Life | Things I'm Leaving in 2020

Thursday, December 31, 2020

2020 has definitely been a year of slow living and for most of us reflecting. It's definitely put a lot of things in my life in perspective. The things I've been doing to myself that were toxic and the things I've held on to that have also been toxic for me and my well being.

It's never really easy to admit that something you're close to is not good for you and it's hard to come to the terms to let those things you're so use to go. But while I'm letting things go and leaving them in 2020 I can hope that that means I'm making room for better more beneficial things in 2021.

On with the show;

I know it's been years since I've worked at The Tree of Life at Disney's Animal Kingdom... I think I was working there when I first created this blog actually! But every time I do a jump cut on any blog that's literally what's going through my mind. 

That one line Flick uses to signal the start of the show.

Man I miss my job.

Also I go into a more detailed version of this list on this blog if you're into it but I figured recapping it here wouldn't hurt either... yeah I have no idea what I'm doing with these blogs but hazearella is going to have a bit of a make over in 2021.

| Feeling Inadequate

Technology, blogging and social media changes almost daily. Blogging today is a million times different than what it was even 5 years ago. There are different apps, different sites, different places and ways to communicate. And trying to keep track of it all is hard. Even just trying to keep up with Instagram's algorithm can be a pain.

I'm one of those people who get stuck in the past a lot. I don't mind change but sometimes I find myself resisting it as well. And this is one of the things I need to learn to not resist. Is learning the change in social media and marketing. I'm only hindering myself by doing this!

So in 2021 I want be spend more time learning the things I don't know (especially SEO and Procreate). I have 2 months to venture around SkillShare and I have a ton of classes bookmarked!

| Keeping Toxic Relationships

I'm a pretty forgiving person overall. I use to be this angry person who went around burning bridges with bitches for fun. Literally, all the time. And at some point I realized being this angry bitch was a huge weight on my soul and I was only hurting myself by putting myself in those situations... willingly! So I tried to chill tf out.

Don't get me wrong, I'm a 100% Aries so my temper isn't going anywhere. But I have better control over how I react to things and I've learned that I don't have to show up to every battle -- sometimes not responding is just as loud as "fighting back".

With that said I tend to keep friendships that aren't very beneficial to me around because of the people they were. People change, constantly. I know I do. And the person I was close to 5 or even 1 year ago might not be the person they are today. And yeah, it sucks. It always sucks when that's the case but it's life and it's reality and there's nothing wrong with it.

We out grow people and they out grow us. And me holding on to these friendships that aren't the same isn't doing me any favors.

I refuse to reach out to people who don't bother reaching out to me and who make it hard for me to continue being friends with. I have too many amazing people in my life to worry about the ones who clearly don't want me in theirs.

| Fear

My first marriage taught me A LOT about facing my fears. And I'll let you in on something, no matter how many times you do it. No matter how many fears you face. Sometimes you'll have to re-face them and sometimes they're harder to beat the second or third time around.

I've found myself back in that hole I hate. Where I'm too scared to go somewhere alone. Where I'm too scared to be alone. And I don't care what anyone says, that's not okay. I do not live my life depending on other people and I will not start now. It doesn't help I'm not exactly "allowed" to have friends in Texas so I have no one here but my cat and Tums. I have no family in this boring ass state. I'm all the fuck alone. So yes, it's easy to be afraid.

In Florida I felt protected by the Disney bubble. I had friends, everywhere. I had freedom and my own life.

I have to find a way to kick the idea of fear. Like idk getting on a plane by myself again. Or something! I want to go back to being that girl who took chances and didn't look back. Cause if 2020 taught me anything it's that waiting only equals regret.

| Shopping to deal with stress

I hate this about myself, not going to lie. When I overly stress a lot of things get triggered and it's annoying af. And my first instinct is to shop. Sometimes I don't even know I'm doing it. No joke. It's so weird and a little worrying. There's a ton of other things to do then shop. Meditate. Draw. Write. Read. All things I should be doing more anyway.

Afterpay doesn't make this goal any easier lol but really; shopping isn't helping anyone in the end. 

What are some things you're hoping to leave behind in 2020?

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