Last year I wrote about the Things I'm Leaving in 2020 and I thought it would be kind of fun to do this again. I know it's a bit similar to intentions and goals but I feel like you can never throw your intentions into the universe too much. There are going to be a few repeat's on this list but we'll see how many times I gotta this ish down before I get it through my thick ass skull. Shadow work. Leggo.

| Not making my health a priority

I really had so many intentions on fixing this one and while I sometimes managed to get back on track, I'd also fall off just as fast. Living in TX is really challenging for this one, I mean it doesn't HAVE to be but I'm def struggling with it especially when it comes to eating better. I truly believe that the things you eat, the entertainment you consume and the amount of physical activity you're into all have something heavy to do with your mental health.

Speaking of mental health, I'm leaving behind the fear or laziness of doing Shadow Work. Of being my own source of therapy. Of avoiding my own therapeutic hobbies because ya girl needs to reconnect with herself. I feel like I lost touch of myself after I gave birth two years ago, I've low key been too scared to examine that so I just haven't. But I need to, cause if I don't, how will I know where my direction is?

My health -- all aspects of it -- should be my highest priority.

| Hoarding

I literally don't even want to talk about this endless life long struggle. It all started as a kid. And I haven't been able to fix it because it also triggers anxiety. I low key hate finding favorite things/foods/products because if the shit ends up discontinued I get super sad. I mean, isn't that suppose to be the fun of discovering favorite new stuff? Idk, it's weird.

I get buying back ups of things that I use daily. Like cleaning supplies. Or like, hygiene stuff. But there other stuff like snacks, makeup... yeah, that habit has got to go. Especially when it comes to makeup, while I did enjoy collecting makeup once upon a time... we're not in the fairy tale forest anymore. And Tums likes to just WRECK my makeup. She doesn't know any better, I remember what it was like as a kid and fuckin up my mom's makeup just to "see what would happen". So I really can't blame her. But I also shouldn't have makeup that I have no intention to use either??? I get being in that mindset when I was younger but now that I'm older with a kid, it really puts things into perspective. 

| Selling myself short

Another life long struggle of mine. If there's anything 2021 has proved to me it's that even if I feel out of touch with myself, it hasn't changed my drive to create or better myself. It's harder to see these things in yourself, but my friends have been constantly reminding me this year that I can do everything I want and that I make things happen.

I need to leave behind the ideal that I "can't" do something. Tums has started saying she can't do something when I know she can. I need to start believing in myself the way my friends and Tums do, because I know I CAN be capable of so much but I spent this year telling myself I wasn't. And while 2021 turned out better than I expected, I did carry a lot of self doubt. Imagine if I hadn't.

I'm not saying I'm going to walk around thinking I'm the shit at everything, but def at least the things I KNOW I'm the shit at. Or at least ditch the idea of self doubt when it comes to a project or a job.  

| Avoiding rest

I tend to work nonstop, I don't know how to take a break or to rest. And within the last year I have even stopped taking my daily bubble baths just because I just don't feel like I have the time anymore to take them. I have stopped everything that was used as a hobby of rest. The only days I have to even sleep in are Sundays, so that's what I do. But even then, the rest of Sunday is spent catching up on things or doing laundry and cleaning the whole apartment while there's no one there to bother me.

I know this one is going to be hard to fix; But I really want to make rest a priority, I guess it goes hand in hand with keeping my health also a priority. 

| Avoiding conflict

I recently found out this is a trauma response. I like to think I've learned how to pick my battles. But I know there are some situations where I need to say my shit. And I still don't. I almost physically can't and I use to be SO good at starting conflict so how did this happen? Who hurt me? Oh, right, my narc ex who would gaslight me in circles and make me feel like I was losing my mind for trying to stand up for myself. And if that wasn't enough, when he ran out of fake reasons he resulted to physical abuse.

I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to undo this since it's one of those things that are kind of just lodged in your brain and when the chance to participate in conflict comes up, your brain just stops. I'm trying to be better at standing my ground again, but the times when I really need to, I still struggle with it.

I do make it known my boundaries are solid. And even that can get arguments started, but it's a start in standing up for myself.

Never thought I'd miss being the reckless angry kid who just burned bridges for fun.  

| Using shopping as a stress reliever 

This is one of my favorite toxic traits. I know, that sounds freakin horrible, but it's true! My dad use to tell me that I either need to control my spending or marry someone who makes enough money to support my insane spending. I was like 21 at the time. Not much as changed since then.

I don't shop as much any more. Mostly since I lost all my high limit cards, but I still need to be more mindful of the things I buy and no just go crazy since I have the money to. I did pretty well about it in 2021, until I lost Sophie. Then I just went on a weird shopping rampage, as if that was going to make me feel better.

I need to find/adapt healthier ways to ease stress, for sure.

| Keeping up with people who don't matter

Guilty pleasure right here.

It's definitely not as bad as it use to be. I don't find much time to check up on people who aren't in my life any more. Low key thankful I'm that busy now to not find time for it. But in the dark moments when I allow my darkness to just run with shit I find myself doing just that.

And honestly, there's no good reason to even spend my energy and mind space on things that won't move my life and goals forward. They're not in my life for a reason and that is totally fine. That happens. We out grow people. We change, so our circle will eventually change. That's just life. There's no epic reason to why sometimes we fall out of touch with some people and there's sometimes not epic reason to why these things just happen.

Despite knowing this, I still play the did I do something wrong complex when I really shouldn't. And even if I did and they decided to just ghost me instead of talk it out? Then whatever. Why should I care. We fight for the relationships in our lives we want to keep and if someone doesn't find value in a relationship with you, then they don't. There's 7 billion people in this world. Like???

I really need to spend that time (no matter how little time that is) improving myself and my life.

What are some things you're leaving in 2021?

No idea why I waited this long to start doing recap posts but here we are lol! I know it's way late but I'm still going to recap November since a lot seemed to happen... 

READ

I didn't finish my October Reading Challenge this year and I'm low key upset about that but it is what it is; reading now a days is a lot harder with a clingy toddler to watch/take care of and a whole business to run. I did manage to finish one book but I kinda hated it so.

SAW

I don't think I watched anything different this month? I can't remember if I watched Hamilton in October or November but that was the most recent new thing I've watched and I AM OBSESSED. No joke.

DID

I went back to dying my hair teal again; I love it. It makes me feel like me so much!

I've been loving the new update for Animal Crossing: New Horizon. I managed to get on a shooting star island from Kappa. THAT was freakin cool. I see all these crazy Happy Home Designer houses on Instagram and I'm like just how. I'm so off my designing game. Speaking of games, I also resubbed to FFXIV to prep for the new expansion but didn't end up finding time to catch up.

I also got my first tarot card deck! Casey has been trying to help me understand it more but it's been awesome being able to do my own reading. I like to ask a lot of questions lol.

I managed to spend some of my time in Orlando for the holidays! I'm so so glad I was able to go home! I'm disappointed Magic Kingdom had less Christmas stuff and more 50th Anniversary stuff. I mean, I get it, I do, but like come on?! I also got to go to Universal for the first time and it was so epic! I loved it! I got to see my friend Angely as well who I haven't seen in years. It was so nice to catch up with her and see her play with Tums. Which Tums was not about her at first but she softened her up with Honey Buns and food. She's def my kid lol.

I went back to certain places to change memories. It was crazy going back to those places and realizing how much time has passed. How much I've changed since then. 

No one really knows the significance of this stair case or this resort but it was def one memory I wanted to change while I was there. And I feel so much better now that I have.

I also spent a lot of time talking to my BFF's Audrey and Dru this month. Audrey finished her flight attendant training and I'm so so proud of her! And Dru is still... Dru lol. They both have crazy work schedules which is fine cause I have a crazy sleeping schedule. So it works out lol. I miss them both though and I really want to go home to see them!

I also started having hang out/Target dates with my friend Casey. Like, the only friend I have here in this area of Texas. And it's been fun! She's so chill and laid back and we both love Target lol. So it works. 

May was a pretty hard month; or well there was a week in it that was particularly... hard. In life people suffer loss, it's just one of those things and no matter how much we prepare ourselves or how much we think we'll be fine, we usually aren't. At least not for awhile. Ever since COVID the weeks and months just start to blur together and it gets hard to remember what I did in which month. Esp since I don't get out as much as I use to and so I don't take as many pictures as I use to either.

The week of Mother's Day Bubba was feeling worse than he had earlier so he took himself to the ER where he did test positive for COVID. He had been coughing for about a week and it was starting to get pretty bad. I had headaches (thankfully not migraines, ironically), body aches, dizziness and a low grade fever for about 2-3 days. Then I just didn't. I never had a full blown fever or coughing and congestion, at all. I retained my sense of smell and taste up until maybe the end of the week for about 2 days. Bubba had medicine and an inhaler to take. I just kept popping Emergen-C gummies and staying on top of my Vit C and trying to stay hydrated by drinking something other than soda all day. 

On Thursday that same week, my cat I adopted as a 30th birthday/post divorce gift in 2015 was having a rough day. She was diagnosed with kidney failure 5 years ago and since moving to TX she's just gotten progressively worse in various areas of her health. She started getting annual ear infections. That moved on to masses growing in her ears and eventually in her eye. She stopped bathing herself. And that's when things started to get bad really fast. The last week she hadn't been eating her medicated food but would eat human food; which she never really cared too much for anything besides cheese, whipped cream, vanilla ice cream and Cheetos. And yet the only thing she would fight you for was the cheese. Everything else, if you offered she would take. But beyond those human foods, she didn't care for anything else. She had also started crying day and night and no matter what we did to help, it just wouldn't stop.

The last time we brought her to the vet they found a mass growing behind one of her eyes, because of her age and her health they told us that they probably would decide against putting her under and taking care of the masses because it would probably hurt her more than help. We were also advised to consider not giving her rabies shots after a point, esp since she was a single indoor only cat.

So on this particular day, I noticed she seemed unable to move. Almost like she couldn't move her arms and legs. She sort of just laid there, like a pancake and hard a hard time breathing. I spent as much time as I could with her petting her and talking to her. Telling her it's okay and she did so good being the most amazing companion a person could ask for. I eventually had to go to bed because I was still recovering from COVID. 

By the time Bubba had gotten up Friday morning, she was gone.

In one week I had COVID and lost my best companion. I still don't really feel like talking to anyone about anything in particular. I'm at least feeling up to writing/blogging again but other than that... I'm just finding it to be too much energy to talk about anything. The house is a lot more quiet and feels a lot more empty without her here. Like something is definitely missing. I haven't lived anywhere in 6 years without her, and while I knew it was going to be hard, I still feel totally unprepared. It took me two weeks to really cry about it and now I just randomly burst into tears; it's like it just opened a whole gate of emotions.

Bub caught me crying one night and I woke up to these flowers and a sweet note from him and Tums.

Thank you so much for this gift Sam, it was seriously so freakin thoughtful of you and it made my day! 

2020 has definitely been a year of slow living and for most of us reflecting. It's definitely put a lot of things in my life in perspective. The things I've been doing to myself that were toxic and the things I've held on to that have also been toxic for me and my well being.

It's never really easy to admit that something you're close to is not good for you and it's hard to come to the terms to let those things you're so use to go. But while I'm letting things go and leaving them in 2020 I can hope that that means I'm making room for better more beneficial things in 2021.

On with the show;