My onelittleword for 2024; 

After an extremely traumatic 2023 finding a word for 2024 wasn't hard at all. I barely struggled with it. And everything that I do within 2024 will reflect this word. Much harder than I've ever done in previous years. Because my healing, my mental health, is not just for me but for my girls too.

Going back to being the mom that I said I'd be when Tums was born. Working hard to avoid situations that'll make me relapse. Avoiding people who seem to be dead set on triggering me and pushing me off my path. And staying away from people who try to tell me what to do or what choices I should be making. People who tell me that my kids "shouldn't" be here are def not people I want to be around.

Making my silence more of a priority. Not answering my phone and not feeling bad for doing so. I don't need to reply to every message, text or phone call. Especially if I really don't want to. 

And if this makes me sound selfish, then I guess that makes me selfish but I'm literally done caring. Because nothing is more important than MY happiness and my girls having a mom who isn't always in a bad mood.

I haven't put much thought into any specific resolutions, just focusing on getting better and recovering my mental health. I've gone way too long letting it suffer and enduring the opinions of other people. I need to get back into taking control of my life and what I want instead of worrying about upsetting other people cause that isn't the move and I don't know why I ever thought it was. In the end the ones to suffer were my girls and I'm never letting that happen again.

I have been super slacking on updating this blog! I keep telling myself I'll re-brand it but I just don't know exactly what I'm doing at the moment... so until I do, I'll just keep winging it I guess lol.

2022 was a mess of things. Like a huge mess of things and while I don't have faith that 2023 will be any better or easier; the most I can do is hope I go in a direction that will bring me some kind of contentment.

I don't have any resolutions for 2023, I didn't have time or energy or the mind space to come up with any. And I think I'm okay with that, for once. Whatever happens, happens. Whatever comes, comes. Whatever goes, goes.

I did however come up with a #onelittleword because.. well, I kinda have to. It helps me keep myself accountable and helps me to focus on the area's in my life and in myself that still need work.

With that said, my word for 2023;

★゜・。𝙱𝙾𝚄𝙽𝙳𝙰𝚁𝙸𝙴𝚂 。・゜☆

Mental Health & Gaming: pixiedustwords.com
Foodie: herloveforfood.co
Gaming: gamearella.com
Small Biz: pixiepinayco.com/blog

Last year I wrote about the Things I'm Leaving in 2020 and I thought it would be kind of fun to do this again. I know it's a bit similar to intentions and goals but I feel like you can never throw your intentions into the universe too much. There are going to be a few repeat's on this list but we'll see how many times I gotta this ish down before I get it through my thick ass skull. Shadow work. Leggo.

| Not making my health a priority

I really had so many intentions on fixing this one and while I sometimes managed to get back on track, I'd also fall off just as fast. Living in TX is really challenging for this one, I mean it doesn't HAVE to be but I'm def struggling with it especially when it comes to eating better. I truly believe that the things you eat, the entertainment you consume and the amount of physical activity you're into all have something heavy to do with your mental health.

Speaking of mental health, I'm leaving behind the fear or laziness of doing Shadow Work. Of being my own source of therapy. Of avoiding my own therapeutic hobbies because ya girl needs to reconnect with herself. I feel like I lost touch of myself after I gave birth two years ago, I've low key been too scared to examine that so I just haven't. But I need to, cause if I don't, how will I know where my direction is?

My health -- all aspects of it -- should be my highest priority.

| Hoarding

I literally don't even want to talk about this endless life long struggle. It all started as a kid. And I haven't been able to fix it because it also triggers anxiety. I low key hate finding favorite things/foods/products because if the shit ends up discontinued I get super sad. I mean, isn't that suppose to be the fun of discovering favorite new stuff? Idk, it's weird.

I get buying back ups of things that I use daily. Like cleaning supplies. Or like, hygiene stuff. But there other stuff like snacks, makeup... yeah, that habit has got to go. Especially when it comes to makeup, while I did enjoy collecting makeup once upon a time... we're not in the fairy tale forest anymore. And Tums likes to just WRECK my makeup. She doesn't know any better, I remember what it was like as a kid and fuckin up my mom's makeup just to "see what would happen". So I really can't blame her. But I also shouldn't have makeup that I have no intention to use either??? I get being in that mindset when I was younger but now that I'm older with a kid, it really puts things into perspective. 

| Selling myself short

Another life long struggle of mine. If there's anything 2021 has proved to me it's that even if I feel out of touch with myself, it hasn't changed my drive to create or better myself. It's harder to see these things in yourself, but my friends have been constantly reminding me this year that I can do everything I want and that I make things happen.

I need to leave behind the ideal that I "can't" do something. Tums has started saying she can't do something when I know she can. I need to start believing in myself the way my friends and Tums do, because I know I CAN be capable of so much but I spent this year telling myself I wasn't. And while 2021 turned out better than I expected, I did carry a lot of self doubt. Imagine if I hadn't.

I'm not saying I'm going to walk around thinking I'm the shit at everything, but def at least the things I KNOW I'm the shit at. Or at least ditch the idea of self doubt when it comes to a project or a job.  

| Avoiding rest

I tend to work nonstop, I don't know how to take a break or to rest. And within the last year I have even stopped taking my daily bubble baths just because I just don't feel like I have the time anymore to take them. I have stopped everything that was used as a hobby of rest. The only days I have to even sleep in are Sundays, so that's what I do. But even then, the rest of Sunday is spent catching up on things or doing laundry and cleaning the whole apartment while there's no one there to bother me.

I know this one is going to be hard to fix; But I really want to make rest a priority, I guess it goes hand in hand with keeping my health also a priority. 

| Avoiding conflict

I recently found out this is a trauma response. I like to think I've learned how to pick my battles. But I know there are some situations where I need to say my shit. And I still don't. I almost physically can't and I use to be SO good at starting conflict so how did this happen? Who hurt me? Oh, right, my narc ex who would gaslight me in circles and make me feel like I was losing my mind for trying to stand up for myself. And if that wasn't enough, when he ran out of fake reasons he resulted to physical abuse.

I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to undo this since it's one of those things that are kind of just lodged in your brain and when the chance to participate in conflict comes up, your brain just stops. I'm trying to be better at standing my ground again, but the times when I really need to, I still struggle with it.

I do make it known my boundaries are solid. And even that can get arguments started, but it's a start in standing up for myself.

Never thought I'd miss being the reckless angry kid who just burned bridges for fun.  

| Using shopping as a stress reliever 

This is one of my favorite toxic traits. I know, that sounds freakin horrible, but it's true! My dad use to tell me that I either need to control my spending or marry someone who makes enough money to support my insane spending. I was like 21 at the time. Not much as changed since then.

I don't shop as much any more. Mostly since I lost all my high limit cards, but I still need to be more mindful of the things I buy and no just go crazy since I have the money to. I did pretty well about it in 2021, until I lost Sophie. Then I just went on a weird shopping rampage, as if that was going to make me feel better.

I need to find/adapt healthier ways to ease stress, for sure.

| Keeping up with people who don't matter

Guilty pleasure right here.

It's definitely not as bad as it use to be. I don't find much time to check up on people who aren't in my life any more. Low key thankful I'm that busy now to not find time for it. But in the dark moments when I allow my darkness to just run with shit I find myself doing just that.

And honestly, there's no good reason to even spend my energy and mind space on things that won't move my life and goals forward. They're not in my life for a reason and that is totally fine. That happens. We out grow people. We change, so our circle will eventually change. That's just life. There's no epic reason to why sometimes we fall out of touch with some people and there's sometimes not epic reason to why these things just happen.

Despite knowing this, I still play the did I do something wrong complex when I really shouldn't. And even if I did and they decided to just ghost me instead of talk it out? Then whatever. Why should I care. We fight for the relationships in our lives we want to keep and if someone doesn't find value in a relationship with you, then they don't. There's 7 billion people in this world. Like???

I really need to spend that time (no matter how little time that is) improving myself and my life.

What are some things you're leaving in 2021?

Trader Joe's comes out with the most interesting products, though it feels like it's mostly in the summer or the Holiday season.

This spring they came out with Mood Odyssey Aromatherapy set. 

I was drawn to the pretty purple box as well as the types of scents that it contained. 

The set comes with 4 oils. Each 0.33 FL OZ but it feels like there's way more than that, like this set could last a whole year even if you used it every day.

With 4 different scents, they've pretty much got you covered.

Unfortunately there isn't a list of scent notes to refer to, but there is an ingredients list on the back. And yes, they have their scientific name as well as their normal name (Thanks Trader Joe's! Always looking out). 

I've so far used Awake, Bliss and Relax.

I've used several different types of lavender oils but there's something happy about this kind. I don't know how to explain it but I love using these for pretty much everything.

Awake has a scent like nothing I've used before. While there is your typical citrus based scents, there's also something else that really gives it a kick!

Bliss is such a happy scent, I don't really know how else to describe it. It def puts me in a better mood, I wish these came in like room sprays or something because that would def help my anxious ass out.

Relax has notes of lavender in it for sure. And while it's still lavender it's also not. The lavender in this smells like a field of flowers that you're just running in! It's not that core strong lavender scent that most other products have (nothing wrong with that, just saying this one is a little more softer) but it still packs a serious relax yo ass punch!

These rollerballs are great and like I said -- I use them pretty frequently. I'm hoping that TJ's might come out with more blends in the future!

2020 has definitely been a year of slow living and for most of us reflecting. It's definitely put a lot of things in my life in perspective. The things I've been doing to myself that were toxic and the things I've held on to that have also been toxic for me and my well being.

It's never really easy to admit that something you're close to is not good for you and it's hard to come to the terms to let those things you're so use to go. But while I'm letting things go and leaving them in 2020 I can hope that that means I'm making room for better more beneficial things in 2021.

On with the show;

I have always been obsessed with books, reading, researching and dreaming of far away places. I remember in Kindergarten I was the first person to read all of the 4 books we had lined up for the month. I started writing stories when I was 7 about princesses with sisters that lived in big castles.

I stopped reading in high school because it made me look "nerdy" and I was on my hardcore thug bullshit back then. Growing up in The Bay was rough lol. I didn't get back into reading until my ex husband left for the military in 2009; then the world of Young Adult sucked me in.

But before there was Young Adult there were a number of books that changed my life; helped shaped the way I thought about myself, the world or others. Or just helped enlightened me. And if there's anything I'm still a sucker for it's the things that change the way we think.

So here's 5 books that helped shape me;