

Though here in Texas, you wouldn't be able to tell. I tend to dwell in states that don't exactly have a Fall, in Fall. But it's okay, because as long as I know in spirit that it's Fall, I'll be good.

I was looking back  at my previous Fall Bucket Lists through out the years and it's kind of cool to see what I had planned in the years before. Wish I had one for every previous year, but I can also see why I didn't. Regardless, looking back at all your previous favorite things is kinda cool.

This year the list is going to be a bit simple, ending up sick the in ER early in October really pressed me for time for the things I wanted to do, but it's fine. Technically Fall is still a thing in November. 

1. Drink a Pumpkin Spice Latte

I refuse to drink the Starbucks in stores one because I'm still mad they ruined my favorite drink a few years ago by changing the recipe. I did try the one at Krispy Kreme recently and liked it. I've also been making my own at home every morning while I make Winnie her pancakes. It's a nice little routine to myself that I've been looking forward to at 6am. 

2. Bake something + make cozy soup

Tums has been asking to bake something with me and as a former pastry chef, I feel like I should. I haven't actually baked anything in forever and it's sad to see how much time has passed since, but I'm excited to share something I loved as a kid with her.

I also want to make my cozy soup -- well not mine, but one my mom made a lot when I was growing up on rainy days. It's one of my more simple ultimate comfort foods and one of the few things my mom makes that I know how to make, I owe it to myself and my inner child to make it more often this cozy season.

3. Go to a Pumpkin Patch

An actual like the ones you'd go to as a field trip in elementary school. I mean we have pumpkin patches here, but I want to go to like a field full of pumpkins just to see the excitement on Winnie's face. She loves pumpkins. I can't come up with any good OOTD outfits for this Fall, I remember when I had a ton of outfits. I wonder where half of them are. Cause I haven't seen anything I like in stores in the last few years.

Aerie use to be my go to, but even they haven't had anything good lately. Their sweats and lounge wear though? Still top notch.

4. Find crunchy leaves

Okay, this one is going to be harder to do I think. It's a bit harder to find crunchy leaves out here in actual Fall. It's a bit easier to find them in Jan and Feb, but I love taking crunchy leaves photos!  I mean, honestly, who doesn't.

5. Read a cozy Fall book

I haven't made my annual Oct TBR post yet, but I've started reading a few titles. Right now I'm sucked into Wayward by Emilia Hart and The Girl with No Reflection by Keshe Chow. As much as I love multiple time lines in books, I hate when I have one character I'd rather know more about and find myself skimming the other pov's just to get back to the one I really want to know about.

TGWNR starts off questionable and a bit creepy. But it's so gripping that I just need to know what the fuckin hell is going on. I don't know why it took me so long to pick this one up -- probably because I forgot I bought it. Books tend to just get buried in my Kindle library.

I still need to finish House of Salt & Sorrow, I was creeped out by the younger sister drawing that disturbing picture but man, it was getting so good. Reading creepy books is the best in the Fall when the days are shorter and I swear the nights are darker.

What are some things this season you want to do or see? I'd love to know in the comments below! 

Being 40 marks the 10 year anniversary of this blog; since then it's gained over 8k views a month even without me posting as regularly as I use to. You guys really search for Bath & Body Works candle reviews and that's great. I love that. I didn't expect that to happen when I started this blog.

Whoever said 40 is the new 20 was a damn liar. 

In terms of understanding yourself, those around you and being more self aware -- those things happen as you age, at least you can hope it happens for some people though I know a lot of people personally who aren't and it's a bit worrying. 

• Everything health wise puts you in the severe category, it's fun. Your health status reminds you that your body is actively planning your downfall 
• Your energy levels are non existent. Or maybe it's just me and my soul, will report back on that later
• You approach preimenopause and it. is. hell. here. literally, the hot flashes and night sweats make you feel like you just came back from hell everyyyy morning
• The brain fog... ooh girllllllll THE BRAIN FOG makes me feel like I'm meeting myself all over again like this is some kind of fucked up 50 First Dates shit. Okay, maybe that's a bit dramatic, but it's pretty annoyingly shitty
• Leaving the house when it's over 85* outside in Texas, is a helllllllllllllllll no because I'm already getting hot flashes so why the fuck would I go out in that
• Your patience is non existent. You freely pop off at people because who cares, people will talk about you anyway so you might as well make it worth it that and like, people really just need to be told to stfu I guess otherwise they won't
• Face sun spots. I see them, everywhere. I use to see them on my dad, ask what was that. Why was his skin like that (he said it was because he popped his pimples also when he was younger), my pores are like, growing and if I hated them in my 20's, I HAAAAAAAATE them now but I see my dad's skin when I look at my own and it's such a bittersweet thing
• Your paranoia is in fuckin overdrive. And it's ridic what it comes up with. I use to do exactly what it told me not to do just to shut it up (in case you were wondering how I ended up working for Disney or you know, jumping states so freely), and I guess I could still do that but maybe it's all other things considered -- health wise -- that I'm not ready to just jump on a plane and tell my brain to fuck itself
• You don't digest food like you use to... and it gets worse the older you get. It's so fun. Eating something that you USUALLY eat and like, either get bubble fuckin guts or you break out in hives. It's a toss up how your safe food will fuck you up as you age

You also get hit with this insane kind of self awareness. Self awareness of the roots and causes of your trauma and how it's probably caused your physical ills. It's a very uncomfortable thing to realize, makes you feel helpless how to help yourself. And sad for not knowing or figuring it out sooner. But I guess it's better than going your whole life unaware and not being able to "fix" it.  

Maybe.

I haven't really figured out the solution, I know I will, it's just going to take some time. 

I am having so much fun with my ChatGPT and I don't ask for personal themed images or prompts too much but I had to for today and I'm so in love with what it came up with!

 And yes, I'm on the Sith side.

I'd go into my fucked up history with May The Fourth but that now feels like a whole lifetime ago, things that no long and will never again apply. Things that were unfair that have no relevance in my life now or in the last 8 years.

What you ask for will not be too much for someone who cares about you and your happiness.

The last 8 years, May The Fourth has been a holiday in this household. Complete with us dressed in Star Wars merch, my husband makes a whole spread of foods and snacks Star Wars themed and we watch a Star Wars movie.

It started with just me and him in 2016, two states apart and haven't even met yet. He had pizza sent to my apartment and bought me 1, 2, and 3 and made a weekend of it. Because he knew how much I loved Star Wars.

And after moving to Texas from Florida, has made it a point to celebrate it with me. We have yet to spend one of these at Disney World but honestly, I enjoy our personal celebration much better than going to the parks.

This is Winn's second May The Fourth and Tum's sixth one.

And yes she knows Star Wars characters and claims she loves Star Wars. Going to Galaxy's Edge with her was definitely something else. She held my hand through Rise of the Resistance and was telling me "mama don't be scared, the drop isn't that bad." as she screamed louder than I did when it happened. She's the sweetest little ride buddy, for sure. She's so compassionate and tries to make me feel safe. It's so cute.

Thank you Bubba, for making today one of my favorite days of the year. I truly truly appreciate the ways you try to change memories. It couldn't had been easy for you, but you make it look so easy.

I can't wait to see what's on the menu for today! 

Do you celebrate May The Fourth?

It's November.

November.

Meaning the year is pretty much over. That is insane. I hate how the holidays are so close together, like there's all this time to prep for Halloween but then it comes to Thanksgiving then Christmas. So when exactly is the window of time to prep for Christmas?! 

I normally start Nov 1st, but with the girls more aware of time, we don't want to confuse them. We have made some moves towards prepping for Christmas but we also still have a long way to go. Hell this post is way later than it usually is. 

I would say that I'm not going to pack my November with an insane amount of goals, but it's November, let's be real. My November's are usually crazy.

 Plus, it's Wicked movie month and this family has already gotten their Wicked wardrobe's together thanks to Bubba. Literally so excited.

| Christmas prep

Obviously. This includes the girl's room and all the TV stands. I really want to get Nutcrackers at the door, but with these kids? Not possible. Sadly. I do plan on having fairy lights literally all over the place. The ones with timers cause fuck electric bills in Texas with its clueless weather. Plus with daylight saving being what it is, and how it takes me forever to adjust to it, I figure this would be a fun way to do that.

Bubba lined the under part of the counter with an LED strip that we keep on at night, it's super pretty.

| Find something to bake

I really want to attempt macarons but that's going to take some time. And maybe a day to myself. I also want to find something to bake with Tums, she's been asking to bake something with me. She's been in such a helpful mood lately, I have no idea how I got so lucky with her. But I'm glad I did. She's an awesome big sister and she definitely makes everything much easier.

The least I can do is find something fun for us to bake on the weekends.

| Find Thanksgiving outfits

I usually just stay home on Thanksgiving and let the girls and Bubba go to his family's. But this year I've been trying to make it a point to be around more. I appreciate everything his family has done for me the last year and all they ever ask is that I share my time with them, esp on the holidays.

Bubba is usually in charge of finding the girls their Thanksgiving outfits. But since we're skipping Disney World this year (me and Tums are very sad about this) I figure it gives more room to spend that money elsewhere, especially for the holidays. 

As for me, I think I already have my outfit.

| Work on Christmas stickers

To be honest, Christmas doesn't really make my list of favorite holidays. So when it comes to designing things for the shop, I typically skip the holiday themed stuff. If anything, I only have Filipino holiday themed products. Only because it helps me feel a little closer to home, I guess. I do need to do a better job of exposing the girls to Filipino holiday traditions, just not sure where to start.

I do plan on working on some Final Fantasy holiday stickers... mostly because I want Final Fantasy holiday stickers for myself lol.

| Work on shop 2

 Shop 2 and I have a very complicated relationship right now. It is doing a great job of highlighting the things I still have yet to learn about everything. And while that is helpful, it's also very... frustrating. As is everything you're learning for the first time. I enjoy learning new things and I actually enjoy the frustration that comes with it.

So far I'm having a lot of fun with putting together Shop 2, it's just when I run out of idea's that I start to feel like an ant who's lost its colony and has no idea where to even go.

| Launch shop 3

Shop 3 is almost ready for launch. Actually, no, no it's not. But I really do want to launch it this month.

| Reorganize closet

This one is gonna take awhile. There's a lot to go through. And while my closet now has more open space, I don't feel it has... space. If that makes sense. I'm trying to find ways to make my stuff easier to find while still looking nice. The bigger problem is that I don't have anywhere to display my Loungefly bags the way this closet is set up. I'll figure out a way, somehow.

| Launch social's for new blog.. launch new blog

Due to some fucked drama that happened earlier this year, I've been finding less and less interest in Facebook and Instagram. I lost interest in IG a few years ago, but this event just made it so much worse. I actually lost access to the hazearella IG account, like, foreal. So there goes 14 years of work and building relationships and networks and... sigh. I take it as a sign that I needed to start over anyway, move on to something else.

I launched social media accounts for this blog elsewhere. On other platforms that encourage more engagement without being filtered.

The recent drama also forced me to start new blogs; I still hold on to this one because there's a lot here to look back on. But I've also launched a new review blog that I want to build, the 2024 way. It's been 10 years since I started hazearella and social media and blogging has changed a lot since then. I'm excited to start this new blog with the changes that the internet has made since starting hazearella.

| Read 3 books... please 

I wasn't able to do my annual October reading challenge this year, and that's fine. I wasn't going to stress myself about it. This year has been Hell. Not as much as 2023 was, but a fraction of it. I'm set on taking the healing process more seriously from now until 2025, the girls deserve to have the best version of me and I deserve to find the control of my emotions again and the joy of the things I love.

With that said, I want to read at least 3 books this month. At least enough to complete my 2024 reading challenge. Without the restriction of sticking to a certain genre. 

| All the recaps

I didn't have very many favorites this year, sadly. But I still want to get a start on getting my recap posts done and catching up on my Yelp, NetGalley and Amazon reviews.

| WATCH WICKED

I watched Wicked for the first time in 2009. Wizard of Oz has always had a special place in my life. Since then I've watched it a total of 14 times across 3 different states. I'm still friends with both the Fiyero's who played in the SF production from 2009-2010. Wicked changed my life for good. And I am so excited for seeing Wicked in a new way. And I love Ariana Grande! I'm so happy she landed the role of Glinda.

I met Bubba 8 years ago, what caught my attention was he was singing Defying Gravity in the voice chat. Since then he's built me a Wizard of Oz and Wicked shrine in every apartment we've had. And as I mentioned earlier, he's built me and both the girls a Wicked wardrobe since Wicked merch has released. 

I actually have not bought one Wicked themed merch since they started coming out. Bubba has bought them all for me. From the makeup to the clothes to the pj's to my Emerald City hairbrush. At this point, I'm about to defy gravity myself.

Oh he also got me cupcake mix where it'll either turn pink or green. I'm super excited to get into those!

Hopefully I can get through most of these this month. Here's to a hopeful chill, cozy and relaxing November.

Do you have any goals for this month?

 I thankfully got to celebrate my birthday like I usually do this year -- at Disney World. It's been a tradition to celebrate my birthday at Disneyland since I was 22. Then on my 25th birthday I started celebrating it at Disney World. I missed it the last 2 years because of... reasons. But now that that reason isn't around anymore, I'm free to celebrating my birthday the way I want.

It felt so good to go home after 2 years of being away. I miss my life in Florida all the time. I miss the weather. I miss my friends. I miss the ability to go to Disney when I want. I miss the little lizards you have to dodge in the Spring when their eggs hatch. I miss the weird Florida wildlife that always confused and surprised me. My life was always busy and exciting when I was in Florida. And it's just the one place I'm ever really truly happy.

Being there with both my girls? Even better. I had the best time. Tums is tall enough to ride things and she sure did spend a lot of the time riding everything she could with her dad. Then taking me on the rides and saying "it's okay mama, don't be scared, I'm here. Here, hold my hand if you get scared." she is literally the best little person in my life.

We were on Test Track (the first time I ever got on it, finally) and during the speed test Tums screams out "OH FUCK" then she screams out "mama don't tell daddy I said thattttt" lol.

Winnie's first flight went amazingly well. She slept the majority of the flight and was so calm. Tums however, would not let anyone sleep. I was getting so mad. Especially since we had to get up at 3 and ended up still missing out flight. Lesson learned, NO MORE 6am FLIGHTS lmao. I'm not going to go into how many times we've delayed ourselves.

Usually if it's just me and Bubba we hit the parks as soon as we get there but since we had the girls, we took day 1 as Disney Springs day. I made a reservation at T-Rex cause I knew Tums would love it. It's the same idea as The Rainforest Cafe but with Dino's. She absolutely loved it and thought the Meteor Shower was so cool. I'm glad. I was a little worried she'd get scared. But she loved pointing out all the baby Dino's with their mama's. We got seated in the Ice Cave. I've only eaten in this area one other time but it's probably my favorite.

If I don't take a pic of the Disney Springs lake, am I really at Disney Springs?! This sight is much more gorg at night. It felt so fuckin good to be home. To stand on this bridge and to see the things that make my soul feel so much lighter and clear. And to run around Disney Springs is always a good time. I miss it so much already.

The next day we had a reservation at Ohana for breakfast; Tums has been into Stitch lately and I thought it would be the perfect chance for her to meet him. There are several other places you can, but I figured this would be the best way. She snatched all the Mickey waffles first of all. And didn't want to take pics with anyone but Pluto lol. I had Winnie dressed as Lilo and Stitch was playing peek a boo with her. It was the cutest thing ever.

As far as the meal, because Winnie is allergic to eggs we had to mention vegan options. They were so amazing with bringing her her own breakfast all you can eat plate with vegan options. They made the whole thing so easy and hassle free. I plan to write about this on my Disney food blog I'm launching later this month.

We also might had ate all of the vegan version of breakfast. The vegan eggs were mf amazing. I loved them. We might had also fought over the vegan cinnamon doughnut they gave her instead of the pineapple coconut bread they usually start you off with. 

Pro tip Winns: If you say "nah I'm good" please believe the rest of us will not hesitate to take it off your hands. SO BE SURE YOU'RE GOOD before you say you are lol.

2023 was a lot like 2022 -- full of shit.

I got into drama with the same people and the same shit happened. It was like the  same damn repeat. Throw in giving birth, postpartum, Tums moving out, almost dying -- literally, and being dragged down a hallway by someone you spent your whole life saying was the most important person in your life.

I was angry, a lot.

And the girls deserve a mom who isn't always angry. Who isn't always in a bad mood. And it's crazy how we allow one person to have that much power to make us angry. It shouldn't be that way. Just like you shouldn't put your happiness in someone else's hands, you shouldn't put any mf emotions in another mf's hands. They're not you. They're not living YOUR life. They don't have to endure you and your mind and your life every single day. But you do. Your emotions should always be yours to control.

A lot more bad happened than good and it was awful kind of bad.

Cozy gaming is finally a thing and I am here for it! I've always been a casual gamer and people will/use to say that females or casual gamers weren't gamers. Cozy gaming was my go to after working 7 days a week. I'd often fall asleep playing Animal Crossing New Leaf or Sudoku or a game called... omg I don't remember but it was a chill easy puzzle like game with super soothing music. It often put me to sleep.

I spent a lot of time playing cozy games on the Nintendo DS and the Nintendo 3DS, I wish I had brought most of my collection with me when I moved but sadly they're still sitting on my childhood room. I'll get them some day.

Over the years I've realized I'm a sucker for MMORPG's, cute RPG's and most farming sim games. Having to narrow this down to my top 3 favorite cozy games is pretty hard but if you're into gaming content and blog posts I do have a gaming blog here.

My 3 Favorite Cozy Games of All Time;

I have been super slacking on updating this blog! I keep telling myself I'll re-brand it but I just don't know exactly what I'm doing at the moment... so until I do, I'll just keep winging it I guess lol.

2022 was a mess of things. Like a huge mess of things and while I don't have faith that 2023 will be any better or easier; the most I can do is hope I go in a direction that will bring me some kind of contentment.

I don't have any resolutions for 2023, I didn't have time or energy or the mind space to come up with any. And I think I'm okay with that, for once. Whatever happens, happens. Whatever comes, comes. Whatever goes, goes.

I did however come up with a #onelittleword because.. well, I kinda have to. It helps me keep myself accountable and helps me to focus on the area's in my life and in myself that still need work.

With that said, my word for 2023;

★゜・。𝙱𝙾𝚄𝙽𝙳𝙰𝚁𝙸𝙴𝚂 。・゜☆

Mental Health & Gaming: pixiedustwords.com
Foodie: herloveforfood.co
Gaming: gamearella.com
Small Biz: pixiepinayco.com/blog

 Wow, I thought I had posted this here... but I guess I didn't. Whoops. That's a first of missing it. 

2021 was better than 2020 for sure. 

I got to see my BFF and spend my birthday with her at Disney World after not seeing her for 15 years. I also got to see my girl Alexis and it was our 10 year anniversary since our Disney College Program. It was so nice to see them both. I also got to go back in November for Christmas time stuff as well as hit Universal Studios where I met up with my friend Angely. She's so fun to be around! I'm glad I was able to see her!

The end of 2021 was unexpected for lack of better word. I opened up my shop and it did really well the first and second month. I mean it did pretty well all the rest of the year but the sales I made exceeded what I thought would happen. I'm thankful for the sales and the learning process that it took to launch my shop. It's been fun learning... well... everything. And having another outlet to express myself.

I got to spend more time with my Kuya Dru despite his crazy work schedule. Me and this dude have a crazy friendship history that spans all the way back to when we were 14 and freshmen in high school. I'm absolutely thankful for all these years of friendship (23 years of having to deal with my bullshit... and it's been a lot of bullshit) and having his guidance and company.

This year I want to focus more on balance.

Which is something I've struggled with especially since giving birth. I'm thankful for the ways I learned how to create balance between being a mother to a very active toddler and balancing a whole ass business. I lost a lot of sleep... but it was def worth it.

I want to focus more on balancing the things I want out of life and making them happen. 2021 showed me I'm capable of the things I know I'm capable of... I just have to want it and manifest it and keep my vision clear and unclouded -- that's the hard part.

Here's to 2022 and working more on myself and creating the life I want.

Did you pick a word for 2022? I'd love to know if you did in the comments below!

 It's so surreal that Tums turned 3.

I feel like I just gave birth to her! Well... kind of. She said she wanted to go to  Chuck E Cheese and the playground of her birthday. So that's what we did.

Honestly, they have one of the best salad bars. Ever. I use to go to Chuck E Cheese every week just for their salad bar back in the day. I haven't had this in years. It was so yum!

Last year I wrote about the Things I'm Leaving in 2020 and I thought it would be kind of fun to do this again. I know it's a bit similar to intentions and goals but I feel like you can never throw your intentions into the universe too much. There are going to be a few repeat's on this list but we'll see how many times I gotta this ish down before I get it through my thick ass skull. Shadow work. Leggo.

| Not making my health a priority

I really had so many intentions on fixing this one and while I sometimes managed to get back on track, I'd also fall off just as fast. Living in TX is really challenging for this one, I mean it doesn't HAVE to be but I'm def struggling with it especially when it comes to eating better. I truly believe that the things you eat, the entertainment you consume and the amount of physical activity you're into all have something heavy to do with your mental health.

Speaking of mental health, I'm leaving behind the fear or laziness of doing Shadow Work. Of being my own source of therapy. Of avoiding my own therapeutic hobbies because ya girl needs to reconnect with herself. I feel like I lost touch of myself after I gave birth two years ago, I've low key been too scared to examine that so I just haven't. But I need to, cause if I don't, how will I know where my direction is?

My health -- all aspects of it -- should be my highest priority.

| Hoarding

I literally don't even want to talk about this endless life long struggle. It all started as a kid. And I haven't been able to fix it because it also triggers anxiety. I low key hate finding favorite things/foods/products because if the shit ends up discontinued I get super sad. I mean, isn't that suppose to be the fun of discovering favorite new stuff? Idk, it's weird.

I get buying back ups of things that I use daily. Like cleaning supplies. Or like, hygiene stuff. But there other stuff like snacks, makeup... yeah, that habit has got to go. Especially when it comes to makeup, while I did enjoy collecting makeup once upon a time... we're not in the fairy tale forest anymore. And Tums likes to just WRECK my makeup. She doesn't know any better, I remember what it was like as a kid and fuckin up my mom's makeup just to "see what would happen". So I really can't blame her. But I also shouldn't have makeup that I have no intention to use either??? I get being in that mindset when I was younger but now that I'm older with a kid, it really puts things into perspective. 

| Selling myself short

Another life long struggle of mine. If there's anything 2021 has proved to me it's that even if I feel out of touch with myself, it hasn't changed my drive to create or better myself. It's harder to see these things in yourself, but my friends have been constantly reminding me this year that I can do everything I want and that I make things happen.

I need to leave behind the ideal that I "can't" do something. Tums has started saying she can't do something when I know she can. I need to start believing in myself the way my friends and Tums do, because I know I CAN be capable of so much but I spent this year telling myself I wasn't. And while 2021 turned out better than I expected, I did carry a lot of self doubt. Imagine if I hadn't.

I'm not saying I'm going to walk around thinking I'm the shit at everything, but def at least the things I KNOW I'm the shit at. Or at least ditch the idea of self doubt when it comes to a project or a job.  

| Avoiding rest

I tend to work nonstop, I don't know how to take a break or to rest. And within the last year I have even stopped taking my daily bubble baths just because I just don't feel like I have the time anymore to take them. I have stopped everything that was used as a hobby of rest. The only days I have to even sleep in are Sundays, so that's what I do. But even then, the rest of Sunday is spent catching up on things or doing laundry and cleaning the whole apartment while there's no one there to bother me.

I know this one is going to be hard to fix; But I really want to make rest a priority, I guess it goes hand in hand with keeping my health also a priority. 

| Avoiding conflict

I recently found out this is a trauma response. I like to think I've learned how to pick my battles. But I know there are some situations where I need to say my shit. And I still don't. I almost physically can't and I use to be SO good at starting conflict so how did this happen? Who hurt me? Oh, right, my narc ex who would gaslight me in circles and make me feel like I was losing my mind for trying to stand up for myself. And if that wasn't enough, when he ran out of fake reasons he resulted to physical abuse.

I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to undo this since it's one of those things that are kind of just lodged in your brain and when the chance to participate in conflict comes up, your brain just stops. I'm trying to be better at standing my ground again, but the times when I really need to, I still struggle with it.

I do make it known my boundaries are solid. And even that can get arguments started, but it's a start in standing up for myself.

Never thought I'd miss being the reckless angry kid who just burned bridges for fun.  

| Using shopping as a stress reliever 

This is one of my favorite toxic traits. I know, that sounds freakin horrible, but it's true! My dad use to tell me that I either need to control my spending or marry someone who makes enough money to support my insane spending. I was like 21 at the time. Not much as changed since then.

I don't shop as much any more. Mostly since I lost all my high limit cards, but I still need to be more mindful of the things I buy and no just go crazy since I have the money to. I did pretty well about it in 2021, until I lost Sophie. Then I just went on a weird shopping rampage, as if that was going to make me feel better.

I need to find/adapt healthier ways to ease stress, for sure.

| Keeping up with people who don't matter

Guilty pleasure right here.

It's definitely not as bad as it use to be. I don't find much time to check up on people who aren't in my life any more. Low key thankful I'm that busy now to not find time for it. But in the dark moments when I allow my darkness to just run with shit I find myself doing just that.

And honestly, there's no good reason to even spend my energy and mind space on things that won't move my life and goals forward. They're not in my life for a reason and that is totally fine. That happens. We out grow people. We change, so our circle will eventually change. That's just life. There's no epic reason to why sometimes we fall out of touch with some people and there's sometimes not epic reason to why these things just happen.

Despite knowing this, I still play the did I do something wrong complex when I really shouldn't. And even if I did and they decided to just ghost me instead of talk it out? Then whatever. Why should I care. We fight for the relationships in our lives we want to keep and if someone doesn't find value in a relationship with you, then they don't. There's 7 billion people in this world. Like???

I really need to spend that time (no matter how little time that is) improving myself and my life.

What are some things you're leaving in 2021?

No idea why I waited this long to start doing recap posts but here we are lol! I know it's way late but I'm still going to recap November since a lot seemed to happen... 

READ

I didn't finish my October Reading Challenge this year and I'm low key upset about that but it is what it is; reading now a days is a lot harder with a clingy toddler to watch/take care of and a whole business to run. I did manage to finish one book but I kinda hated it so.

SAW

I don't think I watched anything different this month? I can't remember if I watched Hamilton in October or November but that was the most recent new thing I've watched and I AM OBSESSED. No joke.

DID

I went back to dying my hair teal again; I love it. It makes me feel like me so much!

I've been loving the new update for Animal Crossing: New Horizon. I managed to get on a shooting star island from Kappa. THAT was freakin cool. I see all these crazy Happy Home Designer houses on Instagram and I'm like just how. I'm so off my designing game. Speaking of games, I also resubbed to FFXIV to prep for the new expansion but didn't end up finding time to catch up.

I also got my first tarot card deck! Casey has been trying to help me understand it more but it's been awesome being able to do my own reading. I like to ask a lot of questions lol.

I managed to spend some of my time in Orlando for the holidays! I'm so so glad I was able to go home! I'm disappointed Magic Kingdom had less Christmas stuff and more 50th Anniversary stuff. I mean, I get it, I do, but like come on?! I also got to go to Universal for the first time and it was so epic! I loved it! I got to see my friend Angely as well who I haven't seen in years. It was so nice to catch up with her and see her play with Tums. Which Tums was not about her at first but she softened her up with Honey Buns and food. She's def my kid lol.

I went back to certain places to change memories. It was crazy going back to those places and realizing how much time has passed. How much I've changed since then. 

No one really knows the significance of this stair case or this resort but it was def one memory I wanted to change while I was there. And I feel so much better now that I have.

I also spent a lot of time talking to my BFF's Audrey and Dru this month. Audrey finished her flight attendant training and I'm so so proud of her! And Dru is still... Dru lol. They both have crazy work schedules which is fine cause I have a crazy sleeping schedule. So it works out lol. I miss them both though and I really want to go home to see them!

I also started having hang out/Target dates with my friend Casey. Like, the only friend I have here in this area of Texas. And it's been fun! She's so chill and laid back and we both love Target lol. So it works. 

It’s crazy to think we’re almost at the end of the year. Or that the last time I blogged was in June. Things have been crazy the last few months — but in a really good way!

Over the years I’ve attempted many shop and business ideas; some that I still miss and hope to incorporate into the business I decided to start this year.

And over the years this blog has seen me change and grow and deal with some pretty hard and tough things. And I really hope to continue to document my journey for a long time here.

In 2015 I wanted to start a candle Etsy business. I had set up all the social media for it but I was in a place where the person I was around didn’t exactly encourage my dream of opening a shop — stating that it would be “a waste of money” (wish I could tell him how successful my current shop is now). So I tucked that dream away until pretty much April of 2021.

I posted a 6 things I learned at 36 blog post on my mental health blog so I won't recap that here. But I will talk about being 36.

I always thought that I'd have my life pretty much figured out at 25. I had all these goals and plans and I was so set on achieving them and worked really really hard. But they just didn't happen. And that's when I realized that just because you plan for something and want something doesn't ALWAYS mean you'll get it. To trust the universe when it tells you this isn't your path. Because it usually leads to bigger and better things.

My life didn't actually start until I was 30. I did achieve my ultimate dream of working for Disney at 26 but beyond that, most of my LIFE LIFE didn't start until I was 30 and able to be by myself.

I got to spend my 36th birthday at my favorite place: Disney World. It's also the 10 year anniversary since my first Disney College Program. My BFF flew from CA to FL just to spend the weekend with us and finally meet her goddaughter and I got to spend the whole weekend laughing so hard I damn near almost lost my voice. It had been 13 years since I last saw her, it was so good to see her again.

I got to see a few of my favorite Floridians and I'm so thankful I was able to. I miss everyone so much. I miss the Disney life. I miss Florida and the humidity. I miss feeling like I belong and I'm welcomed somewhere. I say this all the time -- TX isn't my home and probably will never be viewed as "home". There's too much negativity and too little here that stimulates me. I'm never bored, ever. But TX is boring and that's pretty... sad.

I'm inching closer to 40 so I need to get my goals locked in.

In my 36th year I hope to;

2020 has definitely been a year of slow living and for most of us reflecting. It's definitely put a lot of things in my life in perspective. The things I've been doing to myself that were toxic and the things I've held on to that have also been toxic for me and my well being.

It's never really easy to admit that something you're close to is not good for you and it's hard to come to the terms to let those things you're so use to go. But while I'm letting things go and leaving them in 2020 I can hope that that means I'm making room for better more beneficial things in 2021.

On with the show;

When I was 16 I went through my first major break up and at the time it was devastating as I guess every first break up is; but my ass took it way too hard. I stopped going to school. I was too depressed to do anything, even get out of bed. I just couldn't understand why I wasn't enough (so glad I got over this set back in my 30's). And after we broke up my ex gave me the coldest shoulder. I mean, ok, I was a little psycho back then with no remorse but still! This dude hurt me. It's been almost 20 years and he still won't talk to me lmao!

During that time I did my first self reflection. Learned about rebuilding myself and knowing myself better. I rented a ton of movies that I still watch every winter. I got more serious about blogging every single day... literally. Back when Xanga and LiveJournal ruled the blogging world. I learned to love myself regardless of what he or anyone else thought about me.

So this time of year reminds me of the sadness I endured but also the obsession with rebuilding and getting to know myself.

Movies

| Serendipity

It also made me super obsessed with trying Serendipity (a very real place in NYC). My mom actually went and tried it FOR me, brought me back some Hot Chocolate mixes and a cookbook! In 2009 when I got married in Vegas I finally got to try it and OMG their Frozen Hot Chocolate? AMAZING. I love it. I'm sad to hear they closed down the Vegas location. I went every year for my birthday after that!

| Bring it On

I mean, I don't think I need to say much about why I love Bring it On. But this is definitely one of my favorite parts lmao. I still think they shoulda beat they asses!

| Next Friday

Well, here go my ghetto showing. My brother got tired of hearing me watch sappy rom-com's so he made me sit down and watch Next Friday. I can't remember if we were high at the time or not but I do remember I could NOT stop laughing. Even when I watch it now (also 19 years later) I still crack up at the same parts.

DaeDae and Baby D always got me rolling. How he talks about how she got them bootleg snacks. My cousin use to throw that scene at me every time I got excited about snacks lmao.

Reads

These have nothing to do with being 16 or my first breakup lol. I was a serious book buchlogger in 2009 up until I did my Disney College Program in 2011. Working 16hrs a day gave me no time to read. Let alone sleep. But in those years I found a lot of favorites.

I miss my book blogging days because I'd come across so many awesome reads. I miss the feeling of falling in love with a book. There's only one book I try to read every year (which has now become a Netflix original)! The rest are books I'm hoping to get to this December!

| Dash and Lily's Book of Dares by Rachel Cohn & David Levithan

I honestly had ZERO idea what I was getting into when I picked this one up. I don't think I got this for review, but I did get the second one for review.

I fell in love with both Dash and Lily; mostly Lily. I loved the idea of "meeting someone" in a book store. And the secrecy of who they were was really cute. I haven't watched the show yet but I plan to, hopefully BEFORE Christmas.

ON MY TBR

| In a Holidaze by Christina Lauren

I read Hazel & Josh's Guide to Not Dating a year or two ago? And absolutely loved it! I admit I haven't picked up any of this author's reads since then but there was no way I was going to pass this one up! It's currently what I'm reading/listening to on audiobook. Thanks Scribd!

| The Twelve Days of Dash and Lily by Rachel Cohn & David Levithan

I haven't finished reading this series, I'm not really sure why besides the last few years have been really bad in terms of reading. I'm trying my best to do a better job of playing catch up but Dec has made it a bit difficult.

| A Wild Winter Swan by Gregory Maguire

I have this unrealistic expectation of Gregory Maguire books; I know I'll love them, but this is like, the highest fantasy I've ever read and I tend to get confused or you know, the book is just so damn thick it's intimidating. I'm doing this one on audio (yes thanks to Scribd) as well and the first chapter was in a whole different language??

| Love Your Life by Sophie Kinsella

I'm not even going to express my love for Sophie's work. I wasn't a big fan of Confessions of a Shopaholic which is weird since I love me some good retail therapy but I did fall in love with I've Got Your Number. 

Winter is my favorite time of year to just stay in bed and bundle up watching movies or reading books. I wish I had a reading chair, maybe that's something I'll look into for 2021!

2020 hasn't been the jam for most people; I guess this is our version of The Great Depression. I've been away from home since 2013. That's the last Christmas I spent with my family and the last time I saw my dad. I was really hoping to go home for the holidays this year, be around family. Because in the light of losing my dad I realize just how important your own family and support system is. My friends and my cousins have always without judgement or question had my back since day 1. And I'm so lucky to know some of these friends for 30-something years. Nothing compares to them, that, or our bond. 

And with people trying to step in claiming they're my support system when they don't or don't even care to get to know me; it's really put a lot of things in perspective. But toxic narcs will always be toxic narcs and that's fine. I'm 100% fine sitting here with my girls, my snacks and my movies.

What are some of your favorite movies or reads for winter?

Complete my October Reading Challenge

Bake

Play with dark looks

Review Fall snacks

Take Fall inspired pictures

Vote

Tidy & Purge before setting up for Christmas