I know I'm technically suppose to be writing about this in my mental health blog but I figured, hazearella also has to do with my life so every now and then I will be sprinkling a bit of this and that here.
It is now February. And Valentines Day is coming up pretty soon. In ten days. And this is the first year I'm without a Valentine and my mom isn't here to make it better. But I will brave through it. I will stay strong and eat my ice cream and marathon FRIENDS or The Mindy Project or One Tree Hill. I'll be fine. I won't go into a mental breakdown like I did on Christmas.
So today was my first time ever seeing a therapist about something other than OCD. I've done therapy before but mostly it was based around my OCD so I didn't spend so much talking about me exactly. The lady I met with was recommended by my MD and she's a marriage therapist. But there was no way he would go since he thinks therapy is stupid so I went alone. It's better if I did, I needed to get a bit off my chest. So as I was telling her the story of why I'm sitting in her office, I mentioned the part where I wasn't allowed to meet his "BFF" nor was I allowed to visit him at work and she literally spit up her water back in her water bottle and her eyes went big "THAT is a red flag." *nods in agreement*. I had a whole hour with her in which I wouldn't shut up, but that's why you go, to talk. And she was very understanding and patient with me noting that I have a lot it seems that I need to work through, which I do. As ignoring it only increases my resentment. Unless it's days like this where I'm too tired to really care. I asked her for any tips on how to work on resentment and she basically told me that it's up to me to come to terms with it and let it go.
But just like my mom suggested, I need to focus on me and loving me and taking care of me and being selfish enough to put me first. And it's hard. I think that's a trait I share with my mom and my brother, I always feel like I have to take care of something or someone. Like I just like helping I guess. But when it comes to me, I'm at a loss. And maybe that's part of the reason why I SHOULD take this time to myself. What would make me happy? What calms me down? What relaxes me?
So I'll be seeing her again in four weeks --- alone. We'll see how this goes.
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