When I wrote yesterday's entry I wasn't aware that it was Mental Health Awareness Week. I feel like MHAW/MHAM come and go so often that it's hard to keep track of these things. Not to mention in my world, Mental Health Awareness is pretty much an every day thing.

I feel like my life has all kinds of divides and chapters when I look back on it; from the time I was 13 until my anxiety full force kicked in at 20 I struggled HEAVILY with depression and suicide. I was constantly listening to music. CONSTANTLY. There was rarely ever a time I wasn't playing music. Everything from DDR songs to 80's Light Rock to Hip Hop to R&B to Slow Jams to Techno to Alternative. 

The last week and a half I feel like I'm just... floating on by.

It's crazy when anxiety hits you because one minute you could be totally fine and the next minute, without cause or reason, literally out of nowhere suddenly you're really really not. 

I get anxiety for a lot of reasons --- there's a lot of things that have happened recently that I know I haven't settled within myself. I haven't taken the time to grieve, to pull the events that took place apart just to put them back together to make more sense to me. I don't write about things like that anymore, I don't blog about them, I try not to talk about them. And I don't know why, I don't know why I stopped. I always feel like I can take on the world by myself; that this problem is mine and mine alone. But as of late I've just been... ignoring them. I tell myself that these things are over and done with and there's no reason to be upset or hold grudges or mourn. Like doesn't stop for anyone. So keep your head up, smile and remember that despite the things that have happened the important thing is that those days are over and they're not coming back. You're okay now. You're safe now. You're loved now. There's no need for fear or worry. There's so much in life to be thankful and happy about now. There's SO MUCH. 

But if you have anxiety, you know that even telling yourself of all the positives sometimes that shit just creeps up on you and smacks you upside the head like hey, remember me? Of course I do, can't forget someone who won't go away. 

I've been drained the last week and a half. I haven't felt like doing anything and I didn't get anything done. I did clean my kitchen which I think triggered everything; cleaning a mess that isn't mine and having to do this shit all over again. It's the little things, isn't it? That always fuck with your head when you least expect it. All I know is that I've been in a bad mood overall and easily irritated by the littest things and I don't like it. I don't like it at all. I've been hating hot baths, phone calls, text messages --- I don't want anyone to talk to me. I just wanna be left alone. And I keep crying. 

On the upside, I keep forgetting to take anti anxiety meds (which I only take now on weeks like this which doesn't happen often at all). So it must not be that bad if I keep forgetting, right?

And today I decided to get up, appreciate the sunshine and get back to work.

Anxiety is always going to come back, but it's up to me to decide how I'm going to handle it. 

It helps I have an amazing boy who will call even when he has work early the next morning and talk to me to calm me down and make sure that I'm really okay before he even thinks about going to sleep. Who can tell when my vibe has changed and will make me laugh or watch a movie or a TV show with me and wait until I'm ready to talk about it. He might not know anything about depression or anxiety but he sure does know how to ease most of it when it shows up and for that I'm incredibly thankful.

I've been drowning myself in slow jams and feel good music to try and change my mood. So far it's working.

Also, sorry this blog post didn't have any pictures, I just needed to talk today.

I know everyone says this about every month but I mean... seriously. Can you believe it's already SEPTEMBER?! Because I sure as hell can NOT. I feel like I wait entire lifetimes for this month to come around because I just love it so much! 

September means Fall is right around the corner. Pumpkin Spice everything is coming out. The weather gets cooler (yes even here in Florida it does drop a little bit. But it's enough to get me excited!). Halloweeeeennnnnnn. Fall home decor, nuff said. Fall scents. Pumpkins. And everything spooky! It also means me and Nick have survived 5 months together --- without killing each other and Sophie's six month adoption day is this month! Yup! It's been six months since Sophie has found her forever home and she's very very loved here. Not just by Nick and I but also by Nick's sister and his mother. Little Soph has a legit family. 

It's been awhile since I've done one of these posts but since Fall is when I feel the most alive I figured why not start it up again!

I know I'm technically suppose to be writing about this in my mental health blog but I figured, hazearella also has to do with my life so every now and then I will be sprinkling a bit of this and that here. 

It is now February. And Valentines Day is coming up pretty soon. In ten days. And this is the first year I'm without a Valentine and my mom isn't here to make it better. But I will brave through it. I will stay strong and eat my ice cream and marathon FRIENDS or The Mindy Project or One Tree Hill. I'll be fine. I won't go into a mental breakdown like I did on Christmas.

So today was my first time ever seeing a therapist about something other than OCD. I've done therapy before but mostly it was based around my OCD so I didn't spend so much talking about me exactly. The lady I met with was recommended by my MD and she's a marriage therapist. But there was no way he would go since  he thinks therapy is stupid so I went alone. It's better if I did, I needed to get a bit off my chest. So as I was telling her the story of why I'm sitting in her office, I mentioned the part where I wasn't allowed to meet his "BFF" nor was I allowed to visit him at work and she literally spit up her water back in her water bottle and her eyes went big "THAT is a red flag." *nods in agreement*. I had a whole hour with her in which I wouldn't shut up, but that's why you go, to talk. And she was very understanding and patient with me noting that I have a lot it seems that I need to work through, which I do. As ignoring it only increases my resentment. Unless it's days like this where I'm too tired to really care. I asked her for any tips on how to work on resentment and she basically told me that it's up to me to come to terms with it and let it go. 

But just like my mom suggested, I need to focus on me and loving me and taking care of me and being selfish enough to put me first. And it's hard. I think that's a trait I share with my mom and my brother, I always feel like I have to take care of something or someone. Like I just like helping I guess. But when it comes to me, I'm at a loss. And maybe that's part of the reason why I SHOULD take this time to myself. What would make me happy? What calms me down? What relaxes me? 

So I'll be seeing her again in four weeks --- alone. We'll see how this goes.

So.... it's the end of January now (literally, it's the 31st) and... I duuuuuno... the month sort of just slipped passed me in a way. Like I literally don't remember that much of January. It's weird, it's like one day I was walking out of my bedroom and looking around my apartment thinking this place is a mess! It almost felt like I wasn't even here for the last week. Like I checked out to LaLa Land or something. It was strange. Though to be fair, the last few months have sort of been strange. A daze of clouded memories, various stages of pain and just being sad and suicidal. I know no one likes to hear about that and I have a completely separate blog in which I get into the details of it but I will bring it up from time to time here too because it is a big part of my every day life.

I know I had a list of things I was hoping to get done by the end of the month... which I swear I COULD HAD achieved, had I not checked out. But to be fair, I spent a week in the weirdest painful sickness ever because my dumbass was going through drug withdrawal since I messed up my med count. So I went five days without and it was awful which is crazy because my dose is really really small. I couldn't imagine the people who took Xanax and had to be taken off of it for whatever reason. It's almost like you just want to die. Never again. So about a week of that went on. I tried to update my twitter and instagram as frequently as I could though.

Really don't know the purpose of this post. Just to say hi I guess. I'm still here! Valentines Day is coming up and I don't have any tutorials (I would LOVE to do tutorials but honestly, I'm as blind as a bat --- maybe worse --- without my glasses. I've thought about contacts but I think I look weird without glasses and I have a slight fear of getting the contacts in my eyes.) coming up. I do plan on doing some Valentines Day candy reviews. Valentines Day is sorta my jam when it comes to candy. Just because everything looks all pretty and girly. I also have brief restaurants to review but I think I'm going to post full reviews on my food blog just because I need to get that thing up and running again. And also I have some DIY idea's, I just need to find a way to properly film them. Don't you ever wish there was two of you? Cause I know every time I try to get M to film my videos they always come out wrong and I get super frustrated cause he's not listening to me lol!

I might end up doing more blog posts than actual videos just because some of the stuff I wanna talk about there's isn't enough to say to include it in a video.

Hoping to at least film a Jan Favs video soon! And talk about the 3 Julep boxes I got in January. Totally shoulda got on this earlier. For shame Hazel, for shame!

I was browsing through Google+ and realized I did nothing with my page because I forgot I moved. So my Google+ page was pretty much empty and I happened upon a friend from France that is impossible to keep in contact with. Cyril, if you're reading this, yes, I'm talking about you. I miss you. TALK TO ME lol.

I'm getting anxiety just thinking about this topic because I didn't know when to write it or what to say or anything. It's 8PM and I should be eating dinner, folding laundry and doing homework but all I can think about is this big huge thing I need you guys to know because it's this big huge thing that is happening that I can't just pretend it's not.

This was a picture taken on my 29th birthday.

Five years ago last month in December I got married. Eleven years ago this month I started officially dating my best friend. We were always best friends, we never lied to each other and while things weren't perfect they weren't really worth bringing up or fighting over. But maybe they were and maybe things would had been different if they would had been brought up.

Last May M started lying and hiding things from me. Last month he changed all his passwords (even though I literally made all of his email and social media accounts). There's a lot more that goes into that but I don't want to talk about the details here, because while this is my lifestyle blog and this is a big part of my life, I don't want that energy here. If you want to know more then click here for my mental health blog where I'll be breaking it down sometime. I haven't really decided when.

Last month after months of trying to fix things, and understand things better... at the end of the day it ended up all the same --- me with my feelings hurt. Me crying all night. Me with my heartbroken. Him not home until 3AM. Me self harming. I was spiraling down a hole I had been in for such a long time as a teenager and I thought I was okay. I thought I would be okay. Ten years and I'm not. I'm literally fuckin back to where I started.

So I called it quits. I couldn't do it anymore. One person can't try while the other keeps doing what hurts someone. And he just didn't and still doesn't get it. You hear about people getting divorced all the time and you think it's just this thing, like the only thing that hurts would be walking away. But it's so much more than that when you're in it. It's like pain, everywhere. Resentment, everywhere. Questions that don't have answers, everywhere. And it's all in your face swirling around you and all you can do is try not to let those thoughts and those feelings get the best of you because you're fucked if you do.

I don't know how I feel. At first I was angry, BEYOND angry. Then I was sad. Really really sad. Then I was angry again. Then I just didn't care anymore. It's gotten to the point where he's lied so much I don't believe anything he says so I just don't talk to him. I don't trust him. I don't spend time with him if I don't have to. I don't try to be his friend. Cause we're not. We're not friends. And the fact that I'm across the country from my family with a brand new apartment to just have this drop on me... I'm trying the best I can to stay busy and positive.

So there, there's my bare it all raw entry. 

I'm in the process of getting divorced and I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm resentful, I'm happy, I'm relieved, I'm scared, I'm confident, I'm drowning, I'm fighting stay above water... I'm disappointed I think, more than anything. To know that after all we've been through... one thing or one person had the ability to make him lie to me. Straight to my face. Over and over. And that's not okay. I know I'm suppose to be this really positive person and I try but honestly, I hope she gets attacked by a Koala and burns in hell. And the other girl? I hope she burns in hell too. For your husband to let some 19 year old call you a crazy bitch for a week and not defend you? Yeah, you both can go to hell.

This passed week has been.... incredible! I didn't know it at the time but it would end up being my most important week of the year.

On Tuesday I had a hair appointment. I was suppose to get a red to purple ombre but after looking it up on Pinterest I decided on something else --- a deep wine color with blond peek a boo highlights. You can see the second picture on the bottom row, that's pretty much what I got. You can also see my amazing hair stylist Hannah who spent the whole FOUR HOURS talking with me. I had SUCH a blast!

The next day I attended my first ever Yelp Elite event. Which is crazy because I've been a Yelp Elite since 2011. I was super excited because this was in a museum and there was an entire room dedicated to dinosaurs. Yes, I geeked out. We got there early so we were able to snag a lot of good food and drinks and swag before everyone else came in and it became too crowded to even walk. I had so much fun! In the second picture on the top row is a picture of me and Colleen, the wonderful lady who invited me to Yelp Elite when I moved to Orlando the first time in 2011. She was such a pleasure to finally meet! Also on the bottom left, I got my first Henna Tattoo!! I've always thought about getting one when I'm in Vegas but I never do. I love the design the artist picked, especially the detail that goes down my middle finger, that part is my favorite haha. Then the top left is me laying on one of those half ball work out things trying to crack my lower back. My hair was touching the floor and I didn't even care. I wasn't anxious, I wasn't freaking out, I wasn't thinking of anything. I was so surprised (because of my OCD there is A LOT I have avoided in the last ten years) I took a picture to remember that moment. Where my hair laid crazy on the floor and I'm happy as can be. I can't even put into words what that was like!

I started a project I've always wanted to do --- fairy lights! You take tulle and tie it between bulbs and fluff it up. It looks really cool on the tree. And the lights aren't so boring. Now I want to turn all the lights we have into fairy lights lol! I did white sparkly tulle and a small strip of gold since the colors this year are white and gold. Which is actually hard to find! I kept finding silver and picking up silver! The heck! WHERE'S THE WHITE. LIKE YOU KNOW, SNOW?!

That weekend was my first WV RTE event and I was NERVOUS. Seriously. I didn't know what to expect but everyone we ran into was sweet and helpful. It was a 9 hour event and my mentor is always pushing me to go and now I see why. It was inspiring, eye opening, it gave me hope that I can do this. Not that I ever really doubted myself but sometimes when weeks, months, don't go your way, you start to get a little hopeless. But everyone who was honored that day gave the same advice never ever quit. The best is yet to come! And I would never think about quitting. Regardless of my status in this company one thing is for sure --- it has changed my life. The positivity, the people I get to work with, what we do... I have this amazing thing in front of me that I can grab a hold of and have the life I've always DREAMED of. I am so lucky to come across something like this. It's what I've been waiting for. Another girl had said If you ask for something, trust the process. And that's something a lot of people say trust the process. And with work like this, or with anything that is in your own hands you HAVE to trust the process. It'll bring you to where you need to be or want to go. Just keep the trust.

This passed week has been amazing and it makes me want to go out and do more things I haven't done. I'm trying to step outside of my comfort zone but it's hard to tell what is and isn't in my comfort zone. What scares me? What would challenge me? What do I want to try, accomplish or succeed at? What's something I want to learn? Somewhere I want to visit. Something I want to do?

I don't know about you, but I'm very excited to see what 2015 will bring! It can't be worse than 2014!