I said yes 💍

Left ↠ Penny proposing to Axelyn in July 2016

Right ↠ Bubba’s real life engagement ring in October 2018

If you told me 2 years ago that this boy would be everything I had ever dreamed of and more. That he’d drop to one knee in real life some day and ask me to marry him, I probablyyyy wouldn’t believe you. But since our FFXIV wedding in 2016 he’s never treated me as anything less than a wife.

He is the most compassionate, patient and selfless man I’ve ever met and I am beyond excited to be spending the rest of my life with him.

It's hard to believe this may be my last trip to Dallas/Fort Worth because the next time I'm in the state I'll be a resident there \o/ I'm happy I was able to get the things I needed to get done in the short amount of time I had this this last time so whew on that. So relieved! And so excited! I'm sad to be leaving Florida; it's been my home for the last 5 years and it's the first place I made a place my home on my own. I've had so many good memories and good times and just usual's here but like I did with Cali as well, all things must come to an end. It's not like I'll never be back, I'll only be a 2 hour flight away! Plus I can't deny that I'm super stoked to start a new adventure... somewhere that's more foodie/Asian food friendly at that!

This is so out of order lol! But the first day I was there; the flight went great. I slept through most of it thankfully. Bubba took me to get Ihop after he picked me up (it wasn't awkward at all seeing each other again, I went straight into constantly hugging him and poking him) and we had breakfast. Then we stopped by a Target to find the TsumTsum Pastel Parade's which weren't at that one we were at but we ended up picking up various other things instead lol! We're such kids it's kind of ridiculous. Also introduced him to my Strawberry Refresher drink that he liked, yay! Went into PetSmart to find Sophie a house and we found some fuzzy ones that we might be able to pull the bottom pillow out of and replace with a scratching pad since she prefers/massively uses those. I'll have to see if I can find a circle one or something. But at least we found something! It might not be seasonally like the box house she had before but it's okay! 

I probably should had posted this yesterday or last night but we got home late so naturally I'm posting it today! Still debating on if I should skip a weekly recap post. 

So first off Happy Birthday to one of the most amazing, caring, compassionate, sweetest, brutally honest, adorable and frustrating person I know. Thank you for everything you do for Sophie and I. Your care does not go unnoticed. We are both very thankful for you babes. Thank you for caring about me as intensely as you do, for always making sure I'm okay and I'm completely stress free even if you're holding the weight of the world on your shoulders you never fail to put me first. I'm glad you had a good birthday babe, I didn't get to spoil you as much as I wanted to (you should be scared when Christmas rolls by) but I'm still feeling rather accomplished. I love you so much, never forget that! Here's to many more years of frustration, adventures and love.

Yesterday was pretty busy.

The day before babes went to a wedding and came home a bit tipsy with way too much energy and started his birthday off with an epic pillow fight with me (seriously the most random thing ever) then we fell asleep while watching anime. This one particular one always puts me to sleep. It's insane. I'm trying so hard to pay attention and I always end up falling asleep! It's not that it's even boring. I don't know what it is, it's strange how that happens lol.

I feel like I've been away in some other universe for like, a month. At least that what it feels like. But it's been a really really great month.

Started Dating Nick 

Yeah, that happened. That's a thing now and I don't mind as much as I thought I would. Yeah divorce sucks and it's something super emotionally heavy but the moment you realize you deserve better and don't back down... there's no turning back from that. What he did? There's no turning back for either. I can not give him an ounce of forgiveness no matter what moment of clarity he randomly had after his whore left. I wasn't expecting to date anyone. That's why I got Sophie. I was gonna move into my own place; just me and Sophie. Then Nick comes along and just messes all of that up.

Our first date lasted about 10 hours and we had lunch at Rainforest Cafe (with a real thunderstorm) and we were walking by Basin on our way to World of Disney sharing an umbrella and he goes "I really want to kiss you right now." and I was like "go for it." so he kisses me and it's like instant boost of attraction I just couldn't get enough of his kisses! We ended the date at Universal City Walk and I got Cinnabon!! Seriously, dreams. Came. True. Spent the rest of the week with Nick as much as possible. He lives an hour away so it's sort of a long distance relationship. Sort of. I don't have a car. So...

Sophie 

Sophie is doing a lot better now than when we got her. She loves to play and cuddle and bother you lol. She's always crawling all over my lap and smacking me with her tail. Silly girl. But she's gaining weight and she looks a lot healthier now. So that's good and she loves playing this chasing game we do at night. She's so silly. But she's my adorable silly!

Adventures 

Nick and I have this thing where we like to go on adventures. Basically any random place we go to even if we've been there before is considered an adventure. A trip to a new organic grocery store is an adventure and I love how down he is to just be like "yeah okay, let's go!" or when he suggests stuff we should do. So it's been pretty fun and exciting being around him cause you never know where he's going to go. But I've started compiling a list of places we should go or places we should check out to eat. So I'm pretty excited to finally have an adventure/foodie partner!

Like I said, I feel like I've been gone for awhile so sorry if this post sounded a little scatterbrained. 

I was browsing through Google+ and realized I did nothing with my page because I forgot I moved. So my Google+ page was pretty much empty and I happened upon a friend from France that is impossible to keep in contact with. Cyril, if you're reading this, yes, I'm talking about you. I miss you. TALK TO ME lol.

I'm getting anxiety just thinking about this topic because I didn't know when to write it or what to say or anything. It's 8PM and I should be eating dinner, folding laundry and doing homework but all I can think about is this big huge thing I need you guys to know because it's this big huge thing that is happening that I can't just pretend it's not.

This was a picture taken on my 29th birthday.

Five years ago last month in December I got married. Eleven years ago this month I started officially dating my best friend. We were always best friends, we never lied to each other and while things weren't perfect they weren't really worth bringing up or fighting over. But maybe they were and maybe things would had been different if they would had been brought up.

Last May M started lying and hiding things from me. Last month he changed all his passwords (even though I literally made all of his email and social media accounts). There's a lot more that goes into that but I don't want to talk about the details here, because while this is my lifestyle blog and this is a big part of my life, I don't want that energy here. If you want to know more then click here for my mental health blog where I'll be breaking it down sometime. I haven't really decided when.

Last month after months of trying to fix things, and understand things better... at the end of the day it ended up all the same --- me with my feelings hurt. Me crying all night. Me with my heartbroken. Him not home until 3AM. Me self harming. I was spiraling down a hole I had been in for such a long time as a teenager and I thought I was okay. I thought I would be okay. Ten years and I'm not. I'm literally fuckin back to where I started.

So I called it quits. I couldn't do it anymore. One person can't try while the other keeps doing what hurts someone. And he just didn't and still doesn't get it. You hear about people getting divorced all the time and you think it's just this thing, like the only thing that hurts would be walking away. But it's so much more than that when you're in it. It's like pain, everywhere. Resentment, everywhere. Questions that don't have answers, everywhere. And it's all in your face swirling around you and all you can do is try not to let those thoughts and those feelings get the best of you because you're fucked if you do.

I don't know how I feel. At first I was angry, BEYOND angry. Then I was sad. Really really sad. Then I was angry again. Then I just didn't care anymore. It's gotten to the point where he's lied so much I don't believe anything he says so I just don't talk to him. I don't trust him. I don't spend time with him if I don't have to. I don't try to be his friend. Cause we're not. We're not friends. And the fact that I'm across the country from my family with a brand new apartment to just have this drop on me... I'm trying the best I can to stay busy and positive.

So there, there's my bare it all raw entry. 

I'm in the process of getting divorced and I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm resentful, I'm happy, I'm relieved, I'm scared, I'm confident, I'm drowning, I'm fighting stay above water... I'm disappointed I think, more than anything. To know that after all we've been through... one thing or one person had the ability to make him lie to me. Straight to my face. Over and over. And that's not okay. I know I'm suppose to be this really positive person and I try but honestly, I hope she gets attacked by a Koala and burns in hell. And the other girl? I hope she burns in hell too. For your husband to let some 19 year old call you a crazy bitch for a week and not defend you? Yeah, you both can go to hell.