I somehow forgot to write this little section in the previous entry. I guess I thought the photo had copied to my desktop when it didn't and I didn't realize it until I went to bed last night that I didn't talk about this!

This birthday was probably the most memorable, and definitely not in a good way.

My ex husband was pretty... selfish. Bubba had asked me months ago if he was ever controlling and in a sense I never thought of M as 'controlling', I guess because he never acted out, if you will. Like he never made public scenes or he never flat out showed your typical version of jealousy. But if I think about all the things he expected of me or all the things he pushed then in a really subtle yet un-subtle way he was controlling. He wouldn't throw a fit or make a scene but he was a pro (A FUCKIN PRO I TELL YOU) at ignoring someone for as long as a week and a half. And I mean IGNORE, like not talking, not responding. But if we're talking ignore then he went years doing that shit.

But he was selfish in a sense since I can't really think of another word to call it --- let's put it this way --- if he had friends (and 99% of his friends were girls which was fine cause 100% of my friends are usually guys though I DO NOT hug coworkers AT WORK. Hell I don't hug them AT ALL unless I'm REALLY close to them and that takes a lot of time. I'm not a hugger if I don't fuckin know you and I'm definitely NOT a hugger if I suspect you have a crush on me. In fact I'd be less than a friend if I suspected you had a crush on me and I definitely would not be hanging out with you, ever) which were mostly girls he would completely ignore me. If they asked him to hang out he would be prompt and he would stay out as late as 2am. He wouldn't tell me WHERE he was going or WHO these girls were and he wouldn't update me from time to time. If he went to hang out with friends or coworkers I wouldn't get a single text or call the entire time he was out. If I texted asking him something while he was out he would get pissed and wouldn't respond.

This particular year we had to take the same work bus to work (the E bus for those of you who do/did the DCP and worked on the Hollywood Studios route whoot whoot); we barely ever started work at the same time or ended at the same time to ever really have to be on the same bus. But the very few times we did he wouldn't even acknowledge I was on the bus, especially if his coworkers were there.

Once we were standing at the bus stop, I had my headphones on cause we were waiting and he was standing next to me, a coworker comes and says hi. Looks at me then walks off. He turns to me mad saying, "why do you always have to repel my friends." uh bitch what? I'm sitting here, listening to music, on my phone, minding my own business. Don't no one care about you and your janky friends. She need to brush her hair.

This was the birthday year I'm talking about.

The one I had mentioned where his friend's birthday was the day before mine and they went to lunch and I was waiting for him at my spa appointment. His friend had asked about me and he didn't like it. So he resolved to not have me meet anyone he worked with. So this year, though I saw some of his coworkers from time to time on the bus with him, I wasn't allowed to meet them or say hi. So most of the time when I'd run into him say on the bus on the way home, I'd sit away from him and with my coworkers instead and ignore the fact he's actually on the bus since he did such a great job of ignoring me even as I walked on.

Great marriage, right?

So he was never into social media, he always said it was "stupid" and "gay" but during my birthday week that year he got back on Instagram and Facebook, added all his chick friends and would frequently be in a group chat with them on Facebook or on Instagram and leaving each other comment threads. I noticed he got back on social media but he still hadn't liked or commented on any of my posts anywhere. But I knew he was texting people on these apps.

He said he had gotten on for my birthday as if THAT was his bday gift to me. Just like how he frequently used, "I was nice to you all day." as if it's something that he should be praised for. It didn't occur to me at the time that Chanel's birthday was literally the day before mine and that he added all his coworkers and was constantly texting them. Yet he spun it around saying he got back on for me though he left no trace of any activity on any of my posts.

I do a lot of random things.

At EPCOT you can color in a Perry or a Duffy at any of the countries. There's a table for kids to color at and you take it to every station in every country and they stamp it for you.

I was pretty proud of this guy cause I thought the body color was pretty accurate and at the time I was kind of obsessed with Perry (not so much Secret Agent P) even though I didn't watch the show. But I always thought it was funny how as Perry he's kinda cross/bulge eyed but as Secret Agent P he looks all professional lol! And no, sadly you can't meet Perry in the parks!

So I decided to color a Perry and take him around the world for my birthday. M colored some of him but I colored most of him and it was me who took him around and I'd chit chat with the people in the diff countries. The guy in France noticed I had a Vinylmation pin and we talked Vinylmations for awhile.

There was another photo of just Secret Agent P by himself without me in it and I noticed M had posted it on his Instagram with the caption, "I scraped those little whack ass kids."

I noticed that there was no mention of me or my birthday at all on that post. When his friends left comments he took ALL the credit and he made it sound as if he was so hardcore that he "scraped" some KIDS in coloring a fuckin character. It's not a content or a game. It's something fuckin fun for kids to do. If you need to boost yourself up by down talking KIDS who are on VACATION you've got some fuckin problems. Foreal.

I had brought it up as we were going to Magic Kingdom to watch Wishes and it started this big argument where the above was said. I don't remember the entire fight. I do remember sobbing my fuckin heart out at the Magic Kingdom gates not even wanting to go see Wishes. Not even wanting to celebrate my birthday anymore.

I was just so sad and so hurt.

And I was so tired of being hidden. And sadly this was the start of the next 2 years of being hidden and BANNED from his work location. Oh yes, it got worse.

I was so tired of him saying anything having to do with marriage was gay. When that shit didn't even make fuckin sense. He never told people he was married. They would have to figure it out themselves. If I did go visit him at work and someone asked who I was he'd say "oh that's Hazel." it got so bad that some of his coworkers speculated he wasn't even married and was lying about it since no one EVER saw me. There was one coworker who he got into an altercation with at work who ran into us doing laundry once and was like "oh, you really are married I guess." and he got pissed he said that. As if it wasn't obviously his own fault. Or as if he was mad he was married in general.

As much as I loved that Perry in the end I ended up throwing him away. Every time I saw him I'd just get sad and remember that day.

At the end of the day M blamed everything on me and "acting crazy" so he deleted the photo off his Instagram and deleted the app off his phone along with the FB app. And in the end he ended up joining SnapChat with all of them and refused to add me to his friends list.

I try to cling on to the good memories of this birthday --- my facial. Finally meeting Remy at Chefs de France and getting to eat in France. My day 2 outfit with the top hat. How good this outfit came out and how I didn't feel insecure in it at all (it was the first time wearing a dress in forever). Getting to eat Ohana's.

And I think that was it.

But this is definitely one birthday memory I wish I could erase.

I know everyone says this about every month but I mean... seriously. Can you believe it's already SEPTEMBER?! Because I sure as hell can NOT. I feel like I wait entire lifetimes for this month to come around because I just love it so much! 

September means Fall is right around the corner. Pumpkin Spice everything is coming out. The weather gets cooler (yes even here in Florida it does drop a little bit. But it's enough to get me excited!). Halloweeeeennnnnnn. Fall home decor, nuff said. Fall scents. Pumpkins. And everything spooky! It also means me and Nick have survived 5 months together --- without killing each other and Sophie's six month adoption day is this month! Yup! It's been six months since Sophie has found her forever home and she's very very loved here. Not just by Nick and I but also by Nick's sister and his mother. Little Soph has a legit family. 

It's been awhile since I've done one of these posts but since Fall is when I feel the most alive I figured why not start it up again!

I kind of have this thing where I love Leap Year. 

It always reminds me that life can tend to be messy, hectic and not go your way. And sometimes you need to just close your eyes, spin until you land in a direction and leap. I personally think that jumping not just into situations that scare you but doing things that make you think this is crazy is what really makes you get to know yourself better. Challenge yourself, reward yourself, trust yourself. Sure, maybe the path you picked will lead you into a dead end. Maybe it'll test you. Maybe it will be the best thing that's ever happened to you.

So what am I leaping for this year?

I've already made the switch to another school that honestly sort of scares me because of how focused it is on art and how serious it is about making your dreams come true. It's a little intimidating! Other than that, diving head first back into my business as well as into my blogs and working on content for my channels. But those are things I would had done regardless. 

So what is something I'm going to take blind faith in? What scares me?

And it is something I'm going to have to deal with some time this year and yes it does scare me no matter how many times people say I'll be fine. Still, never traveling by yourself then having to... it's scary. Especially when it's across the country with a lay over. I hate lay over's as it is!

Which I know is something that is already in the works (okay, crazy that all of these things are happening this year and I wasn't even aware it was a Leap Year until like a week or two ago) but it's still scary because you're leaving your "comfort zone" or your "comfort person" rather. 

And before I go, I just want to mention that today marks Flixie's 8th death anniversary (I think it's 8th) and I still miss him so much every time my anxiety gets really really bad. So I hope you're doing well, wherever you are and I'm still thinking of you fuzzy butt.

I know I'm technically suppose to be writing about this in my mental health blog but I figured, hazearella also has to do with my life so every now and then I will be sprinkling a bit of this and that here. 

It is now February. And Valentines Day is coming up pretty soon. In ten days. And this is the first year I'm without a Valentine and my mom isn't here to make it better. But I will brave through it. I will stay strong and eat my ice cream and marathon FRIENDS or The Mindy Project or One Tree Hill. I'll be fine. I won't go into a mental breakdown like I did on Christmas.

So today was my first time ever seeing a therapist about something other than OCD. I've done therapy before but mostly it was based around my OCD so I didn't spend so much talking about me exactly. The lady I met with was recommended by my MD and she's a marriage therapist. But there was no way he would go since  he thinks therapy is stupid so I went alone. It's better if I did, I needed to get a bit off my chest. So as I was telling her the story of why I'm sitting in her office, I mentioned the part where I wasn't allowed to meet his "BFF" nor was I allowed to visit him at work and she literally spit up her water back in her water bottle and her eyes went big "THAT is a red flag." *nods in agreement*. I had a whole hour with her in which I wouldn't shut up, but that's why you go, to talk. And she was very understanding and patient with me noting that I have a lot it seems that I need to work through, which I do. As ignoring it only increases my resentment. Unless it's days like this where I'm too tired to really care. I asked her for any tips on how to work on resentment and she basically told me that it's up to me to come to terms with it and let it go. 

But just like my mom suggested, I need to focus on me and loving me and taking care of me and being selfish enough to put me first. And it's hard. I think that's a trait I share with my mom and my brother, I always feel like I have to take care of something or someone. Like I just like helping I guess. But when it comes to me, I'm at a loss. And maybe that's part of the reason why I SHOULD take this time to myself. What would make me happy? What calms me down? What relaxes me? 

So I'll be seeing her again in four weeks --- alone. We'll see how this goes.

I was browsing through Google+ and realized I did nothing with my page because I forgot I moved. So my Google+ page was pretty much empty and I happened upon a friend from France that is impossible to keep in contact with. Cyril, if you're reading this, yes, I'm talking about you. I miss you. TALK TO ME lol.

I'm getting anxiety just thinking about this topic because I didn't know when to write it or what to say or anything. It's 8PM and I should be eating dinner, folding laundry and doing homework but all I can think about is this big huge thing I need you guys to know because it's this big huge thing that is happening that I can't just pretend it's not.

This was a picture taken on my 29th birthday.

Five years ago last month in December I got married. Eleven years ago this month I started officially dating my best friend. We were always best friends, we never lied to each other and while things weren't perfect they weren't really worth bringing up or fighting over. But maybe they were and maybe things would had been different if they would had been brought up.

Last May M started lying and hiding things from me. Last month he changed all his passwords (even though I literally made all of his email and social media accounts). There's a lot more that goes into that but I don't want to talk about the details here, because while this is my lifestyle blog and this is a big part of my life, I don't want that energy here. If you want to know more then click here for my mental health blog where I'll be breaking it down sometime. I haven't really decided when.

Last month after months of trying to fix things, and understand things better... at the end of the day it ended up all the same --- me with my feelings hurt. Me crying all night. Me with my heartbroken. Him not home until 3AM. Me self harming. I was spiraling down a hole I had been in for such a long time as a teenager and I thought I was okay. I thought I would be okay. Ten years and I'm not. I'm literally fuckin back to where I started.

So I called it quits. I couldn't do it anymore. One person can't try while the other keeps doing what hurts someone. And he just didn't and still doesn't get it. You hear about people getting divorced all the time and you think it's just this thing, like the only thing that hurts would be walking away. But it's so much more than that when you're in it. It's like pain, everywhere. Resentment, everywhere. Questions that don't have answers, everywhere. And it's all in your face swirling around you and all you can do is try not to let those thoughts and those feelings get the best of you because you're fucked if you do.

I don't know how I feel. At first I was angry, BEYOND angry. Then I was sad. Really really sad. Then I was angry again. Then I just didn't care anymore. It's gotten to the point where he's lied so much I don't believe anything he says so I just don't talk to him. I don't trust him. I don't spend time with him if I don't have to. I don't try to be his friend. Cause we're not. We're not friends. And the fact that I'm across the country from my family with a brand new apartment to just have this drop on me... I'm trying the best I can to stay busy and positive.

So there, there's my bare it all raw entry. 

I'm in the process of getting divorced and I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm resentful, I'm happy, I'm relieved, I'm scared, I'm confident, I'm drowning, I'm fighting stay above water... I'm disappointed I think, more than anything. To know that after all we've been through... one thing or one person had the ability to make him lie to me. Straight to my face. Over and over. And that's not okay. I know I'm suppose to be this really positive person and I try but honestly, I hope she gets attacked by a Koala and burns in hell. And the other girl? I hope she burns in hell too. For your husband to let some 19 year old call you a crazy bitch for a week and not defend you? Yeah, you both can go to hell.