Being 40 marks the 10 year anniversary of this blog; since then it's gained over 8k views a month even without me posting as regularly as I use to. You guys really search for Bath & Body Works candle reviews and that's great. I love that. I didn't expect that to happen when I started this blog.

Whoever said 40 is the new 20 was a damn liar. 

In terms of understanding yourself, those around you and being more self aware -- those things happen as you age, at least you can hope it happens for some people though I know a lot of people personally who aren't and it's a bit worrying. 

• Everything health wise puts you in the severe category, it's fun. Your health status reminds you that your body is actively planning your downfall 
• Your energy levels are non existent. Or maybe it's just me and my soul, will report back on that later
• You approach preimenopause and it. is. hell. here. literally, the hot flashes and night sweats make you feel like you just came back from hell everyyyy morning
• The brain fog... ooh girllllllll THE BRAIN FOG makes me feel like I'm meeting myself all over again like this is some kind of fucked up 50 First Dates shit. Okay, maybe that's a bit dramatic, but it's pretty annoyingly shitty
• Leaving the house when it's over 85* outside in Texas, is a helllllllllllllllll no because I'm already getting hot flashes so why the fuck would I go out in that
• Your patience is non existent. You freely pop off at people because who cares, people will talk about you anyway so you might as well make it worth it that and like, people really just need to be told to stfu I guess otherwise they won't
• Face sun spots. I see them, everywhere. I use to see them on my dad, ask what was that. Why was his skin like that (he said it was because he popped his pimples also when he was younger), my pores are like, growing and if I hated them in my 20's, I HAAAAAAAATE them now but I see my dad's skin when I look at my own and it's such a bittersweet thing
• Your paranoia is in fuckin overdrive. And it's ridic what it comes up with. I use to do exactly what it told me not to do just to shut it up (in case you were wondering how I ended up working for Disney or you know, jumping states so freely), and I guess I could still do that but maybe it's all other things considered -- health wise -- that I'm not ready to just jump on a plane and tell my brain to fuck itself
• You don't digest food like you use to... and it gets worse the older you get. It's so fun. Eating something that you USUALLY eat and like, either get bubble fuckin guts or you break out in hives. It's a toss up how your safe food will fuck you up as you age

You also get hit with this insane kind of self awareness. Self awareness of the roots and causes of your trauma and how it's probably caused your physical ills. It's a very uncomfortable thing to realize, makes you feel helpless how to help yourself. And sad for not knowing or figuring it out sooner. But I guess it's better than going your whole life unaware and not being able to "fix" it.  

Maybe.

I haven't really figured out the solution, I know I will, it's just going to take some time. 

My onelittleword for 2024; 

After an extremely traumatic 2023 finding a word for 2024 wasn't hard at all. I barely struggled with it. And everything that I do within 2024 will reflect this word. Much harder than I've ever done in previous years. Because my healing, my mental health, is not just for me but for my girls too.

Going back to being the mom that I said I'd be when Tums was born. Working hard to avoid situations that'll make me relapse. Avoiding people who seem to be dead set on triggering me and pushing me off my path. And staying away from people who try to tell me what to do or what choices I should be making. People who tell me that my kids "shouldn't" be here are def not people I want to be around.

Making my silence more of a priority. Not answering my phone and not feeling bad for doing so. I don't need to reply to every message, text or phone call. Especially if I really don't want to. 

And if this makes me sound selfish, then I guess that makes me selfish but I'm literally done caring. Because nothing is more important than MY happiness and my girls having a mom who isn't always in a bad mood.

I haven't put much thought into any specific resolutions, just focusing on getting better and recovering my mental health. I've gone way too long letting it suffer and enduring the opinions of other people. I need to get back into taking control of my life and what I want instead of worrying about upsetting other people cause that isn't the move and I don't know why I ever thought it was. In the end the ones to suffer were my girls and I'm never letting that happen again.