When I wrote yesterday's entry I wasn't aware that it was Mental Health Awareness Week. I feel like MHAW/MHAM come and go so often that it's hard to keep track of these things. Not to mention in my world, Mental Health Awareness is pretty much an every day thing.

I feel like my life has all kinds of divides and chapters when I look back on it; from the time I was 13 until my anxiety full force kicked in at 20 I struggled HEAVILY with depression and suicide. I was constantly listening to music. CONSTANTLY. There was rarely ever a time I wasn't playing music. Everything from DDR songs to 80's Light Rock to Hip Hop to R&B to Slow Jams to Techno to Alternative. 

If I had to describe February in one word it would definitely be distracted.

It didn't turn out the way I had wanted and once again I let my emotions take over and make me lose sight on some goals I had this month (as you can see I didn't post any blog posts or videos this month which yes, I am kicking myself about... I'm hoping to do better for Easter/Spring). The reason being... remember how I said I was going to Texas this month to go apartment hunting? Well, it seems as though I had booked my flight one day earlier than I was suppose to and because of all the stressors going on it slipped my mind to check before the departure date like I normally would so I didn't realize I was a no show for my flight until THAT NIGHT meaning all that packing and preparing I was doing that day was for nothing. So yeah, I missed my flight, wasn't refunded the money and I had to pay a $100 penalty for cancelling my hotel reservation "too late". I was pretty disappointed with myself for a LONG time. I still kinda am but what can you do. I was suppose to spend my Valentine's Day with Bubba but since I wasn't able to get to Texas I went online shopping at home by myself instead.

In the same week my ex came and got my phone and PS4 which I didn't mind giving either things back as long as it meant he would stop trying to contact me. He was pretty much abusive our whole relationship and I'd rather not have him contact me, ever again. Though he's the type to pretend like things were all good and "be nice" as long as it benefits him. One of those people. I'd rather just stay away from all of that and him. 

So yeah, that's how my optimistic February went down hill --- fast.

Let's take a look at the goals I had for February in this post.

I'm seriously struggling right now to come up with goals I had achieved this month. Oh bother! Ah well, you can't fit too much into a short month anyway, I suppose.

That said I will be re-attempting to go apartment hunting some time in the following month (don't worry I'll MAKE SURE to book the RIGHT day this time), the little break away from Orlando will be nice. Spring is coming up and the weather here is reflecting that which is always nice, I love Spring and Fall in Orlando the most. Easter is one of my favorite holidays and I'm so ready to deck out as much of my apartment and room in pretty pastel colors as I can. I'm so lucky my roommate doesn't care about the crazy decorations or whatever I put up. She kinda just rolls with it. So yeah.

While I did get my Canon S90 camera back (finally) I've grown pretty attached to my Sony WX300. And I'm thinking of upgrading the Canon to a G9 instead.

The last week and a half I feel like I'm just... floating on by.

It's crazy when anxiety hits you because one minute you could be totally fine and the next minute, without cause or reason, literally out of nowhere suddenly you're really really not. 

I get anxiety for a lot of reasons --- there's a lot of things that have happened recently that I know I haven't settled within myself. I haven't taken the time to grieve, to pull the events that took place apart just to put them back together to make more sense to me. I don't write about things like that anymore, I don't blog about them, I try not to talk about them. And I don't know why, I don't know why I stopped. I always feel like I can take on the world by myself; that this problem is mine and mine alone. But as of late I've just been... ignoring them. I tell myself that these things are over and done with and there's no reason to be upset or hold grudges or mourn. Like doesn't stop for anyone. So keep your head up, smile and remember that despite the things that have happened the important thing is that those days are over and they're not coming back. You're okay now. You're safe now. You're loved now. There's no need for fear or worry. There's so much in life to be thankful and happy about now. There's SO MUCH. 

But if you have anxiety, you know that even telling yourself of all the positives sometimes that shit just creeps up on you and smacks you upside the head like hey, remember me? Of course I do, can't forget someone who won't go away. 

I've been drained the last week and a half. I haven't felt like doing anything and I didn't get anything done. I did clean my kitchen which I think triggered everything; cleaning a mess that isn't mine and having to do this shit all over again. It's the little things, isn't it? That always fuck with your head when you least expect it. All I know is that I've been in a bad mood overall and easily irritated by the littest things and I don't like it. I don't like it at all. I've been hating hot baths, phone calls, text messages --- I don't want anyone to talk to me. I just wanna be left alone. And I keep crying. 

On the upside, I keep forgetting to take anti anxiety meds (which I only take now on weeks like this which doesn't happen often at all). So it must not be that bad if I keep forgetting, right?

And today I decided to get up, appreciate the sunshine and get back to work.

Anxiety is always going to come back, but it's up to me to decide how I'm going to handle it. 

It helps I have an amazing boy who will call even when he has work early the next morning and talk to me to calm me down and make sure that I'm really okay before he even thinks about going to sleep. Who can tell when my vibe has changed and will make me laugh or watch a movie or a TV show with me and wait until I'm ready to talk about it. He might not know anything about depression or anxiety but he sure does know how to ease most of it when it shows up and for that I'm incredibly thankful.

I've been drowning myself in slow jams and feel good music to try and change my mood. So far it's working.

Also, sorry this blog post didn't have any pictures, I just needed to talk today.