Showing posts with label loss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label loss. Show all posts
May was a pretty hard month; or well there was a week in it that was particularly... hard. In life people suffer loss, it's just one of those things and no matter how much we prepare ourselves or how much we think we'll be fine, we usually aren't. At least not for awhile. Ever since COVID the weeks and months just start to blur together and it gets hard to remember what I did in which month. Esp since I don't get out as much as I use to and so I don't take as many pictures as I use to either.
The week of Mother's Day Bubba was feeling worse than he had earlier so he took himself to the ER where he did test positive for COVID. He had been coughing for about a week and it was starting to get pretty bad. I had headaches (thankfully not migraines, ironically), body aches, dizziness and a low grade fever for about 2-3 days. Then I just didn't. I never had a full blown fever or coughing and congestion, at all. I retained my sense of smell and taste up until maybe the end of the week for about 2 days. Bubba had medicine and an inhaler to take. I just kept popping Emergen-C gummies and staying on top of my Vit C and trying to stay hydrated by drinking something other than soda all day.
On Thursday that same week, my cat I adopted as a 30th birthday/post divorce gift in 2015 was having a rough day. She was diagnosed with kidney failure 5 years ago and since moving to TX she's just gotten progressively worse in various areas of her health. She started getting annual ear infections. That moved on to masses growing in her ears and eventually in her eye. She stopped bathing herself. And that's when things started to get bad really fast. The last week she hadn't been eating her medicated food but would eat human food; which she never really cared too much for anything besides cheese, whipped cream, vanilla ice cream and Cheetos. And yet the only thing she would fight you for was the cheese. Everything else, if you offered she would take. But beyond those human foods, she didn't care for anything else. She had also started crying day and night and no matter what we did to help, it just wouldn't stop.
The last time we brought her to the vet they found a mass growing behind one of her eyes, because of her age and her health they told us that they probably would decide against putting her under and taking care of the masses because it would probably hurt her more than help. We were also advised to consider not giving her rabies shots after a point, esp since she was a single indoor only cat.
So on this particular day, I noticed she seemed unable to move. Almost like she couldn't move her arms and legs. She sort of just laid there, like a pancake and hard a hard time breathing. I spent as much time as I could with her petting her and talking to her. Telling her it's okay and she did so good being the most amazing companion a person could ask for. I eventually had to go to bed because I was still recovering from COVID.
By the time Bubba had gotten up Friday morning, she was gone.
In one week I had COVID and lost my best companion. I still don't really feel like talking to anyone about anything in particular. I'm at least feeling up to writing/blogging again but other than that... I'm just finding it to be too much energy to talk about anything. The house is a lot more quiet and feels a lot more empty without her here. Like something is definitely missing. I haven't lived anywhere in 6 years without her, and while I knew it was going to be hard, I still feel totally unprepared. It took me two weeks to really cry about it and now I just randomly burst into tears; it's like it just opened a whole gate of emotions.
Bub caught me crying one night and I woke up to these flowers and a sweet note from him and Tums.
I don't tend to write too many personal posts here; although I wanted to when I started this blog. It's just hard when people aren't driven to blogs for personal posts like they use to be. And I know the whole "it's your blog, post what you want!" but you also don't want to let your readers down. Idk, maybe it's just me?
I'm rambling.
I also have a migraine.
And I'm writing this at 616am.
One year ago today my dad passed away in his sleep.
He had been battling cancer for 8 years. I hadn't seen him in 6 years. That will always be one of the hardest realities to face. I wouldn't say my dad and I were close exactly, but we got along better than me and my mom did while I was growing up. I was a spoiled jerk as a teenager (just thinking back on how I acted gets on my nerves but I was also a very angry teenager for reasons I don't really want to mention) but I was definitely always a Daddy's Girl.
I'm rambling.
I also have a migraine.
And I'm writing this at 616am.
One year ago today my dad passed away in his sleep.
He had been battling cancer for 8 years. I hadn't seen him in 6 years. That will always be one of the hardest realities to face. I wouldn't say my dad and I were close exactly, but we got along better than me and my mom did while I was growing up. I was a spoiled jerk as a teenager (just thinking back on how I acted gets on my nerves but I was also a very angry teenager for reasons I don't really want to mention) but I was definitely always a Daddy's Girl.
Today was suppose to be the happiest day for me; it was suppose to be the day I announced your life.
Which won't happen.
I have counted down to this day since I found out I was pregnant on November 12th. I stopped counting Sunday's once it hit 12 weeks. There's nothing left to countdown to.
I don't even know why I'm blogging; I wanted to say something but now that I have this open I don't know what to say --- what would I say to you if you were still here? Would the things I want to say still apply? No, they wouldn't.
I keep crying about the fact that you're gone, that we never even got the chance to see you or hear your heartbeat. I mourn the fact that you were the easiest pregnancy I've had and I'm heartbroken to not be able to see what kind of person you ended up being. Or not seeing what you'd look like, or who you'd look like more.
I mourn the fact that me and you daddy spent months even before you were here talking about who you'd be, what you'd like. We talked about what would be the first book we'd read to you. What would be the first Disney movie we'd have you watch. What kind of Disney vacations we'd have with you. Holidays. Birthday's. We talked about almost all of it. And when you got here we were so excited about you and we were so happy to have you here.
And it sucks that the choice to keep you sometimes isn't up to us. That sometimes blessings don't stay. Things and people we wait for get lost.
I'll always mourn that you're gone and I never even got to see you. Despite your daddy constantly reminding me you're not gone --- not even a little bit. He helps me keep the memory of you alive. I wish you could had met your daddy, he loved you long before you got here and he waited for you.
We'll always miss you. Always. And we'll always keep you with us. Always.
~*~
Loss is a part of life, blessings are too.
Physically I'm feeling a lot better, but at my last appointment they told me that a pregnancy test can still come up positive for up to a month after a miscarriage so I'll have to go back next month to take a follow up test even though they tested the "clot" I had brought in and confirmed it did have traces of a fetus.
I hate that there's no REAL reason why miscarriage happens, how I was so close to being able to announce my pregnancy and be out of the miscarriage woods. I. Was. So. Close. I know that even after the 12 weeks you're still able to miscarry or lose the baby for various reasons and I never understood why TV and movies and thots down the street make it look SO easy to just pop out babies. Then there's the rest of us who have to struggle and wonder and endure loss who actually want the kids. And it seems a little bit unfair. Almost cruel the universe would make something this heartbreaking possible. At any moment. When you least expect it almost.
I'm sad for the fact I lost her on Christmas. Literally ON Christmas. I'm sad for the panic I felt and had to set it aside because it was Christmas. I'm sad to everyone else she doesn't even exist. It almost makes it feel like my pain and mourning shouldn't exist. Suffering in silence is something I hate with a passion.
I'm sure as time goes I'll come to terms with it a bit better and I know we'll always keep her in our memory and in our thoughts.
Losing something that was literally a part of you and losing something you were literally caring for within yourself is such a hard loss to face and I suppose I never realized just how hard of a loss until we lost her. I always thought pregnancy was gross and I still do --- the baby kicking part and all of that --- but there's also something incredibly magical and something about it that makes you feel the words "home" and "family" personified.
I'm lucky to have someone as positive and as strong and level headed as Bubba be her father and my partner in my life. I'm so lucky to have his endless support. He's been my bubble and my rock since all of this happened and I know he will continue to be for as long as I need him to be and for as long as I need to mourn the loss of our baby.
We will be okay, we will heal and we will never forget her.
Weekly Recap use to be a weekly thing I did on this blog and my previous lifestyle blog a few years ago. I recently haven't been able to find time to keep up with it that regularly so I stopped. It is something I would like to get back into, especially since these seem to be some of my favorite posts from other bloggers as well!
This weekend I got sick.
And apparently a lot more than I thought happened, happened.
Sunday's lately have been for relaxing; which is nice. I usually end up rushing around on Sunday's getting homework and doing some chores done. This last Sunday we took a walk around a plaza we frequent and I was able to pick up the pretty pastel Ulta makeup bag they were giving out for free with a purchase of $20 in Ulta brand beauty products. I ended up picking up this palette on a whim but I am heavily excited about the quality! I can't wait to play with it!
In addition to celebrating the ten year death anniversary of my baby hamster Flix (I wish I had a post to refer back to about how much he means to me but I never wrote one on this blog --- goes to show I need to write more!), my mom informed me that my baby girl back home Chammy has passed. My mom doesn't like telling me these things... a few years ago I completely flipped out when I found out my first cat passed while I was living across the country doing an internship with Disney World. I took it really badly and it took me forever to heal. But my anxiety was at an all time high back then and my new husband was showing his true useless colors. It was just a bad time in my life.
Chammy was rescued in 2012. She was the runt of the two litters. She was really tiny but she loved food and she was very active as a kitten. Then one day she just... wasn't. She didn't play but she loved treats. She stayed tiny. She was always throwing up and sick but she was a happy girl who kept my mom company and was her little healer. Chammy lived to be 3 1/2 years, which is a hell of a lot longer than we thought she would make it. She will always be missed. She inspired me to adopt Sophie, since Sophie is so tiny and throws up a lot she reminded me of Chammy. I don't regret adopting Sophie no matter how much of a handful she is and we never regretted rescuing Chammy no matter what she got into. We love you Chammy girl, always.
I got a lot of loves the next few days from Jane and Sophie. It's nice to be surrounded by fur babies. This particular morning Nick and I woke up to toys from Jane scattered around. She likes leaving him toys at night. As if Jane could get ANY more adorbs, right?!
It's been nice this week. Nick has been watching a few vlogs lately and I'm hoping it'll inspire him to start his own... so he picked up the dSLR and played with it a bit.
I went with Nick to work on Thursday. I was having issues with my bank card --- honestly I was having issues with Bank of America since the day I signed up, I'm so done with them --- and I wasn't able to pay for my lunch. So I called my bank to see what was going on. I was on the phone for 45 mins. The lady who was taking my order ended up just giving me my meal for free. She was like "I was waiting for you to get off the phone to tell you I was just going to handle it for you, I'm not going to let anyone starve!" I was SO touched. Like, I was having a rough 24 hours and the fact that she did this nice thing for me seriously was going to make me cry. I was uber thankful for her sweet gesture. I love how when I'm feeling down and out a stranger always comes along and reminds me of why I shouldn't give up. It's the universe giving you little memos along the way, you've just gotta listen.
So to the kind lady at the bagel place, thank you SO much. You did so much more than you could ever imagine for me that day!
Managed to give this drink a try. Didn't realize that there was milk in it and ended up getting sick. Apparently my lactose intolerance has come back. Full force.
I also did a candle exchange at Bath & Body Works I was disappointed in. Usually if I do product for product even exchange it's not a problem. Candle for candle. But the lady at this store decided to scan the candles and went off their price. So for the two I went in to exchange she only let me get one. That's never in the years I've been shopping at BBW ever happen!! I love BBW but I've noticed lately that they haven't been that great with in store exchanges or customer service. I'm a little glad I've been loving Yankee Candle a bit more recently. They don't pull shady crap like that.
*edit. I just called customer service about it and they said I was suppose to get two candles for my two. Strange.
I was hit with intense stomach pains for hours so Nick made me a fluffy nest on the couch and some creamy chicken soup. I couldn't move so I couldn't feed myself so he handed me Norman to help. Who's in worse shape than I'm in lol. He legit filmed the entire struggle of me trying to get this straw-to-soup thing to work though.
Woke up to this email! Nick and I made it on the Influensters email! How cool is that?!? You can watch the review we did here!
I can't get over the look on Sophie's face here. Nick grabbed her for kisses and she was struggling then she just... gave up. She looks like she's smiling but she also looked really really scared lmfao!
Of course all was forgiven with the help of her favorite food in the world --- cheese. She will literally jump on you for it. And steal it out of your hand.
Woke up with a migraine Saturday morning so decided to do some lightweight cleaning and laundry and lit candles around the apartment. Anything to make it more zen and peaceful.
I'm loving this new scent from Bath & Body Works Spring collection this year. This was one Nick actually picked up and liked (he's totally anti BBW and pro Yankee Candle). Plus it's pink so it fits on my vanity prefectly. Also, I can never find my NYX Jumbo Pencil in Milk. I swear every time I use it, it grows legs and walks away right after...
Here's to hoping I feel better soon!
How was your week? Anything exciting happen?
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