I know I'm technically suppose to be writing about this in my mental health blog but I figured, hazearella also has to do with my life so every now and then I will be sprinkling a bit of this and that here. 

It is now February. And Valentines Day is coming up pretty soon. In ten days. And this is the first year I'm without a Valentine and my mom isn't here to make it better. But I will brave through it. I will stay strong and eat my ice cream and marathon FRIENDS or The Mindy Project or One Tree Hill. I'll be fine. I won't go into a mental breakdown like I did on Christmas.

So today was my first time ever seeing a therapist about something other than OCD. I've done therapy before but mostly it was based around my OCD so I didn't spend so much talking about me exactly. The lady I met with was recommended by my MD and she's a marriage therapist. But there was no way he would go since  he thinks therapy is stupid so I went alone. It's better if I did, I needed to get a bit off my chest. So as I was telling her the story of why I'm sitting in her office, I mentioned the part where I wasn't allowed to meet his "BFF" nor was I allowed to visit him at work and she literally spit up her water back in her water bottle and her eyes went big "THAT is a red flag." *nods in agreement*. I had a whole hour with her in which I wouldn't shut up, but that's why you go, to talk. And she was very understanding and patient with me noting that I have a lot it seems that I need to work through, which I do. As ignoring it only increases my resentment. Unless it's days like this where I'm too tired to really care. I asked her for any tips on how to work on resentment and she basically told me that it's up to me to come to terms with it and let it go. 

But just like my mom suggested, I need to focus on me and loving me and taking care of me and being selfish enough to put me first. And it's hard. I think that's a trait I share with my mom and my brother, I always feel like I have to take care of something or someone. Like I just like helping I guess. But when it comes to me, I'm at a loss. And maybe that's part of the reason why I SHOULD take this time to myself. What would make me happy? What calms me down? What relaxes me? 

So I'll be seeing her again in four weeks --- alone. We'll see how this goes.

So.... it's the end of January now (literally, it's the 31st) and... I duuuuuno... the month sort of just slipped passed me in a way. Like I literally don't remember that much of January. It's weird, it's like one day I was walking out of my bedroom and looking around my apartment thinking this place is a mess! It almost felt like I wasn't even here for the last week. Like I checked out to LaLa Land or something. It was strange. Though to be fair, the last few months have sort of been strange. A daze of clouded memories, various stages of pain and just being sad and suicidal. I know no one likes to hear about that and I have a completely separate blog in which I get into the details of it but I will bring it up from time to time here too because it is a big part of my every day life.

I know I had a list of things I was hoping to get done by the end of the month... which I swear I COULD HAD achieved, had I not checked out. But to be fair, I spent a week in the weirdest painful sickness ever because my dumbass was going through drug withdrawal since I messed up my med count. So I went five days without and it was awful which is crazy because my dose is really really small. I couldn't imagine the people who took Xanax and had to be taken off of it for whatever reason. It's almost like you just want to die. Never again. So about a week of that went on. I tried to update my twitter and instagram as frequently as I could though.

Really don't know the purpose of this post. Just to say hi I guess. I'm still here! Valentines Day is coming up and I don't have any tutorials (I would LOVE to do tutorials but honestly, I'm as blind as a bat --- maybe worse --- without my glasses. I've thought about contacts but I think I look weird without glasses and I have a slight fear of getting the contacts in my eyes.) coming up. I do plan on doing some Valentines Day candy reviews. Valentines Day is sorta my jam when it comes to candy. Just because everything looks all pretty and girly. I also have brief restaurants to review but I think I'm going to post full reviews on my food blog just because I need to get that thing up and running again. And also I have some DIY idea's, I just need to find a way to properly film them. Don't you ever wish there was two of you? Cause I know every time I try to get M to film my videos they always come out wrong and I get super frustrated cause he's not listening to me lol!

I might end up doing more blog posts than actual videos just because some of the stuff I wanna talk about there's isn't enough to say to include it in a video.

Hoping to at least film a Jan Favs video soon! And talk about the 3 Julep boxes I got in January. Totally shoulda got on this earlier. For shame Hazel, for shame!

I was browsing through Google+ and realized I did nothing with my page because I forgot I moved. So my Google+ page was pretty much empty and I happened upon a friend from France that is impossible to keep in contact with. Cyril, if you're reading this, yes, I'm talking about you. I miss you. TALK TO ME lol.

I'm getting anxiety just thinking about this topic because I didn't know when to write it or what to say or anything. It's 8PM and I should be eating dinner, folding laundry and doing homework but all I can think about is this big huge thing I need you guys to know because it's this big huge thing that is happening that I can't just pretend it's not.

This was a picture taken on my 29th birthday.

Five years ago last month in December I got married. Eleven years ago this month I started officially dating my best friend. We were always best friends, we never lied to each other and while things weren't perfect they weren't really worth bringing up or fighting over. But maybe they were and maybe things would had been different if they would had been brought up.

Last May M started lying and hiding things from me. Last month he changed all his passwords (even though I literally made all of his email and social media accounts). There's a lot more that goes into that but I don't want to talk about the details here, because while this is my lifestyle blog and this is a big part of my life, I don't want that energy here. If you want to know more then click here for my mental health blog where I'll be breaking it down sometime. I haven't really decided when.

Last month after months of trying to fix things, and understand things better... at the end of the day it ended up all the same --- me with my feelings hurt. Me crying all night. Me with my heartbroken. Him not home until 3AM. Me self harming. I was spiraling down a hole I had been in for such a long time as a teenager and I thought I was okay. I thought I would be okay. Ten years and I'm not. I'm literally fuckin back to where I started.

So I called it quits. I couldn't do it anymore. One person can't try while the other keeps doing what hurts someone. And he just didn't and still doesn't get it. You hear about people getting divorced all the time and you think it's just this thing, like the only thing that hurts would be walking away. But it's so much more than that when you're in it. It's like pain, everywhere. Resentment, everywhere. Questions that don't have answers, everywhere. And it's all in your face swirling around you and all you can do is try not to let those thoughts and those feelings get the best of you because you're fucked if you do.

I don't know how I feel. At first I was angry, BEYOND angry. Then I was sad. Really really sad. Then I was angry again. Then I just didn't care anymore. It's gotten to the point where he's lied so much I don't believe anything he says so I just don't talk to him. I don't trust him. I don't spend time with him if I don't have to. I don't try to be his friend. Cause we're not. We're not friends. And the fact that I'm across the country from my family with a brand new apartment to just have this drop on me... I'm trying the best I can to stay busy and positive.

So there, there's my bare it all raw entry. 

I'm in the process of getting divorced and I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm resentful, I'm happy, I'm relieved, I'm scared, I'm confident, I'm drowning, I'm fighting stay above water... I'm disappointed I think, more than anything. To know that after all we've been through... one thing or one person had the ability to make him lie to me. Straight to my face. Over and over. And that's not okay. I know I'm suppose to be this really positive person and I try but honestly, I hope she gets attacked by a Koala and burns in hell. And the other girl? I hope she burns in hell too. For your husband to let some 19 year old call you a crazy bitch for a week and not defend you? Yeah, you both can go to hell.