If I had to describe February in one word it would definitely be distracted.

It didn't turn out the way I had wanted and once again I let my emotions take over and make me lose sight on some goals I had this month (as you can see I didn't post any blog posts or videos this month which yes, I am kicking myself about... I'm hoping to do better for Easter/Spring). The reason being... remember how I said I was going to Texas this month to go apartment hunting? Well, it seems as though I had booked my flight one day earlier than I was suppose to and because of all the stressors going on it slipped my mind to check before the departure date like I normally would so I didn't realize I was a no show for my flight until THAT NIGHT meaning all that packing and preparing I was doing that day was for nothing. So yeah, I missed my flight, wasn't refunded the money and I had to pay a $100 penalty for cancelling my hotel reservation "too late". I was pretty disappointed with myself for a LONG time. I still kinda am but what can you do. I was suppose to spend my Valentine's Day with Bubba but since I wasn't able to get to Texas I went online shopping at home by myself instead.

In the same week my ex came and got my phone and PS4 which I didn't mind giving either things back as long as it meant he would stop trying to contact me. He was pretty much abusive our whole relationship and I'd rather not have him contact me, ever again. Though he's the type to pretend like things were all good and "be nice" as long as it benefits him. One of those people. I'd rather just stay away from all of that and him. 

So yeah, that's how my optimistic February went down hill --- fast.

Let's take a look at the goals I had for February in this post.

I'm seriously struggling right now to come up with goals I had achieved this month. Oh bother! Ah well, you can't fit too much into a short month anyway, I suppose.

That said I will be re-attempting to go apartment hunting some time in the following month (don't worry I'll MAKE SURE to book the RIGHT day this time), the little break away from Orlando will be nice. Spring is coming up and the weather here is reflecting that which is always nice, I love Spring and Fall in Orlando the most. Easter is one of my favorite holidays and I'm so ready to deck out as much of my apartment and room in pretty pastel colors as I can. I'm so lucky my roommate doesn't care about the crazy decorations or whatever I put up. She kinda just rolls with it. So yeah.

While I did get my Canon S90 camera back (finally) I've grown pretty attached to my Sony WX300. And I'm thinking of upgrading the Canon to a G9 instead.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE!

I was waiting for Bubz to get home from work but he ended up caught up in family stuff so... no dailies and no movie tonight /shrug. Haha long distance probs! It's all good though, I'll stay up to open gifts still. Just, three more hours!

I'll probably craft some on FFXIV and run my crafting dailies. I need to make that gil yo.

I ordered Chinese take out too.

I realized I don't really have any Christmas Eve/Day food traditions or any Christmas Eve/Day traditions at all really. Like I said before, I never was really into the idea of actual Christmas. So this is kinda, new. Surprisingly. I do tend to eat Chinese though, but I also crave it on Christmas. It's just a little harder when you don't have family or anything with you. Even if it has been 3 years in a row, it doesn't really get any easier.

It's totally fine though.

Peace and quiet is nice too.

I haven't watched any of my Christmas/Winter movies yet which kinda sucks. I kinda forgot about them and I didn't read Dash and Lily's Book of Dares this year either.

But like I also mentioned, this year has been kinda rough. So I can't really expect myself to dabble in the same usual things and that's fine. There's always next year. Hell, I celebrate Christmas up until the first week of January, there's still time!

I'm really looking forward to Spring colors and Valentines Day and Spring scents now lol. But that will come soon enough.

For tonight I'll do some FFXIV stuff, read a little and maybe watch Serendipity while I wait for midnight to roll by.

Weekly Recap use to be a weekly thing I did on this blog and my previous lifestyle blog a few years ago. I recently haven't been able to find time to keep up with it that regularly so I stopped. It is something I would like to get back into, especially since these seem to be some of my favorite posts from other bloggers as well!

This weekend I got sick. 

And apparently a lot more than I thought happened, happened.

Sunday's lately have been for relaxing; which is nice. I usually end up rushing around on Sunday's getting homework and doing some chores done. This last Sunday we took a walk around a plaza we frequent and I was able to pick up the pretty pastel Ulta makeup bag they were giving out for free with a purchase of $20 in Ulta brand beauty products. I ended up picking up this palette on a whim but I am heavily excited about the quality! I can't wait to play with it!

In addition to celebrating the ten year death anniversary of my baby hamster Flix (I wish I had a post to refer back to about how much he means to me but I never wrote one on this blog --- goes to show I need to write more!), my mom informed me that my baby girl back home Chammy has passed. My mom doesn't like telling me these things... a few years ago I completely flipped out when I found out my first cat passed while I was living across the country doing an internship with Disney World. I took it really badly and it took me forever to heal. But my anxiety was at an all time high back then and my new husband was showing his true useless colors. It was just a bad time in my life.

Chammy was rescued in 2012. She was the runt of the two litters. She was really tiny but she loved food and she was very active as a kitten. Then one day she just... wasn't. She didn't play but she loved treats. She stayed tiny. She was always throwing up and sick but she was a happy girl who kept my mom company and was her little healer. Chammy lived to be 3 1/2 years, which is a hell of a lot longer than we thought she would make it. She will always be missed. She inspired me to adopt Sophie, since Sophie is so tiny and throws up a lot she reminded me of Chammy. I don't regret adopting Sophie no matter how much of a handful she is and we never regretted rescuing Chammy no matter what she got into. We love you Chammy girl, always.

I got a lot of loves the next few days from Jane and Sophie. It's nice to be surrounded by fur babies. This particular morning Nick and I woke up to toys from Jane scattered around. She likes leaving him toys at night. As if Jane could get ANY more adorbs, right?!

It's been nice this week. Nick has been watching a few vlogs lately and I'm hoping it'll inspire him to start his own... so he picked up the dSLR and played with it a bit.

I went with Nick to work on Thursday. I was having issues with my bank card --- honestly I was having issues with Bank of America since the day I signed up, I'm so done with them --- and I wasn't able to pay for my lunch. So I called my bank to see what was going on. I was on the phone for 45 mins. The lady who was taking my order ended up just giving me my meal for free. She was like "I was waiting for you to get off the phone to tell you I was just going to handle it for you, I'm not going to let anyone starve!" I was SO touched. Like, I was having a rough 24 hours and the fact that she did this nice thing for me seriously was going to make me cry. I was uber thankful for her sweet gesture. I love how when I'm feeling down and out a stranger always comes along and reminds me of why I shouldn't give up. It's the universe giving you little memos along the way, you've just gotta listen.

So to the kind lady at the bagel place, thank you SO much. You did so much more than you could ever imagine for me that day!

Managed to give this drink a try. Didn't realize that there was milk in it and ended up getting sick. Apparently my lactose intolerance has come back. Full force.

I also did a candle exchange at Bath & Body Works I was disappointed in. Usually if I do product for product even exchange it's not a problem. Candle for candle. But the lady at this store decided to scan the candles and went off their price. So for the two I went in to exchange she only let me get one. That's never in the years I've been shopping at BBW ever happen!! I love BBW but I've noticed lately that they haven't been that great with in store exchanges or customer service. I'm a little glad I've been loving Yankee Candle a bit more recently. They don't pull shady crap like that.

*edit. I just called customer service about it and they said I was suppose to get two candles for my two. Strange.

 I was hit with intense stomach pains for hours so Nick made me a fluffy nest on the couch and some creamy chicken soup. I couldn't move so I couldn't feed myself so he handed me Norman to help. Who's in worse shape than I'm in lol. He legit filmed the entire struggle of me trying to get this straw-to-soup thing to work though.

Woke up to this email! Nick and I made it on the Influensters email! How cool is that?!? You can watch the review we did here!

I can't get over the look on Sophie's face here. Nick grabbed her for kisses and she was struggling then she just... gave up. She looks like she's smiling but she also looked really really scared lmfao!

Of course all was forgiven with the help of her favorite food in the world --- cheese. She will literally jump on you for it. And steal it out of your hand.

Woke up with a migraine Saturday morning so decided to do some lightweight cleaning and laundry and lit candles around the apartment. Anything to make it more zen and peaceful. 

I'm loving this new scent from Bath & Body Works Spring collection this year. This was one Nick actually picked up and liked (he's totally anti BBW and pro Yankee Candle). Plus it's pink so it fits on my vanity prefectly. Also, I can never find my NYX Jumbo Pencil in Milk. I swear every time I use it, it grows legs and walks away right after...

Here's to hoping I feel better soon!

I know everyone says this about every month but I mean... seriously. Can you believe it's already SEPTEMBER?! Because I sure as hell can NOT. I feel like I wait entire lifetimes for this month to come around because I just love it so much! 

September means Fall is right around the corner. Pumpkin Spice everything is coming out. The weather gets cooler (yes even here in Florida it does drop a little bit. But it's enough to get me excited!). Halloweeeeennnnnnn. Fall home decor, nuff said. Fall scents. Pumpkins. And everything spooky! It also means me and Nick have survived 5 months together --- without killing each other and Sophie's six month adoption day is this month! Yup! It's been six months since Sophie has found her forever home and she's very very loved here. Not just by Nick and I but also by Nick's sister and his mother. Little Soph has a legit family. 

It's been awhile since I've done one of these posts but since Fall is when I feel the most alive I figured why not start it up again!

I probably should had posted this yesterday or last night but we got home late so naturally I'm posting it today! Still debating on if I should skip a weekly recap post. 

So first off Happy Birthday to one of the most amazing, caring, compassionate, sweetest, brutally honest, adorable and frustrating person I know. Thank you for everything you do for Sophie and I. Your care does not go unnoticed. We are both very thankful for you babes. Thank you for caring about me as intensely as you do, for always making sure I'm okay and I'm completely stress free even if you're holding the weight of the world on your shoulders you never fail to put me first. I'm glad you had a good birthday babe, I didn't get to spoil you as much as I wanted to (you should be scared when Christmas rolls by) but I'm still feeling rather accomplished. I love you so much, never forget that! Here's to many more years of frustration, adventures and love.

Yesterday was pretty busy.

The day before babes went to a wedding and came home a bit tipsy with way too much energy and started his birthday off with an epic pillow fight with me (seriously the most random thing ever) then we fell asleep while watching anime. This one particular one always puts me to sleep. It's insane. I'm trying so hard to pay attention and I always end up falling asleep! It's not that it's even boring. I don't know what it is, it's strange how that happens lol.

I feel like I've been away in some other universe for like, a month. At least that what it feels like. But it's been a really really great month.

Started Dating Nick 

Yeah, that happened. That's a thing now and I don't mind as much as I thought I would. Yeah divorce sucks and it's something super emotionally heavy but the moment you realize you deserve better and don't back down... there's no turning back from that. What he did? There's no turning back for either. I can not give him an ounce of forgiveness no matter what moment of clarity he randomly had after his whore left. I wasn't expecting to date anyone. That's why I got Sophie. I was gonna move into my own place; just me and Sophie. Then Nick comes along and just messes all of that up.

Our first date lasted about 10 hours and we had lunch at Rainforest Cafe (with a real thunderstorm) and we were walking by Basin on our way to World of Disney sharing an umbrella and he goes "I really want to kiss you right now." and I was like "go for it." so he kisses me and it's like instant boost of attraction I just couldn't get enough of his kisses! We ended the date at Universal City Walk and I got Cinnabon!! Seriously, dreams. Came. True. Spent the rest of the week with Nick as much as possible. He lives an hour away so it's sort of a long distance relationship. Sort of. I don't have a car. So...

Sophie 

Sophie is doing a lot better now than when we got her. She loves to play and cuddle and bother you lol. She's always crawling all over my lap and smacking me with her tail. Silly girl. But she's gaining weight and she looks a lot healthier now. So that's good and she loves playing this chasing game we do at night. She's so silly. But she's my adorable silly!

Adventures 

Nick and I have this thing where we like to go on adventures. Basically any random place we go to even if we've been there before is considered an adventure. A trip to a new organic grocery store is an adventure and I love how down he is to just be like "yeah okay, let's go!" or when he suggests stuff we should do. So it's been pretty fun and exciting being around him cause you never know where he's going to go. But I've started compiling a list of places we should go or places we should check out to eat. So I'm pretty excited to finally have an adventure/foodie partner!

Like I said, I feel like I've been gone for awhile so sorry if this post sounded a little scatterbrained. 

I'm a sucker for things like this --- writing letters to your younger self. Because if you could go back and say something to the younger, confused, hurting version of you after everything you've been through, what would you say? I had a lot to say and this doesn't even cover most of it.

I decided to pick when I was 16, because that is when majority of the things started happening to me. That's when things got better and when they got very very bad. 

I know I'm technically suppose to be writing about this in my mental health blog but I figured, hazearella also has to do with my life so every now and then I will be sprinkling a bit of this and that here. 

It is now February. And Valentines Day is coming up pretty soon. In ten days. And this is the first year I'm without a Valentine and my mom isn't here to make it better. But I will brave through it. I will stay strong and eat my ice cream and marathon FRIENDS or The Mindy Project or One Tree Hill. I'll be fine. I won't go into a mental breakdown like I did on Christmas.

So today was my first time ever seeing a therapist about something other than OCD. I've done therapy before but mostly it was based around my OCD so I didn't spend so much talking about me exactly. The lady I met with was recommended by my MD and she's a marriage therapist. But there was no way he would go since  he thinks therapy is stupid so I went alone. It's better if I did, I needed to get a bit off my chest. So as I was telling her the story of why I'm sitting in her office, I mentioned the part where I wasn't allowed to meet his "BFF" nor was I allowed to visit him at work and she literally spit up her water back in her water bottle and her eyes went big "THAT is a red flag." *nods in agreement*. I had a whole hour with her in which I wouldn't shut up, but that's why you go, to talk. And she was very understanding and patient with me noting that I have a lot it seems that I need to work through, which I do. As ignoring it only increases my resentment. Unless it's days like this where I'm too tired to really care. I asked her for any tips on how to work on resentment and she basically told me that it's up to me to come to terms with it and let it go. 

But just like my mom suggested, I need to focus on me and loving me and taking care of me and being selfish enough to put me first. And it's hard. I think that's a trait I share with my mom and my brother, I always feel like I have to take care of something or someone. Like I just like helping I guess. But when it comes to me, I'm at a loss. And maybe that's part of the reason why I SHOULD take this time to myself. What would make me happy? What calms me down? What relaxes me? 

So I'll be seeing her again in four weeks --- alone. We'll see how this goes.

I was browsing through Google+ and realized I did nothing with my page because I forgot I moved. So my Google+ page was pretty much empty and I happened upon a friend from France that is impossible to keep in contact with. Cyril, if you're reading this, yes, I'm talking about you. I miss you. TALK TO ME lol.

I'm getting anxiety just thinking about this topic because I didn't know when to write it or what to say or anything. It's 8PM and I should be eating dinner, folding laundry and doing homework but all I can think about is this big huge thing I need you guys to know because it's this big huge thing that is happening that I can't just pretend it's not.

This was a picture taken on my 29th birthday.

Five years ago last month in December I got married. Eleven years ago this month I started officially dating my best friend. We were always best friends, we never lied to each other and while things weren't perfect they weren't really worth bringing up or fighting over. But maybe they were and maybe things would had been different if they would had been brought up.

Last May M started lying and hiding things from me. Last month he changed all his passwords (even though I literally made all of his email and social media accounts). There's a lot more that goes into that but I don't want to talk about the details here, because while this is my lifestyle blog and this is a big part of my life, I don't want that energy here. If you want to know more then click here for my mental health blog where I'll be breaking it down sometime. I haven't really decided when.

Last month after months of trying to fix things, and understand things better... at the end of the day it ended up all the same --- me with my feelings hurt. Me crying all night. Me with my heartbroken. Him not home until 3AM. Me self harming. I was spiraling down a hole I had been in for such a long time as a teenager and I thought I was okay. I thought I would be okay. Ten years and I'm not. I'm literally fuckin back to where I started.

So I called it quits. I couldn't do it anymore. One person can't try while the other keeps doing what hurts someone. And he just didn't and still doesn't get it. You hear about people getting divorced all the time and you think it's just this thing, like the only thing that hurts would be walking away. But it's so much more than that when you're in it. It's like pain, everywhere. Resentment, everywhere. Questions that don't have answers, everywhere. And it's all in your face swirling around you and all you can do is try not to let those thoughts and those feelings get the best of you because you're fucked if you do.

I don't know how I feel. At first I was angry, BEYOND angry. Then I was sad. Really really sad. Then I was angry again. Then I just didn't care anymore. It's gotten to the point where he's lied so much I don't believe anything he says so I just don't talk to him. I don't trust him. I don't spend time with him if I don't have to. I don't try to be his friend. Cause we're not. We're not friends. And the fact that I'm across the country from my family with a brand new apartment to just have this drop on me... I'm trying the best I can to stay busy and positive.

So there, there's my bare it all raw entry. 

I'm in the process of getting divorced and I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm resentful, I'm happy, I'm relieved, I'm scared, I'm confident, I'm drowning, I'm fighting stay above water... I'm disappointed I think, more than anything. To know that after all we've been through... one thing or one person had the ability to make him lie to me. Straight to my face. Over and over. And that's not okay. I know I'm suppose to be this really positive person and I try but honestly, I hope she gets attacked by a Koala and burns in hell. And the other girl? I hope she burns in hell too. For your husband to let some 19 year old call you a crazy bitch for a week and not defend you? Yeah, you both can go to hell.