Showing posts with label memories. Show all posts
Showing posts with label memories. Show all posts
It's my birthday week.
And though I'm not turning a significant age I thought I'd look back on all my past birthdays. As a reminder, if you will.
I'm a little sad I'm not going on vacation or doing anything epic this year for my birthday. I am going on foodie adventures through out the DFW area though which I am REALLY REALLY excited about especially since there's a few places I've really wanted to try since I moved here!
But I was thinking the other day and this morning; I had mentioned to Bubba I never look forward to my birthday. Like ever. And though I've had traditions that I've held on pretty tightly to through out the years I wonder, really, how do I FEEL about my birthday?
And though I'm not turning a significant age I thought I'd look back on all my past birthdays. As a reminder, if you will.
I'm a little sad I'm not going on vacation or doing anything epic this year for my birthday. I am going on foodie adventures through out the DFW area though which I am REALLY REALLY excited about especially since there's a few places I've really wanted to try since I moved here!
But I was thinking the other day and this morning; I had mentioned to Bubba I never look forward to my birthday. Like ever. And though I've had traditions that I've held on pretty tightly to through out the years I wonder, really, how do I FEEL about my birthday?
I literally don't know why I'm getting anxiety just thinking about writing this blog post. I feel like my blood has run cold and all my nerves are on alert.
I guess just thinking of this day still makes me cringe.
Traditions are very important to me. And I created traditions for myself to enjoy the things I like in life, to have things to look forward to. Because when your life is lonely and your mind can be your greatest enemy the best way to combat that is to have something to look forward to. To have bits of this life that excite you.
Two years ago I lived in Lake Mary, Florida. I moved away from Orlando and it was the biggest and dumbest move I ever made. I was told by the guy I was dating at the time that I wouldn't be that far from Orlando or Disney and we would be able to go any time.
That was a lie.
I had to fight with him for a week to get to Disney and even when we finally DID go, he would be miserable the whole time and want to leave as soon as we got there. We were an hour away, maybe less. But hell he'd get upset if I said I wanted to go to Krispy Kreme which was ten minutes away. He was the type to expect you to go/do everything HE wanted to do without question yet when I wanted to do the things I've ALWAYS done he'd throw a fit and trap me in the house. This was a big thing of his btw, trapping me.
I didn't really notice it until I moved to Lake Mary.
Two year ago today was Easter.
I normally spent Easter at Disney and I had brought up this months before to which he said was fine, we could spend Easter there since he had no real plans. But the day before was saying all of a sudden we couldn't go and I HAD to go with him to his grandparents house. His grandparents house were we spent EVERY OTHER FUCKIN DAY doing NOTHING but staring at the wall, literally. Not to mention my cousin who I hadn't seen in year since I moved away from California was going to be in Tampa and he had ZERO interest in seeing her or meeting her --- in fact he had zero interest in meeting ANY of my family members including my parents.
The morning of, he did what he always did.
He firmly stated we WEREN'T going to Disney. Demanded I get dressed and get ready to go with him to his grandparent's house.
I refused.
I was tired of him gas lighting me. I was tired of him promising to do something then last minute going back on his word then picking a fight with me to shut me up when I'd call him out on it. I was tired of his shit.
So I said no. I wasn't going. I wasn't leaving the house if we weren't going to Disney. That I'm sick of him lying to me.
He walked over to the computer desk where I was sitting.
He picked me up by my throat.
Then he SLAMMED me on the couch wrapping his hands around my throat and screaming at me asking if "I was done acting like a child." I tried kicking him in his gut, in his face, anywhere to get him off of me. I was screaming for him to get off of me. To let me go. He kept screaming "No. Not until you stop acting like a child." That was his reason for everything when shit like this happened I was the one acting like a child.
He finally let go.
Then he did what he always did afterwards, he sat CALMLY like a fuckin psycho telling me that if I kept acting like this we wouldn't last for much longer. To which I replied, "put your hands on me again and I promise we won't." he laughed. He fuckin laughed. Then patted my shoulder and told me to have a nice day before leaving the house.
I wanted to burn the apartment to the ground.
I stayed in my room with the door locked hiding in my closet and cried for hours. I stayed quiet. I listened for when he'd come back. I made sure I was in bed and 'asleep' by the time he came back. I hated being scared. I hated myself. I hated Easter. He ruined my favorite holiday without so much as a fuckin care. I was heartbroken.
Then he had the nerve to come home and hug me like he didn't just put his hands on me. Claiming he didn't slam me that hard and to quit acting like a baby. As if slamming your girlfriend anywhere for any reason was fuckin normal. Then went on to claim that I needed his money when he blew all his money on comic book and Hot Wheels.
He didn't pay rent. He didn't pay bills. He didn't pay electric or internet. He didn't even pay for his own gas or food. He literally didn't pay for shit. I laughed when he said I needed his money. I never needed his money or him. But in his delusional mind he really thought he was doing some shit for the 'household' when he didn't do shit. He didn't even pay for the Netflix or Hulu he was fuckin using. And when I would remind him of rent he would again fight with me and the cycle started all over again.
This day however was the first time he picked me up and slammed me. Through out our relationship he would do it again. And again.
And no matter how hard I tired to kick him out. Or break up with him he just wouldn't get the fuckin hint. He would ignore me. If I could had afforded to change the locks on the apartment and leave all his shit outside I would had. But I had nowhere to go, nowhere to hide and no one to turn to. I was stranded in a city an hour away from anyone I knew. And it was definitely scary.
I refused to let this day take away my love for Easter. But every time it comes up, it just hurts to think someone out there thought this was okay.
~*~
I'm thankful I'm out of that relationship. I'm thankful I'm away from all that toxic energy and I'm somewhere far away from there and safe. And around someone who goes above and beyond these days to make sure every holiday is one I'll love.
I kind of have this thing where I love Leap Year.
It always reminds me that life can tend to be messy, hectic and not go your way. And sometimes you need to just close your eyes, spin until you land in a direction and leap. I personally think that jumping not just into situations that scare you but doing things that make you think this is crazy is what really makes you get to know yourself better. Challenge yourself, reward yourself, trust yourself. Sure, maybe the path you picked will lead you into a dead end. Maybe it'll test you. Maybe it will be the best thing that's ever happened to you.
So what am I leaping for this year?
I've already made the switch to another school that honestly sort of scares me because of how focused it is on art and how serious it is about making your dreams come true. It's a little intimidating! Other than that, diving head first back into my business as well as into my blogs and working on content for my channels. But those are things I would had done regardless.
So what is something I'm going to take blind faith in? What scares me?
Traveling alone.
And it is something I'm going to have to deal with some time this year and yes it does scare me no matter how many times people say I'll be fine. Still, never traveling by yourself then having to... it's scary. Especially when it's across the country with a lay over. I hate lay over's as it is!
Divorce.
Which I know is something that is already in the works (okay, crazy that all of these things are happening this year and I wasn't even aware it was a Leap Year until like a week or two ago) but it's still scary because you're leaving your "comfort zone" or your "comfort person" rather.
And before I go, I just want to mention that today marks Flixie's 8th death anniversary (I think it's 8th) and I still miss him so much every time my anxiety gets really really bad. So I hope you're doing well, wherever you are and I'm still thinking of you fuzzy butt.
Flixie kisses • summer 2007
What are you going to take a leap for this year?
Happy Holidays!
I know I'm slacking hardcore in the blog updating department but that doesn't mean I haven't been planning! And now with my brand new camera, I feel like I can take on the world! No, seriously. I know right? Must be some serious stuff a camera can influence like that!
I hope you are all having an amazing day filled with loved ones, laughter, and really good food. As for me I'm alone today and I was planning a date with Netflix and pizza but I skipped on the Netflix because I was enjoying the quiet too much. I still plan on binge watching a few movies before they take them off though! Also binge reading a few books I'll be listing on Readarella later that I hope to finish before the year ends.... it's looking questionable though haha.
So it's Christmas. And it's Thursday so... I thought I'd throw it back to 1997.
Can you find me? I was... 12 when we did this routine. I could probably still do it in my sleep if I thought hard enough. But this was the very first color guard performance I ever did. I miss being in guard and in band so much, it was like being part of a family, literally. We'd yell at each other but come back and say sorry later. It was nothing but love. I loved being on stage, it was like pretending to be someone else. Someone more confident than the shy little girl I was back then.
I still can't do a horizontal. I mean I can, with gift wrap but not with a flag. Saber, yes. Rifle, yes. Flag, hell to the no. I have no idea why. I always think it's going to hit me or something... I can't explain it. Though I felt that way with a Saber but I do just fine. It's actually more terrifying with a Saber. A Rifle isn't so bad because it's weighted.
I hope you all enjoy my throwback, because I've watched it about 5 times now. It's so crazy to find this on YouTube and realize THATS YOU haha.
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