There are a number of things that I look forward to when all the Fall & Halloween collections start rolling out and Lush is one of them.

Over the years the collection has had some slight variations but the pumpkin crumble bubble bars and the ghostie bath bombs come back. 

This year they had a hollow pumpkin bath bomb that doubles as a tea light holder! I'm not sure how exactly that's suppose to work but you're suppose to put a tea light IN the pumpkin and after the tea light goes out you put the pumpkin in the bath...?

Don't worry, it's not an aff link, but ya'll need to see this.

 I don't know, I didn't grab one but I'm seeing this has become a trend of theirs in 2025, for sure. Weeiiirrrd concept. Since I no longer have a bathtub in my bathroom, I couldn't enjoy any of the bath bombs this time around, or the bubble bars, though I could had made the bubble bars work if I wanted to. Maybe treat the bath bombs like shower bombs? That seems like a bit of a reach though and it may dye my shower.

I did pick up a Pumpkin Spice Latte body wash (it has glitter) and a Snow Fairy body lotion because come on, once Snow Fairy hits shelves, I HAVE to pick it up. It's a must. I still miss the Snowcake soap they use to have, I can't believe they got rid of it.

Lush during Fall is one of the best things to see. All the pops of oranges and black. The vibe in there being extra cozy and all the delicious smelling soaps on display. It's definitely one of my favorite times of the year when walking into a Lush!

What are some things you typically pick up from Lush during this time of the year, or want to pick up? 

It's finally Fall.

Though here in Texas, you wouldn't be able to tell. I tend to dwell in states that don't exactly have a Fall, in Fall. But it's okay, because as long as I know in spirit that it's Fall, I'll be good.

I was looking back  at my previous Fall Bucket Lists through out the years and it's kind of cool to see what I had planned in the years before. Wish I had one for every previous year, but I can also see why I didn't. Regardless, looking back at all your previous favorite things is kinda cool.

This year the list is going to be a bit simple, ending up sick the in ER early in October really pressed me for time for the things I wanted to do, but it's fine. Technically Fall is still a thing in November. 

1. Drink a Pumpkin Spice Latte

I refuse to drink the Starbucks in stores one because I'm still mad they ruined my favorite drink a few years ago by changing the recipe. I did try the one at Krispy Kreme recently and liked it. I've also been making my own at home every morning while I make Winnie her pancakes. It's a nice little routine to myself that I've been looking forward to at 6am. 

2. Bake something + make cozy soup

Tums has been asking to bake something with me and as a former pastry chef, I feel like I should. I haven't actually baked anything in forever and it's sad to see how much time has passed since, but I'm excited to share something I loved as a kid with her.

I also want to make my cozy soup -- well not mine, but one my mom made a lot when I was growing up on rainy days. It's one of my more simple ultimate comfort foods and one of the few things my mom makes that I know how to make, I owe it to myself and my inner child to make it more often this cozy season.

3. Go to a Pumpkin Patch

An actual like the ones you'd go to as a field trip in elementary school. I mean we have pumpkin patches here, but I want to go to like a field full of pumpkins just to see the excitement on Winnie's face. She loves pumpkins. I can't come up with any good OOTD outfits for this Fall, I remember when I had a ton of outfits. I wonder where half of them are. Cause I haven't seen anything I like in stores in the last few years.

Aerie use to be my go to, but even they haven't had anything good lately. Their sweats and lounge wear though? Still top notch.

4. Find crunchy leaves

Okay, this one is going to be harder to do I think. It's a bit harder to find crunchy leaves out here in actual Fall. It's a bit easier to find them in Jan and Feb, but I love taking crunchy leaves photos!  I mean, honestly, who doesn't.

5. Read a cozy Fall book

I haven't made my annual Oct TBR post yet, but I've started reading a few titles. Right now I'm sucked into Wayward by Emilia Hart and The Girl with No Reflection by Keshe Chow. As much as I love multiple time lines in books, I hate when I have one character I'd rather know more about and find myself skimming the other pov's just to get back to the one I really want to know about.

TGWNR starts off questionable and a bit creepy. But it's so gripping that I just need to know what the fuckin hell is going on. I don't know why it took me so long to pick this one up -- probably because I forgot I bought it. Books tend to just get buried in my Kindle library.

I still need to finish House of Salt & Sorrow, I was creeped out by the younger sister drawing that disturbing picture but man, it was getting so good. Reading creepy books is the best in the Fall when the days are shorter and I swear the nights are darker.

What are some things this season you want to do or see? I'd love to know in the comments below! 

Being 40 marks the 10 year anniversary of this blog; since then it's gained over 8k views a month even without me posting as regularly as I use to. You guys really search for Bath & Body Works candle reviews and that's great. I love that. I didn't expect that to happen when I started this blog.

Whoever said 40 is the new 20 was a damn liar. 

In terms of understanding yourself, those around you and being more self aware -- those things happen as you age, at least you can hope it happens for some people though I know a lot of people personally who aren't and it's a bit worrying. 

• Everything health wise puts you in the severe category, it's fun. Your health status reminds you that your body is actively planning your downfall 
• Your energy levels are non existent. Or maybe it's just me and my soul, will report back on that later
• You approach preimenopause and it. is. hell. here. literally, the hot flashes and night sweats make you feel like you just came back from hell everyyyy morning
• The brain fog... ooh girllllllll THE BRAIN FOG makes me feel like I'm meeting myself all over again like this is some kind of fucked up 50 First Dates shit. Okay, maybe that's a bit dramatic, but it's pretty annoyingly shitty
• Leaving the house when it's over 85* outside in Texas, is a helllllllllllllllll no because I'm already getting hot flashes so why the fuck would I go out in that
• Your patience is non existent. You freely pop off at people because who cares, people will talk about you anyway so you might as well make it worth it that and like, people really just need to be told to stfu I guess otherwise they won't
• Face sun spots. I see them, everywhere. I use to see them on my dad, ask what was that. Why was his skin like that (he said it was because he popped his pimples also when he was younger), my pores are like, growing and if I hated them in my 20's, I HAAAAAAAATE them now but I see my dad's skin when I look at my own and it's such a bittersweet thing
• Your paranoia is in fuckin overdrive. And it's ridic what it comes up with. I use to do exactly what it told me not to do just to shut it up (in case you were wondering how I ended up working for Disney or you know, jumping states so freely), and I guess I could still do that but maybe it's all other things considered -- health wise -- that I'm not ready to just jump on a plane and tell my brain to fuck itself
• You don't digest food like you use to... and it gets worse the older you get. It's so fun. Eating something that you USUALLY eat and like, either get bubble fuckin guts or you break out in hives. It's a toss up how your safe food will fuck you up as you age

You also get hit with this insane kind of self awareness. Self awareness of the roots and causes of your trauma and how it's probably caused your physical ills. It's a very uncomfortable thing to realize, makes you feel helpless how to help yourself. And sad for not knowing or figuring it out sooner. But I guess it's better than going your whole life unaware and not being able to "fix" it.  

Maybe.

I haven't really figured out the solution, I know I will, it's just going to take some time. 

 We are half way through the year and I'm disappointed in myself in just how much I have not healed. I need to understand that healing is not linear and falling back into an endless cycle does not mean I'm a failure, that it's just part of the process. The thing is I don't blog/journal like I use to where I would brain dump and make sense of things through writing. Without that I feel... lost. Trying to face things without writing them down for me, feels pointless. But at the same time, I don't feel like sharing that much of myself and business out there anymore. Not every "friend" is a friend and not every person who seems like they care and have your best interest at heart, actually does.

You don't heal from shutting yourself off, you heal by choosing who deserves your trust.

I've spent a lot of the first half of the year and bits of the last part of last year in the ER for various reasons. I've been kept overnight almost every single time. I'm being forced to be face to face with a health concern that I've been aware of but never aware of just how bad it was because nothing came up about it until... now.

And in the mist of finding out about that and how badly it has escalated, I was presented with a handful of other health concerns that I'd really rather not talk or think about at the moment. I'll deal with it when it gets here.

That being said, I haven't had much time to discover new favs. Not like I use to. I do miss searching and finding new things to try and love. But I've been too distracted to even think about going out, nor do I have much energy to do all that right now. 

My husband has done more than usual from making sure the kids leave me be on days that are harder than others. Bringing me breakfast on his way home from taking the kiddo to school on days I have to take my iron. Those days are the worst because I end up so drained.

However there are a few things I kept going back to in the month of May, and through it's not some big exciting epic list, it's still things that brought me joy in the month of May.

This isn't going to be an organized typical blog post. It's going to be messy and probably out of order. I just decided to write this after debating if I should or not -- because today, nine years ago, was a day that killed a part of me that I didn't know existed. 

My first pregnancy happened nine years ago and it was very painful, very uncomfortable and very short lived. My boyfriend at the time saw the pregnancy test and the first thing he said when he saw it was "we need to find an abortion clinic." he didn't even ask me what I wanted. And he literally spent the rest of that day sending me links to various abortion clinics telling me to get this done.

I was completely heartbroken at his reaction. And it only got worse. I threw up maybe 3-5 times a day. I couldn't stomach anything. I couldn't even look at food. My motion sickness was insanely rough. Smells made me throw up. I had no energy to do anything. And I was on my own. Every time I threw up, there he was commenting "what a waste of food" or "my aunt was able to do laundry and clean while pregnant, you're just using this as an excuse."

When I started expressing I couldn't do this, I didn't feel right ending a pregnancy, he would get angry and he would literally slam me on the floor saying I needed to stop acting like a child and get this done. I brought it up 3 times and each time I was met with the same anger.

I can't even begin to express how hopeless and helpless I felt. I had no help, I was too far away from anyone I knew. He had me move an hour away from Orlando and anyone who could help me. Being forced to get this done was horrible. I got an ultrasound photo and I have no idea where it went. I wouldn't be surprised if he threw it away. I was told the baby was healthy with a strong heartbeat that I got to see.

My heart broke. Completely. Utterly. Broke. 

When I was sent back to the waiting room, I protested again that I couldn't do this. And he screamed at me in the waiting room telling me if I don't get this done driving out there would had been a waste of time and gas (that he didn't even pay for -- the gas or the abortion fees). 

The actual day of the abortion was Father's Day that year and he left me home alone to deal with this alone to go spend Father's Day with his grandfather. He wasn't home when the symptoms prior to passing the fetus happened. He wasn't home when I passed the fetus. He wasn't home when I sat on the bathroom floor, bleeding and crying. He didn't ask me how I was, didn't check on me all day, and came home acting like it was just another day.

He also had failed to pay the phone bill prior to this so my phone was off. I couldn't call my parents, I couldn't call for help. This is why I only text my mom on Facebook Messenger now. I wish they had the ability to call back then, maybe I wouldn't had felt so helpless and alone.

After all that was said and done, just looking at him disgusted me. I had no idea what postpartum depression was at the time, I had no resources, no help. But looking back at it now, I absolutely fell into a deep dark postpartum. He expected me to keep the house clean, to play some sort of weird ass home keeper now that I was "feeling better". As if I was just getting over a flu or something. 

I ended up leaving my ex, after he wouldn't leave my damn house. With him telling me I was lazy and useless because "I haven't done anything since the abortion". I told him "you feel your baby die inside you and tell me how you'd go on." he replied with "you're so full of shit, you never even wanted kids so I don't know why you're acting like a child right now." 

Triggered is an understatement. Angry, is an understatement. I was so much of both that I didn't even respond. I just blocked him and kept him blocked. For years. He's still blocked, actually. 

The silver lining is that I would meet my future husband in just a few days. Someone who's helped me navigate and allowed me space to mourn. Someone who would end up in the delivery room with me twice. I have two very adorable, smart, loving and compassionate girls. 

If you had told me 9 years ago today that it'll be okay, I wouldn't had believed you. Not at all. Not even a little bit.

I think of the baby I never got to meet. The baby that was taken from me. And while I don't fall into a crying mess as much now than I have before, it's something that is burned into my soul. Something I will carry with me for the rest of my life. 

There is no justice. There is no battle. There is nothing I can do about what happened. As much as I wish there was something I could do, there isn't. 

 I wonder how many of these Hello June blog posts exist on this blog. I do wish I had continued to consistently blog here... but between getting distracted from other blogs on different platforms and being a highly emotional driven person... that just wasn't happening. And I can't beat myself up for that, life is life and consistency in the things we like to do isn't always going to happen. And that is totally okay. Especially when it comes to creating content; content creating is already hard and emotionally taxing as it is, doing it when you're depressed or in a bad place in your life feels impossible. 

Granting myself grace has never been easy, and I honestly have never done it. I always expect the most from myself because I know what I'm capable of... but in the moments where I just can't, I shouldn't punish myself.

This blog generates its own traction of thousands of views a month, I assume because it's been here for over ten years. But whatever it is, I'm glad for the views I do get, especially in the months I don't post anything.

I've told myself for the last 2 years I was going to work on healing and each time those plans didn't happen because I have too big of a heart. I can feel myself reverting back to that person who just didn't care as much as she did, and that's not really who I want to be. I care, naturally. That's just who I am. I'm trying to learn to not let other people's deflections, or their demons define me. I'm trying to learn that people act the way they act because of who they are. There's no reasoning or hoping for change, and change that isn't done for yourself is just a show.

This month I want to focus on healing my nervous system as much as I can. Learn how to move forward without still being angry about what's behind me. I want to laugh more. I want to find more things I love. I want to discover new snacks and foods, because that's what makes me happy. I want to share those or taste test them with my kiddo or my husband because that too makes me happy. 

I want to go back to falling in love with books, stories that move and change me. I want to go back to writing like I'm running out of time. I want to discover more music. Play more games that I find myself searching their hashtags for on IG in the middle of the night.

I want to open a new shop, one that no one really knows or will know about. I want to create art for myself and the people who find and resonate with it.  

I want to keep more about myself, to myself. I've always been a pretty open book and on my blogs, I don't exactly regret that... you don't heal from shutting yourself away, you heal by being more mindful of who deserves your trust and energy. But when it comes to people who know me in real life, I want to keep more of myself and struggles to myself. They've been weaponized by so many people I know in real life that it became extremely discouraging. My husband gave me advice that I still think about today after I had left for the second time: "it doesn't matter how much you cry, beg or bleed, some people just don't care." I don't talk about my husband as much as I should, I use to have him all over this blog. But for someone who's had zero experience with ocd, anxiety and depression... he's good at sensing when something is wrong and he's quick to apologize if he knows it's something he did on accident. I get endless cuddles, hugs and  tickles from him and the babies when I'm sad. He's taught them how to be gentle with me and my heart as well. I'm truly thankful.

I would say I want to start cooking, but I always say that and it doesn't happen. I use to be really into Hello Fresh when I'd get Sunday's to myself and I would cook. Or I'd have my husband cook them. And we've discovered so many good ones through Hello Fresh. 

I want to start blogging my weekend recaps and my monthly favs again. Along with some of the girls favs as well. I want to revamp my motherhood blog and motherhood accounts.

I want to go back to streaming and talking about video games I love. I shouldn't let someone else's opinion define what brings me joy, especially if that person themselves have no idea what the heck I'm doing or even talking about.

This month I want to work on reclaiming my joys and the things I love doing. I'm honestly excited for myself and I can't wait to see where this will take me.

What are your goals for June?