So in my last update I still fairly new to doing research and picking a moving company.

Well, I'm happy to report I picked one! I sent out emails mid last week to the companies I decided not to go with and most were understanding through one in particular did not like the fact that I did no decide to go with them. I found this reaction to be very surprising as well as unprofessional! They took the contents of my original email and somehow turned it as me personally attacking them. I'm like, I don't have time for this. How crazy.

Now I just have to send in my deposit; probably edit my inventory list with them and see about the furniture that I'm setting to get rid of. I have a friend who offered to take whatever I don't want but I'm a little worried as I live on the 3rd floor and I'm not sure if you can fit a couch and several other pieces in a car. 

I've decided to get rid of most if not all of the things I either bought or acquired in my last relationship because I just don't want any of that energy from that part of my life around anymore. It was a really hard situation and I just feel like by moving to another state I have the chance to start over and put all of it behind me, if that makes sense. Plus, all of this stuff is stuff I don't use and will likely not use once I move.

I've started the process of sorting through things in my kitchen drawers and cabinets as well as the fridge and freezer, only keeping things that realistically should be there. I haven't attempted to attack the pantry just yet but I will SOON! It feels so nice to have a tidy (and damn near empty) fridge and freezer! As well as cleared off kitchen counters! I don't know what it is about it, but it's like ah. I've started to take things down as well and I'll be packing up the bookshelf out in the living room first, then sorting through the papers in the desk I'll be giving away next. 

My room is going to be the most stressful of the places to pack and I know I should probably sort through things. 

Especially this mess of things! 

This is where all my makeup that doesn't have a "home" goes. I honestly don't remember what's all in here. But it definitely needs sorting and real homes lol. 

I need to call utility places today to cancel my internet and electric for my day of move before they try renewing my contract. And also find out what electric and internet companies are in Texas and how much it'll cost to turn it all on. 

So I just went and made half of those calls just now.

One of the problems now being that my ex didn't pay off the AT&T bill like he was suppose to for the last month we had their service and so I'm pretty sure unless I pay that insane amount I won't be able to turn my internet on at my new place since they use AT&T, awesome.

This is why you shouldn't have no one move in unless they're on the lease and WILL pay you half for EVERYTHING. Ugh, I'm so annoyed. I'll figure something out, somehow.

Other than trying to decide on an electric company and the internet situation as well as paying the deposit on the moving truck; mostly sorting, cleaning up/out and the beginning stages of packing are my main concern for this week and next week.

I don't see why packing is so hard to START (I mean, my anxiety and OCD kind of stop me a bit from it all as well) because as soon as I start I don't stop until at least half if not more than half of it is done. It just takes a lot of time. And I don't want to do what my ex did last time and just throw anything and everything into whatever box cause that was hell and is still hell since I can't find a bunch of important things. I normally separate things by room/section by box. I don't do none of that random throw things in a box mess cause unpacking is just as stressful as packing! And it can sometimes be even MORE overwhelming than actually packing and moving. I'm trying to make it easy on myself and getting rid of things I absolutely don't need or won't use when I get there so I don't have to deal with finding that stuff a place to go even if it's "temporary". I might as well just get it all out and over with before I even get there.

I also need to back up my files like crazy, that part I tend to forget sometimes.

I know I've moved from CA to FL twice and from FL to CA once. But that was before; before I had furniture and a cat. Despite how much I have accomplished and achieved and gotten done on my own for some reason when it comes to this move I feel... lost.

I wanted to start a bit of a series to document my move and I'll try my hardest to be honest and real and raw and update as frequently as I can. More for my sake than anyone else's, just so I can look back on this later.

Honestly I started blogging in 1999 because my mom kept reading my journals and I wrote because I've always had this fear of forgetting things and so I'd keep a record of my day no matter how exciting or mundane it was and in 2008 I started blogging about makeup to keep track of things I already had to avoid double purchasing. Somehow I lost track of that. So with this, I'm trying to recapture this. 

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Moving from a different state to another state is kinda... stressful. 

Besides having to pack everything, pull everything apart and things like that there's also payments to wrap up as well as payments to start, plane tickets to get to the new state, moving companies, cleaning services and lots of other things like that. In all honesty, I SHOULD be packing my stuff in boxes like RIGHT NOW but my anxiety stops me from a lot of things. So battling with that is a whole 'nother post on its own. 

I've looked into other moving companies, the problem with that is that it looks like all the moving companies are trying to 1up each other or talk bad about each other or "WATCH OUT FOR THIS" so it's really confusing and really hard to know who's telling the truth about what and I know it could be as simple as just Googling these companies but so many call and email on a DAILY BASIS that it's like in the middle of everything else.... argh. You know? 

The first moving company I contacted, which is a company I see around Central Florida a lot when people move quoted me $4200 for just my bedroom which includes like 8 pieces of IKEA furniture. That is INSANE. The other option they gave me was for $1500 but it would take my stuff 1-2 weeks to get there. I was pretty disappointed with this.

My boyfriend helped out a bit by finding me companies that would be much more affordable; the other place that contacted me would charge $1400 and my stuff would get there within 3 days. There's still a lot of other companies to look into however.

Right now (hopefully for the rest of this week) my main concern is sorting through all the makeup and little things I don't need or use anymore. Then moving on to the clothing I don't need or use anymore then I can start packing. So the faster I can sort through things the faster I can start packing!

So yes that is definitely going to be this week's goal!

If I had to describe February in one word it would definitely be distracted.

It didn't turn out the way I had wanted and once again I let my emotions take over and make me lose sight on some goals I had this month (as you can see I didn't post any blog posts or videos this month which yes, I am kicking myself about... I'm hoping to do better for Easter/Spring). The reason being... remember how I said I was going to Texas this month to go apartment hunting? Well, it seems as though I had booked my flight one day earlier than I was suppose to and because of all the stressors going on it slipped my mind to check before the departure date like I normally would so I didn't realize I was a no show for my flight until THAT NIGHT meaning all that packing and preparing I was doing that day was for nothing. So yeah, I missed my flight, wasn't refunded the money and I had to pay a $100 penalty for cancelling my hotel reservation "too late". I was pretty disappointed with myself for a LONG time. I still kinda am but what can you do. I was suppose to spend my Valentine's Day with Bubba but since I wasn't able to get to Texas I went online shopping at home by myself instead.

In the same week my ex came and got my phone and PS4 which I didn't mind giving either things back as long as it meant he would stop trying to contact me. He was pretty much abusive our whole relationship and I'd rather not have him contact me, ever again. Though he's the type to pretend like things were all good and "be nice" as long as it benefits him. One of those people. I'd rather just stay away from all of that and him. 

So yeah, that's how my optimistic February went down hill --- fast.

Let's take a look at the goals I had for February in this post.

I'm seriously struggling right now to come up with goals I had achieved this month. Oh bother! Ah well, you can't fit too much into a short month anyway, I suppose.

That said I will be re-attempting to go apartment hunting some time in the following month (don't worry I'll MAKE SURE to book the RIGHT day this time), the little break away from Orlando will be nice. Spring is coming up and the weather here is reflecting that which is always nice, I love Spring and Fall in Orlando the most. Easter is one of my favorite holidays and I'm so ready to deck out as much of my apartment and room in pretty pastel colors as I can. I'm so lucky my roommate doesn't care about the crazy decorations or whatever I put up. She kinda just rolls with it. So yeah.

While I did get my Canon S90 camera back (finally) I've grown pretty attached to my Sony WX300. And I'm thinking of upgrading the Canon to a G9 instead.

The last week and a half I feel like I'm just... floating on by.

It's crazy when anxiety hits you because one minute you could be totally fine and the next minute, without cause or reason, literally out of nowhere suddenly you're really really not. 

I get anxiety for a lot of reasons --- there's a lot of things that have happened recently that I know I haven't settled within myself. I haven't taken the time to grieve, to pull the events that took place apart just to put them back together to make more sense to me. I don't write about things like that anymore, I don't blog about them, I try not to talk about them. And I don't know why, I don't know why I stopped. I always feel like I can take on the world by myself; that this problem is mine and mine alone. But as of late I've just been... ignoring them. I tell myself that these things are over and done with and there's no reason to be upset or hold grudges or mourn. Like doesn't stop for anyone. So keep your head up, smile and remember that despite the things that have happened the important thing is that those days are over and they're not coming back. You're okay now. You're safe now. You're loved now. There's no need for fear or worry. There's so much in life to be thankful and happy about now. There's SO MUCH. 

But if you have anxiety, you know that even telling yourself of all the positives sometimes that shit just creeps up on you and smacks you upside the head like hey, remember me? Of course I do, can't forget someone who won't go away. 

I've been drained the last week and a half. I haven't felt like doing anything and I didn't get anything done. I did clean my kitchen which I think triggered everything; cleaning a mess that isn't mine and having to do this shit all over again. It's the little things, isn't it? That always fuck with your head when you least expect it. All I know is that I've been in a bad mood overall and easily irritated by the littest things and I don't like it. I don't like it at all. I've been hating hot baths, phone calls, text messages --- I don't want anyone to talk to me. I just wanna be left alone. And I keep crying. 

On the upside, I keep forgetting to take anti anxiety meds (which I only take now on weeks like this which doesn't happen often at all). So it must not be that bad if I keep forgetting, right?

And today I decided to get up, appreciate the sunshine and get back to work.

Anxiety is always going to come back, but it's up to me to decide how I'm going to handle it. 

It helps I have an amazing boy who will call even when he has work early the next morning and talk to me to calm me down and make sure that I'm really okay before he even thinks about going to sleep. Who can tell when my vibe has changed and will make me laugh or watch a movie or a TV show with me and wait until I'm ready to talk about it. He might not know anything about depression or anxiety but he sure does know how to ease most of it when it shows up and for that I'm incredibly thankful.

I've been drowning myself in slow jams and feel good music to try and change my mood. So far it's working.

Also, sorry this blog post didn't have any pictures, I just needed to talk today.