Life | 2023, you won't be missed

Sunday, January 7, 2024


2023 was a lot like 2022 -- full of shit.

I got into drama with the same people and the same shit happened. It was like the  same damn repeat. Throw in giving birth, postpartum, Tums moving out, almost dying -- literally, and being dragged down a hallway by someone you spent your whole life saying was the most important person in your life.

I was angry, a lot.

And the girls deserve a mom who isn't always angry. Who isn't always in a bad mood. And it's crazy how we allow one person to have that much power to make us angry. It shouldn't be that way. Just like you shouldn't put your happiness in someone else's hands, you shouldn't put any mf emotions in another mf's hands. They're not you. They're not living YOUR life. They don't have to endure you and your mind and your life every single day. But you do. Your emotions should always be yours to control.

A lot more bad happened than good and it was awful kind of bad.

Having to start the year enduring a pregnancy I didn't want and a baby daddy who really wasn't helpful and did nothing but piss me off and stress me out; I'm surprised the baby didn't just fall out early from how fcukin stressed I was every single day and the idea of having to be stuck with this dumbass was even worse. I originally was going to hand her to her dad and relinquish my rights because that's how bad he pissed me off, he kept saying he didn't want to parent her without me making it sound like the only reason why he even wanted her was because he thought it meant keeping me around but decided that I wanted to keep her and that it was my right to. He apparently didn't like this idea, despite what he says. He did nothing to help prepare for the baby other than buy her clothes which was a fight in its own and swear him and his family had "everything ready for her" yet they absolutely did not. 

If it weren't for my husband the baby wouldn't have had shit when she got here. Literally he stocked up on diapers, got her a crib, a bathtub, all the things that are needed when you have a baby. He was also the one who insisted I go to the hospital that morning when I woke up with what I thought were cramps. I ended up being 6cm dilated at that point. Everything happened faster than I felt comfortable with. But I guess that's just how labor goes.

The postpartum... well it's still going. It includes a lot of anger, rage and resentment. And that's all I'm going to say. Towards her dad, not her.

Winnie however is the most chill and happiest baby. She's adorable af. And she's loved by everyone here. My in laws love her. Her sister loves her. Her (step) dad loves her. I love her. And I'm glad she's here. She was the highlight of my 2023. 

A month after she was born, I ended up having to be rushed to the hospital. I called 911 at around 2am unable to breathe. I had felt like I was poisoned -- and I was. It took the ambulance 23 minutes to get to me and it felt like forever. I felt like I was dying, like my body was shutting down. I remember screaming I didn't want to die. And the operator kept telling me to breathe. Winnie was crying and Tums was not waking up through any of this. That girls sleeps like a log, I swear. I texted my mother in law saying "help, poisoned" and by then I started losing my eyesight so I couldn't text. I couldn't even buzz the ambulance in. My MIL however dropped everything and rushed over. By the time she and the medics got here (Tums had to open the door because I could NOT walk, at all), I had lost a bit of my memory. I was covered in sweat. I felt like I didn't belong in my body. I couldn't remember the password to my phone. I couldn't remember what year it was. When my kids were born. I couldn't remember my own birthday. I couldn't remember my phone number, my address and I for the life of me couldn't remember who the president was. It was unsettling. It was like this until maybe 3 hours after I GOT to the hospital.

They couldn't figure out what was wrong with me... I was in the hospital for 3 days and endured a shit ton of scans, tests, room changes, medicines... I kept having chills at night and I was dizzy that I couldn't make it to the bathroom on my own. It turns out I had E. Coli poisoning. And it took me another week or two after being released to even start feeling like myself again.

That was fcukin horrible.

And the year just went downhill from there...

Ended up kicking my husband out again along with Tums and she ended up staying with her dad since he enrolled her into a school across town without my consent. Filed for divorce again. Took a last min trip home to California that I absolutely regret and I knew I shouldn't had gone to even begin with but mf's can't take no for an answer.

The CA trip was a bit of a turning point for me. A hard one. Between being hit with trauma and having to deal with how I felt about that shitty ass place, not being able to see my dad's graveyard the whole week I was there, having to deal with CA shit ass weather and prices, being stuck at my baby daddy's parents house, finding out he was lying about shit which resulted in a fight that caused him to put his hands on me and drag me down the hallway in front of Winnie.

Took a Disneyland trip cause he promised me as his bribe to even agree to go to CA and it was the dumbest, most unmagical fuckin experience I've ever had at Disneyland. I'm still mad about it. Not to mention it was Winnie's first trip to Disneyland and I desperately want a redo. 

Since then realizing what kind of person my baby daddy who I've known since I was freaking 14 has been.. disappointing. I don't want him anywhere near me ever tf again. Not physically. Not in my phone. Not anything. This dude is a psychotic ass liar, manipulator and is delulu af. I'm (along with a lot of my friends who have also known him just as long) flabbergasted that this is who he is. I didn't see this shit coming at all and I'm so upset that he somehow managed to get me pregnant, ruin my life and left me to be a single mom.

Thankfully my ex husband, his family and our oldest daughter won't let me go without reminding me they're here for me and that if I ever need anything to just ask. Adjusting to being a single mother most days is really hard. And I'm thankful for the help I do get, even if it's once or twice a month.

I'm setting harder more non negotiable boundaries in 2024.  I'm choosing my mental health and myself MORE in 2024 even if that means looking like a total bitch. I'm done playing nice. I'm done doing things I really don't want to do. The people who care about me understand why I'm bitter and why I am the way I am, period. Without looking at me different, without shaming me, without making me feel worse. And the people who do make me feel bad are not my people. And they can see themselves tf out of my life.

Here's to a better 2024, I'll make sure of it.

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